What was your final straw?

[Wooptydo]

Been with my partner for 10 years (not married, mortgage, 2 kids) where we’ve been in a consistent cycle of ups and downs. The downs are never ‘terrible’ usually just getting in fights about mess/rudeness/house chores and he can also be very negative and loses his temper easily. All very draining. But we cycle through them and I am constantly in a state of being ‘up’ thinking these are things that are manageable/normal (surely everyone deals with these things?) and ‘down’ thinking why should I put up with this, this isn’t normal, I could be happier etc. I also think about if we split and moved out I’d be so much worse off in my living situation. I honestly don’t know what to do.

So I’m wondering if anyone else lives like this and is it normal? Do you put up with it? Or did you leave?

in fights?! Wow - leave. What are you showing your kids by staying in this situation?

Lets see it as a scale of 1-10 1 being fighting constantly and 10 being the most amazing thing in the world. Mine is a consistent 5. Sometimes we will drop to a 4 or go up to a 6 but never much of anything else. It’s not great but good enough.
If it got anywhere near a 1 I’d end it. That’s too exhausting and no environment to raise children.

Everyone has ups and downs. Most folk just drift along deal with it as they go. The fights, assuming not physical .. how long does the verbal quarreling go on. Is he verbally abuse coercive control. If so get out.

If just arguing over who does what who spent money on whatever, I think most people have these. But constantly feeling down caused by your partner is not normal. Would councilling help.

My final straw was when he hit me in front of my daughter, not just a slap but a punch giving a black eye and another bruising my side.

honestly don’t stay where you’re not happy, it’s hard financially and physically on your own but emotionally soooo much better

Fights as in arguments, not physical. Well I’m not sure how good or bad it is honestly. Sometimes I think it’s good to show the kids that it is normal to have disagreements but what level does it then get toxic?

This is so relatable! Not great but good enough. And a great way of looking at it on a scale.

If it’s in front of the kids, I’d say generally not long and it’s usually more like a bicker. If I have a real problem with something I will wait until it’s just us. He can be verbally abusive as he gets very defensive and sometimes will say something to score points because he doesn’t know what else to do, but it’s rare. I am very direct and have no problem calling him out on gaslighting etc. I’m quote a logical thinker in an argument. I do actual see a therapist for another matter so maybe I will bring it up.

Oh god glad you got out.

Sometimes I think how much better would it really be? I’d be so happy on my own, but maybe I would eventually want another partner, and how much better would they realistically be! Are men all the same haha

No they are not all the same just like all women are not the same.

Better to be in your own than to be badly accompanied. He does not sound great to be honest seeing as he’s a negative individual who loses his temper easily. Hes Red flag central. What message does that also send your kids?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. If your friend was describing this relationship what would your counsel be?.

When 25yo dsd spat in food I was preparing for a dinner party and ex just shrugged.

I took ds and left. I couldn't bear the thought of my child being raised alongside anyone that disgusting.

Aside from the fighting, I am in a similar place. I recently saw a FB short by Baya Voce about "Relational Ambivalence" that hit me hard and has me seriously questioning everything. I don't know if I am allowed to post a link to it here but will try:

Relational ambivalence

I watched it and it also hit me hard. The next video was about emotional neglect and was also spot on. Defensiveness, minimising, shutting me down.