Divorce at 60

[Thevegetarianchef]

Divorcing at 60
I would like some advice please .Been with DH 40 years.It has not all been plain sailing.
Both of us had affairs decades ago financially we have been on a tight budget working all hours to make ends meet.
Now the dcs have left home it's becoming apparent I'm living in a lonely marriage.The dcs live to far to visit v often.
My DH is a distant grumpy older man due to retire.
Everything makes him irritable he has awful habits like a constant cough and throat clearing.I have to prompt him to bathe,shave or change clothes.
I have suggested he is depressed but he won't do anything.
He is overweight and had a heart attack,had porn addiction and has gone from a kind caring person to someone who can't care less about me.
Eye rolls if I suggest a deep clean of our home.We do have separate rooms,lives.
However we do have a nice house in a nice area.
Zero social life and he has been abusive verbally in the past he hurt me once.
Obviously we have no sex life as I find him distant and unappealing and I realise he is quite sexist so while we had a great sex life for decades his ways have ground me down and I lost my sex drive in menopause.
Has anyone divorced at this late stage and are you happy alone ?

You deserve happiness no matter what age!

60 is NOT old.

Leave. Start a new life. Scary, but surely less scary than looking down the barrel of another 25 years as you are?

Sounds like you’ve survived more than enough time with him and deserve some freedom and happiness OP.
Get out while you can, definitely before he retires.

That's how I feel.
Full of life personally with a lot more energy than dh.

I agree, 60 is not old. Do it now while you still can, you don’t want to end up his carer.

Firstly if he won't help himself then there's nothing you can do. Wouldn't be surprised if you divorce that he'll sort himself out but he's not doing it for himself now and why should you stay? No wonder you don't want to be intimate.
Secondly I'm in a somewhat similar situation at the same age and planning my escape. I just know if I'll feel lonely but it can't be any worse than how it is now. I'll be able to do what I like without someone constantly questioning me and my standing up to them. I'm no wallflower but it's exhausting and I just can't be bothered to argue anymore.
I know that's not what you're asking but know that you're not alone. I think it's happening more at this age now for some reason.

No.I had a taste of it during his heart attack.
I must say though my anxiety and ADHD recently discovered limits my life as I no longer drive.
That said he hates taking me anywhere and makes a big fuss which spoils it when we have.

I’m 55 and my marriage has been awful for years, I think covid really did for us.
DH is older than me and retired, so he sleeps in late every day and then spends the day watching TV waiting for wine time. Whereas I go to the gym/work/shopping/coffee etc.
The throat clearing - yes, mine does that too. The gagging when he brushes his teeth, three trips to the loo a day, it’s just not attractive. My life would be so much easier without him, no more clearing up after him.

OF COURSE leave. 60 isn’t old, you still have life left to live.

Sockwrappercracker thank you.Much appreciated.
Sorry you are going through similar things.

Wish I'd edited that! I was trying to say that I don't know if I'll feel lonely but it'll be better than now.
When he retires it'll be worst. In my case and yours! I wouldn't even bother reminding him to shave etc. You're not his parent and that would give me the ick anyway. It's just being brave enough to do it.

Living in a nice property in a nice area isn't important. It's like living in a palace and no one to share it with if you feel lonely. I juts keep imagining being able to do things like playing my music loud without someone moaning at me to turn it down. It's the little things. Wish I'd moved out years ago.
It's not going to be easy but so worth it.

Not a divorce as they weren’t married but my mum separated from her very long term partner at 70. She bought herself a smaller house nearer family and she is really happy. Her home is lovely, she has her independence, and just does her own thing. It’s lovely to see.

please don’t let him hold you back. You could have another 30+ years. Do you really want to be tied to the man you describe?

I now know what the word curmudgeonly means.🤣.
Agreed he will probably sort himself out sharpish.
I think he wants me to do everything which is v unappealing.
In fairness he does some chores and picks up shopping.
Under my guidance.😭

Thank you just another username.
That gives me hope that I'm not just thinking the grass looks greener.

Honestly op, I’m divorced and I absolutely bloody love it. Peace. Contentment. Do what I want. The main thing is there’s nothing negative in my life at all. I go out with my friends and the chat is often what husbands did or didn’t do wrong and how pissed off they are, and I just have nothing to contribute, I don’t have anything to get pissed off about. I thoroughly recommend it.

60 is the new 40. Plan to leave imo

This! Imagine caring for him night and day.

Yes divorce! It's not easy, but it is worth it. Imagine waking up in your own room, decorated how you chose, with a bed that is exactly comfortable for you, and no stinky, grumpy, throat clearing, coughing lump next to you, about to wake up and make plans to be horrible to you and indulge in his porn addiction.

Why wouldn't you choose that for yourself? Take your half of the assets and build a life for you.

Not going to give advice here other than GO FOR IT!!!!

Honestly my friend was in almost EXACTLY the same position and had an almost permanent down turn mouth.

Six months later she smiles perm has her own flat and cake making sideline has a young bad boy lover (sex only) has lost weight wears bright colours and is in charge of her life!

The alternative just didn’t bear thinking about x

I did feel an obligation as he cared for me when I was ill in my 20s.
Not so much now though.Why do these men not care for their health.!!
I walk 30 plus miles per week including steps.
Take supplements, do weights.
We've definitely grown apart. I feel happier on my days off alone.

Leave leave leave. This is the time for you. For your happiness and space. Do not waste energy where it is not absolutely appreciated. Good luck. It will be worth it x

I've been told I have rbf.Angela59.
Also been told I'm a positive kind person at work when he is not there.!

I'm 55 but did this over a year ago. Do not delay. It's the best thing ever.

I love having my house to myself, had a lot of fun dating younger men. Have now settled down dating a lovely man my age to do all the stuff I love gigs, theatre, cinema, walking, holidays and tons of great sex.

Lots of time to myself and to spend with my friends. You're not responsible for him, he's an adult and his destiny is in hus own hands.

Fantastic little justice.
I just want a life while I have time and my health.
Companionship and shared interests.
Not sure about the practicalities though.Ive never separated .

My sister divorced 3 years ago at 55, she’d put up with a lot in their long marriage. She is back to being the happy, positive person she was before her Ex wore her down. It’s so utterly lovely to see her like this.

You deserve to be happy too!

Hello OP - I’m 55 and got divorced this year. Family home sold and I’ve bought a cute little flat with a fab garden, in a great place. I have realised over the last few months that I was very socially conditioned to believe that being alone at my age meant I was a bit of a sad loser. But actually it’s bloody brilliant! I have space, time, contentment. I am not running around after someone else or dealing with their shit. I am in charge of my own life and do what makes me happy. Honestly, I spent 5 years agonising about whether to continue being married or not - what a waste of time! Yes, the uncertainty is daunting and there are so many ‘what ifs’ but personally I am finding being on my own much better than being in a shit marriage. Hope that’s helpful! Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you do.