I don’t have a relationship with MIL, it’s a long story, sorry!
DH and I have been together for 15yrs. DH was more or less brought up by his grandparents, his DM & DF were unreliable and had a turbulent relationship, both had affairs (DH actually walked into the bedroom to find his mum, naked and straddled another man when he was around 9yrs old). His DM had an explosive temper along with a life and soul of the party type personality. He lived with his grandparents from 10yrs old and they were his only stability as a child.
when we got together, MIL lived 200miles away from us (having moved to London after an affair with FIL’s best friend). When DH moved in with me, MIL would message me at 3pm on a Fri afternoon and announce she was coming to stay for the weekend, I opened my house to her and never complained at the short notice or having her stay. She was nice enough in the beginning but always had to be the centre of attention. I am quiet and sometimes shy/self conscious so she totally overpowered and overwhelmed me. The relationship between us started to sour as I felt put on after a while of unplanned and last minute visits where she treated my house like a B&B, it was unsettling for my children and meant that our plans were constantly messed about. Things came to a head when DH’s family member got married abroad and we attended the wedding. The journey over there was awful, MIL kicked off with her then boyfriend on the plane, carried on arguing and punched him on the coach transfer, then screamed at him all night long at the hotel, we were in the room next door. I was nervous of seeing her the following day for good reason - all DH’s family were discussing what had happened at the poolside, MIL stormed out and immediately starting picking people off one by one to have a go at. She pointed at me after a few others so I stood up, picked up DSD (age 5) and went to walk off so DSD didn’t need to see her grandma behaving like that. MIL stormed after me, grabbed my shoulder and hit me. I was so shocked, I was holding her grandchild and hadn’t said anything with the rest of the family. It was so unexpected that tears sprang me my eyes and I carried on walking straight to the hotel room with DSD. DH followed. MIL then went on to ring me for the rest of the day and night, leaving vile voicemails calling me all the names under the sun, some really awful and hurtful things. She was completely unhinged. She also did this with DH. No other family members stuck up for us, it was a case of ‘that’s just what she’s like so keep your head down.
So, fast forward 12 years. The relationship has never recovered. MIL never acknowledged that she did anything wrong in the slightest and we have had very little communication or contact with each other. DH has maintained a basic relationship with her, she rings him every so often and he goes to visit her if he visits family members - I have never been invited to her house or been asked about, almost to the point where it feels like I don’t exist to her anymore. I have however, continued to buy her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas presents - until this year. I’ve decided that I need to protect myself and my energy, and from now on only put time and effort into people who would do the same for me. I discussed it with DH and he was in agreement, I told him he would need to take over buying her gifts if he wanted to give her something. He hasn’t. I’ve now heard on the family grapevine that this has caused her to start up her hatred of me once more as she didn’t get a Mother’s Day or birthday gift.
DH doesn’t stand up for me where MIL is concerned, I think he’s scared of her, which I think is understandable when he tells me things from his childhood.
do I go back to buying presents to keep the peace for DH, or stick to my boundaries and not waste time or thought on her.