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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Opinions welcome

17 replies

Yung93 · 09/11/2025 16:31

I’m not sure if I’m over thinking it and therefore I’d just like other peoples thoughts.

Basically, me and my partner planned (3 weeks ago) on going to watch his daughter at an event and I’d already checked with him if he and she felt comfortable with me going because her mum (his ex) was going also and I didn’t want to feel like I was interfering. We planned to go for 10am but he told me he was going and left at 8:30 and so I didn’t have time to get ready, even though he’d been up since 7 and could have told me earlier. I would have much rather appreciated being told it’s probably best I didn’t go.

I totally understand he probably felt he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and that is nice considering but now I feel he pretended it was ok all along with me going knowing he was going to do this right at the very end.

Another reason why I feel this way, is he deletes male friends (I’ve known since school) off my social media, so he must be thinking along them lines or be guilty of his own feelings/thoughts.

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 09/11/2025 17:39

How long have you been together?

That aside, he absolutely should not be deleting your friends. Wtf is that about?!

YodasHairyButt · 09/11/2025 17:41

He deletes your friends!?? Appalling controlling behaviour.

DeQuin · 09/11/2025 17:45

Deleting friends is a massive problem. You know that, right? Get away from this dangerous man.

KitsyWitsy · 09/11/2025 17:47

Why are you making excuses for him? Raise your standards and don’t let this man treat you like this.

Why do you accept him deleting people off your social media?

TwistedWonder · 09/11/2025 18:15

What are you making excuses for this controlling twat?

None of this is to ‘not hurt your feelings’ - he deliberately went without you and didn’t even have the manners to tell you.

Tbh he sounds a complete prick

Gottocopebymyself · 09/11/2025 18:39

So the plan was you were going to go together but he deliberately engineered things so that he went by himself.

And he deletes your male friends from.your social media?

None of what you say is ok OP.

I don't know how long you have been with this man but, however long, it is too long.

Please do not accept this type of behaviour in your relationship.

You are worth much more than this.

Errahstop · 09/11/2025 22:23

He deletes your friends off social media? See ya.

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 09/11/2025 22:37

Love the way you slipped the deleting your friends off social media in at the end, like it's normal or something.

That's a far bigger problem than who goes to see his daughter at an event.

Original poster
Yung93 · 09/11/2025 23:04

The reason why I added the point of him deleting my friends at the end is quite self explanatory in my eyes, because although I know it’s wrong the point I’m getting at/asking advice on, is his behaviour reflecting his own feelings/thoughts of not wanting me there because he still has feelings for his ex? As in like a guilty conscience (I hope me explaining now provides you with transparent context - although I didn’t think it would take that much understanding). I came on here for advice not to feel attacked - please don’t patronise me. I’m also capable of calling him out, I just thought I would gain opinions from others so that if he were to suggest that I was over thinking it, that I had some reasoning behind my feelings. If I’d of come on here with attitude similar to yours, I’m sure I’d of received replies along the lines of ‘selfish of me to feel this way because it’s not about me, it’s about his daughter.’ I expressed myself in a dignified way but not for you to see that as a weakness and ultimately speak down to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yung93 · 09/11/2025 23:07

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 09/11/2025 22:37

Love the way you slipped the deleting your friends off social media in at the end, like it's normal or something.

That's a far bigger problem than who goes to see his daughter at an event.

The reason why I added the point of him deleting my friends at the end is quite self explanatory in my eyes, because although I know it’s wrong the point I’m getting at/asking advice on, is his behaviour reflecting his own feelings/thoughts of not wanting me there because he still has feelings for his ex? As in like a guilty conscience (I hope me explaining now provides you with transparent context - although I didn’t think it would take that much understanding). I came on here for advice not to feel attacked - please don’t patronise me. I’m also capable of calling him out, I just thought I would gain opinions from others so that if he were to suggest that I was over thinking it, that I had some reasoning behind my feelings. If I’d of come on here with attitude similar to yours, I’m sure I’d of received replies along the lines of ‘selfish of me to feel this way because it’s not about me, it’s about his daughter.’ I expressed myself in a dignified way but not for you to see that as a weakness and ultimately speak down to me.

OP posts:
AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 09/11/2025 23:12

You're being ridiculous to remain in a relationship with a man who sees fit to delete your male friends from your social media.

Whether he fancies his ex or not really isn't the main problem here.

Change your password and tell him to go and control some other mug, even if it does turn out to be his ex.

That's not 'talking down to you', it's common bloody sense.

ReadingTime · 10/11/2025 00:08

I think people have reacted strongly to your comment about him deleting your friends because you mentioned that in passing as if it's not a big deal, when it's actually a very strong sign that you're in a relationship with a very controlling man. Added to the situation of you both agreeing a leaving time and then him suddenly leaving earlier, he's sounding like very bad news.

So whether or not he still fancies his ex is not really an important question, and instead you need to focus on how he treats you and working out if he is a safe person for you to be with.

UpDownAllAround1 · 10/11/2025 03:43

You asked for opinions. Leave

MisguidedOptimist · 10/11/2025 04:03

It’s very rude and dismissive of him to leave earlier without you when you had an arrangement with him to attend together.

It’s a bad sign that he thinks he can delete friends of yours on your SM.

What is important is what do you think??

SomewhatAnnoyed · 10/11/2025 06:04

Is he a lot older than you? So he’s insecure at your male friends who are the same age and a threat to his masculinity and he’s brainwashed you into thinking him manipulating you by giving you the wrong time and doing something you ultimately hurt you is because he cares….? This is why relationships with big age gaps (if this is one) are viewed sceptically as there is often a power imbalance. He may not be older than you and just an untrustworthy shit. People who openly show their jealousy (by deleting ‘rivals’) are often projecting, and assume everyone thinks like them. He doesn’t like the idea of attractive men your age being on your SM because he views is as temptation, bc he’s tempted by attractive ppl himself and assumes you/they think like him.

It seems you’re getting defensive bc the target of your post wasn’t really your partner but his ex and you were expecting ppl to say yeah he must want to see her or she’s said something to him etc, when, as ppl have pointed out, the bigger issue is your acceptance of his controlling behaviour. What else will he tell you he’s done/not done ‘to protect your feelings’?

Dont accept this behaviour OP. It will get worse.

sesquipedalian · 10/11/2025 06:11

“he deletes male friends (I’ve known since school) off my social media”

What? And you let him? What sort of control freak is he, that you’re not allowed male friends? I have some very good male friends with whom I was at university - we’re now in our sixties. OP, this seems like very controlling behaviour - frankly, you should be worried.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 10/11/2025 06:17

This guy is not good for you. Leave now. The longer you stay the harder it will be.

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