Finally had enough - I’m leaving him, but need a hand hold

[Hadeeeenuuuff]

I have spent years posting under various aliases, I’ve posted on Facebook groups and even used ChatGPT.

I think I am finally ready to take the big plunge to separate. It’s scary as my house is in disarray (I’m a hoarder), DC are doing big exams, one is at university. I have no regular income as I'm self employed in an unstable market. I have lost a lot of friends through the years as I have masked the truth about my marriage and always looked like I’ve got my shit together. Not being genuine was exhausting and I was not the friend I should be to some who cut me out of their lives due to me not opening up about stuff in my life.

He has slowly destroyed me and I can no longer do this lack of affection, love, lack of support for this self centred man child with a drinking problem. Something catastrophic happened recently for him, I supported him as best as I could given our history. Watching him wallow was triggering for me (the wallowing looks like when he was collapsed drunk) but I was kind, helpful, listening and supportive. I gave what I could. I received in return verbal abuse, sworn at and then pushed and prodded violently. This has never happened physically but I was frightened. He apologised after not talking to me all weekend and on the Sunday night excused his behaviour and relapse as him struggling. I listened and held him against my better judgement.

This week I have been slowly trying to get back to feeling okay, normal. It’s been really hard, I’ve been poorly with flu but had to work.

He has gone out to see friends today he met from his group. Knowing the house is collapsed with illness. Not his problem.

I was tearful and still am writing this. This week I have to do this, go to a solicitor.

This is a lot to read, thank you if you’re still with me!

What do I need to tell the solicitor? What are the costs? I have bare minimum savings but enough is enough. Do I have to tell him what I am planning. Previously he has got tearful and despairing saying he’ll change, he has no one who understands him. But I need to be strong.

I guess I’ve written this for a hand hold but also for other inspiring and encouraging feedback from you all as it has taken years for me to do this.

Thanks for getting this far!

I’m guessing this was a boring read 😔

Not boring at all, it must be a very hard situation. I hope people with experience will be along to support you soon. You sound defeated, have you got any ideas about what you want your future to look like?

Thank you for replying @Talltreesbythelake , I am totally exhausted from his behaviour.

All I know is I no longer want to feel stuck, lonely and severely depressed. I’m not saying leaving will make these go away but I’ll hopefully have a clearer head and enjoy my freedom and independence. Relationship wise, I’d love to be with someone who respects and shows affection. And wants fun!

Write down all the benefits you’ll have by leaving him. And keep focusing on those! No one deserves to live an unhappy life.

Thank you, that’s a great suggestion @londongirl12

He truly has caused me a lot of unhappiness and it’s taken me a long time to decide I can no longer live like this

That's a great answer, I wish you lots of fun in your new life. There will be a way to get there, hold onto that dream while you do the boring bits. Have you started writing a list of questions for the solicitor?

What kind of questions should I ask please?

He’s arrived home and is as per, causing an argument over my gentle request to empty the bin. Exasperated acting in front of our son trying to make me out to be a witch as usual. I’ve left the room and he’s being concerned dad to son.

I find this upsetting and exhausting. Why is he like this?

Be brave OP. It will be worth it. And it will be worth it for your children too who will get a happy mother back. What is your housing situation? Are your children all over 18 or thereabouts? Solicitor will want to know about assets and finances and where the children will live.

From what you've said, it sounds like you've been living with an abusive alcoholic for many years. Do you think that perhaps your hoarding tendencies stem from that prolonged stress? It could be that once you are living in a more peaceful, less stressful environment, you may feel the urge to hoard is lessened.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and try to go armed with as much financial information as you can - mortgage, income, savings, pensions etc. You don't have to tell your husband anything at this stage, I would hold off until you have talked through the process with your solicitor. I would say however, if you feel that you are in any physical danger, you can and should call the police and have him removed and it's possible that you would need to get a non-molestation order in place if that happens.

Sending you all the strength to get through this difficult phase - keep your eyes on that light at the end of the tunnel - a more peaceful and happy life. Look after yourself lovely 💐

You’ll need to ask your solicitor what you are entitled to. What the costs are. How long it will take. What do you do about joint housing in the meantime. That kind of thing.

Because he can. And feels entitled to do so.

Sending you strength, love and light. You can, and will, get through this. Think about how much better your life will be in November 2026.

No advice I am in a loveless miserable relationship that I feel trapped in. Feel like I have missed out on so much of life but can now see by staying I will miss out on more of my life. I’m 38 and desperately want more children and plan on leaving after Christmas. I just need to manage the chaos until then and I’m free. I’m in an ok job but up to my eyeballs in debit and will have to sell my house and uproot my daughter. It all feels impossibly hard, but I’m now at the point I need to pick my hard.

Don’t tell him anything . Speak to a solicitor. Contact Women’s Aid, he is an abuser. Get as much advice and help as you can, don’t let him know what you’re doing until all your plans are in place.

Good luck.

I wish you all the best for you and your daughter. We get to the point where enough is enough.

The heaviness and misery is too much

I have always been in denial about his abuse until the push last week.

He is now trying to be nice and reasonable, I hate the mind games.

Thank you, I have the paperwork and just need to find a solicitor who specialises in abuse. I’m assuming this will not be cheap but I have to do this.

The constant back and forth conflict, then him
trying to be friendly and amenable and then him feeling relieved that all is calm and on his terms feels like a rollercoaster for me.

His changeable mood and deflection is hard. When I grey rock, I think that’s what I am doing now, he ramps up his clingy, nice husband act. It is an act isn’t it?

Yes, it is an act. Don’t let him fool you.

He's not going to change, whatever you do or say, and now it's ramped up to physical abuse as well as verbal, you don't have much option but to split.
I do know what that feels like, you know within yourself that he's crossed a line, and for your own safety and self respect you have to end things.
If you think he will go quietly, then you could ask him to leave asap. If you even slightly suspect that he will get violent, then you just need a week or so to make sure you have everything you need lined up, and a plan ready.
When you see the solicitor, it would be useful to have details re specific incidents, and info re finances, which would include income, savings, approximate house value, pensions.
In the meantime, try to engage a s little as possible. Go out if you can , if you wfh start going into the office, just keep away from him as much as you can. You don't need to tell him anything until after you've had legal advice.

Yes the push did it for me. I was scared to be around him the whole weekend due to his rage. His apology afterwards felt empty, it was more about his own guilt than acknowledging the impact on me. He doesn’t seem to want to take accountability and after every binge, he sweeps everything under the carpet. He goes to AA meetings and has a sponsor but I do not see any changes in our relationship.

I’ll speak to a solicitor and mention the numerous events that have caused stress and fear for me.

If I mention separation plans to him, he’ll ramp up the nice husband part again alongside throwing guilt at me for abandoning him at his lowest. What he forgets is he has continually hurt and left me lonely for years.

For years this act has kept me stuck, not anymore. I’m going to really try to not give into guilt or manipulation. I think he’ll try to weaponise the DC against me. That I’m the selfish one not him.