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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling confused

19 replies

Karenjune · 10/11/2025 19:02

I met my partner hes 55 and im 51. He proposed to me after 2 months. He promised me the world and i was totally blown away. He said he needed to phone me several times a day because he was insecure from previous relationships. So i did all he asked of me includung not going out with friends. Six months down the line he would rush home and take all his stuff and go back to his mums. Then say he couldnt trust me ! I was there all day every day waiting for him cooking dinner and waiting on him hand and foot. I used to be happy but he made me feel insecure . Last time he went back to his mums hed say to everyone how horrible i was. Then blocked me on everything . He said i should broadcast our relationship on social media and for him to be on mine and he deleted his . When we fell out he went back on his and no trace of me on his . Hed live with me then still pay his mum board i said why did you get engaged and live with me but still pay ue mum ? He said incase we fall out . So last time he left without telling me again he ignored me for 5 days and then i said im moving on and he started realing me in again . He made me appologise for things i shouldnt have its just i missed him and loved him. He said hed give us another go but take it slowly. I said ok and he lives at his mums and stays at mine friday saturday and sunday but goes home to get changed. I find it very difficult after being engaged! He takes his phone everywhere and is very defensive at times over silly things. I really dont know what to do im half the woman i used to be . I cant see any future . In the beginning when we had a bit to drink Hed say things like im going so make you insecure so u know what i feel like and i could hurt you so much but im too nice . He promised to love me and build togeather then lied and turned everyting on me saying he cant trust me and goes to his mums. His past relationships were all the same but i thought id be different .x

OP posts:
Repsoff · 10/11/2025 19:03

Where to start?

I don’t think I have the energy!!

Repsoff · 10/11/2025 19:04

In the beginning when we had a bit to drink

Which was often I imagine

Wishimaywishimight · 10/11/2025 19:04

I don't see what there is to be confused about to be honest. He sounds absolutely vile and this is barely a relationship let alone a healthy one.

NovemberMorn · 10/11/2025 19:08

You said.... I really dont know what to do im half the woman i used to be .

So...Kick him out, have nothing else to do with him, and before long, you will find your other half.

PashaMinaMio · 10/11/2025 19:08

You are a “mature” woman. You don’t need us to tell you what to do. You are not confused, you are just hanging in by a thread because you fear the alternative.
He’s swallowing you up and you are losing sight of who you are.
Dump him. He’s not with the aggravation.

Betsy95 · 10/11/2025 19:11

He’s 55 and running to and from his mums house every time there is an issue in the relationship he doesn’t like. He lacks the maturity to navigate issues and stay committed.

Sounds awful OP hard as it is you’d be better off without.

SliceofTosst · 10/11/2025 19:17

He's an abusive wimp.

Leave.

Endofyear · 10/11/2025 20:10

There's nothing confusing about this. He's an arsehole and you need to dump him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/11/2025 20:24

I only read the first couple of lines to realise what was coming next and yes there it was.
The overtly quick attachment and engagement followed by the withdrawal and decline in his behaviour towards you.

You were love bombed from the very beginning and that is a red flag of abuse you ignored or simply did not recognise. You’re just the latest in a long line of women in his life who thought they could make a difference to him.

You cannot remain in a relationship with him. If you read The Loser by Dr Joe Carver his article describes such men perfectly. Such men can and indeed do real emotional harm to the women unfortunate enough to meet them. I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom program and not have anything more to do with him. He needs to be completely erased from your life.

SandStormNorm · 10/11/2025 20:28

There is only room for one woman in his life...his mamma. He hasn't grown up, and raced to propose to you in the hope that you would replace Mamma in domestic duties as she must be quite old now. He is a control freak, and you should feel very glad that he leaves you to go to his other home. Just change the locks when he is there, and forget about him. He is a loser and will drive you cuckoo. Once single again, reflect on your boundaries and what you want from a relationship. I would have run away at the point where a man is proposing too quickly, living with a parent at such an age, and telling me I had to accept his calls and not see other people. He clearly has a few bolts short in the head department, and as a mature woman you have to retune your red flag-o-meter to stay away from these sorts of people. They just make your life miserable and leech your energy.

Pollqueen · 10/11/2025 20:38

Come on OP, he's a 55 year old man still living with his mum with what sounds like a string of failed relationships behind him

You don't need the Internet to tell you what to do here

FinallyHere · 10/11/2025 21:43

On the face of it, there is nothing to be confused about here. You have been loved bombed by a wrong ‘un, now is the time to sever all connections.

Maybe enroll yourself on the freedom program if read ‘why does he do that’ for some insight on what has been going on.

the only surprise would be if you were still clinging onto what ‘might have been’ in the face of such overwhelming evidence. Don’t be that person, have him gone right away.

Notmyreality · 10/11/2025 21:45

Repsoff · 10/11/2025 19:03

Where to start?

I don’t think I have the energy!!

Indeed!

HamptonCourtPrincess · 10/11/2025 21:48

Good grief! Why are you continuing to entertain this awful man? Please don’t let him do this to you.

Nessiesfoodprovider · 10/11/2025 22:25

He's coercively controlling you, lovely. Get rid of him. Fir good this time.
Better to be on your own than in an abusive relationship, which this is.
Speak to womens aid, they'll help you to understand why this relationship is abusive. Also how to stay safe and not fall into another one (hopefully).

1983Louise · 10/11/2025 22:29

Just tell him to stay at his Mums........

Vaxtable · 11/11/2025 00:59

S9meone tough love here

tell him to take his stuff and go back to his mums and not to contact you again

He is abusive

Mummysof · 11/11/2025 01:11

Repsoff · 10/11/2025 19:03

Where to start?

I don’t think I have the energy!!

I feeeel the same and I could have literally wrote it.

OP you are being gas light, love bombed, manipulated, emotionally abused and red flag after red flag will keep appearing and then they’ll scare you into staying. They’ll block you every single god damn time you have an opinion on their behaviour. They’ll silence you into anything and you won’t get out easily.

you need to find your balls and use them. Kick him out and go 0 contact

you will be stuck here in years to come if you don’t choose yourself now

BauhausOfEliott · 11/11/2025 01:30

There’s nothing confusing about any of this, OP.

He is abusive and subjecting you to serious coercive control.

It’s been a textbook case of abuse/control from the moment you met him. Proposing after two months? Insane.

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