Dating and sex after SA

Alwayschillyatnight · 2025-11-08T21:58:42+00:00

Recently I've broken up with the love of my life with whom I used to share a vigorous sex life including kink. Whilst devastated and processing this break uo I went to stay with a friend of over 15 years. He had always been respectful and observant of boundaries. We had many conversations about relationships and sex but he never ever crossed a line. Whilst I was asleep (and sedated due to the meds I take. Which he knew) he assaulted me. I can give details if they're relevant but I dont think they are. Today it's just hit me that at some point I'll want to start dating again, but oh my god - how do you trust someone to respect boundaries and consent when you've only met them recently, if someone you've known for going on two decades can ignore them? I love sex. I love kink. And now im looking at a future where I cant picture trusting anyone enough to let down my guard with them to sleep with them (literally) or engage in kink. It's broken me even more than I already was.

Summerhillsquare · 08/11/2025 22:04

Why would you want to start dating then? Life without men is perfectly possible and good.

FatCatPyjamas · 08/11/2025 22:13

I'm so sorry you've experienced so.ething so awful, but slow right down. You don't need to be thinking that far ahead just now. Focus on today.

EarthSight · 08/11/2025 22:25

One of the biggest and most frequent mistakes women make is assume that just because they enjoy something for a particular reason, that the man must also like it for that same reason, and that reason alone.

This leads women to think that the men they're with a trustworthy and respectful when that might not be true.

I'm not sure what kind of things you're into, but if this man is into sadomasochism, and enjoyed choking you, humiliating you, or harming you in other ways, it's naive and quite dangerous to assume that this predilection is totally divorced from his overall behaviour or attitudes.

Many men like such things for a reason.

When they engage in certain activities, what they're getting used to is abusing women. Physically, that is what they're doing. Your pleasure and pleasing you may come into that, but it's dangerous to ignore what kind of pleasure that otherwise brings them, and why.

Just because a man isn't into 'kink', doesn't mean he's nice, but the ones who are into domination and abusing women have a much high chance of being psychopathic misogynists.

I know it's not what you or many other women who are into the same things want to hear, but if you want to decrease your risk of running into abusers in future, that is one thing to keep in mind. Your ex could have been the exception, not the rule.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 08/11/2025 22:36

EarthSight · 08/11/2025 22:25

One of the biggest and most frequent mistakes women make is assume that just because they enjoy something for a particular reason, that the man must also like it for that same reason, and that reason alone.

This leads women to think that the men they're with a trustworthy and respectful when that might not be true.

I'm not sure what kind of things you're into, but if this man is into sadomasochism, and enjoyed choking you, humiliating you, or harming you in other ways, it's naive and quite dangerous to assume that this predilection is totally divorced from his overall behaviour or attitudes.

Many men like such things for a reason.

When they engage in certain activities, what they're getting used to is abusing women. Physically, that is what they're doing. Your pleasure and pleasing you may come into that, but it's dangerous to ignore what kind of pleasure that otherwise brings them, and why.

Just because a man isn't into 'kink', doesn't mean he's nice, but the ones who are into domination and abusing women have a much high chance of being psychopathic misogynists.

I know it's not what you or many other women who are into the same things want to hear, but if you want to decrease your risk of running into abusers in future, that is one thing to keep in mind. Your ex could have been the exception, not the rule.

Edited

I think you've massively misinterpreted my post.

The friend I went to stay with was not a partner or a kink partner. He was a friend who waited until I was asleep to sexually assault me.

And in respinse to the other posters, sex and kink within a loving relationship is one of life's great pleasures, which is why I want to experience it again and not let one selfish prick take it away from me. I'm just struggling to know how to do that.

OP posts:

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 02:24

Alwayschillyatnight · 08/11/2025 22:36

I think you've massively misinterpreted my post.

The friend I went to stay with was not a partner or a kink partner. He was a friend who waited until I was asleep to sexually assault me.

And in respinse to the other posters, sex and kink within a loving relationship is one of life's great pleasures, which is why I want to experience it again and not let one selfish prick take it away from me. I'm just struggling to know how to do that.

Show quote history

I don't think there is an easy way to just bite the bullet.

However, the good thing about the kink community generally is that conversations about boundaries, limits and consent are more normal earlier on in the relationship. Discussion about how trauma affects response and all of those things are things that are almost casual talk to ethical kinksters.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 09/11/2025 02:45

Some people enjoy kink as a healthy way to deal with their "demons" and "shadows", while other people use kink because they have issues that were not healed (in an unhealthy way). You don't mention your previous relationships, so we can't guess if you're repeating unhealthy patterns or not. I believe that if he heal enough, we will get healthy relationships and partners, kinky or not.

Original poster

Alwayschillyatnight · 09/11/2025 06:23

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 09/11/2025 02:45

Some people enjoy kink as a healthy way to deal with their "demons" and "shadows", while other people use kink because they have issues that were not healed (in an unhealthy way). You don't mention your previous relationships, so we can't guess if you're repeating unhealthy patterns or not. I believe that if he heal enough, we will get healthy relationships and partners, kinky or not.

I was in a long term vanilla marriage that broke down for a couple of reasons and ended due to an emotional affair on his part.

I think you have a point in that I suspect my emotional vulnerability made me more of a target. I used to be tough and strong and was met with respect. I know I need to do some more work on my self esteem. I do believe we attract people who have the same energy as us. If I can get to a point where my energy is stable and healthy perhaps I will be less likely to attract predatory arseholes. It gives me something to work towards anyway.

And to JadeSquid - he was part of that community and we'd had many conversations about such things. It was one of the reasons I thought he was trustworthy. In hindsight there were red flags i didnt pick up on but im trying not to castigate myself for that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:

Endofyear · 09/11/2025 07:27

I'm so sorry that this happened to you OP 😔 it's horrific to be assaulted by someone you feel safe with and trust.

It may help you to get some support and advice. You can contact https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ I think it would be good for you to access some counselling for yourself.

You sound like a strong woman, you will get through this. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Rape Crisis England & Wales is the feminist charity working to end child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment and all other forms of sexual violence.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk

JadeSquid · 09/11/2025 11:16

Alwayschillyatnight · 09/11/2025 06:23

I was in a long term vanilla marriage that broke down for a couple of reasons and ended due to an emotional affair on his part.

I think you have a point in that I suspect my emotional vulnerability made me more of a target. I used to be tough and strong and was met with respect. I know I need to do some more work on my self esteem. I do believe we attract people who have the same energy as us. If I can get to a point where my energy is stable and healthy perhaps I will be less likely to attract predatory arseholes. It gives me something to work towards anyway.

And to JadeSquid - he was part of that community and we'd had many conversations about such things. It was one of the reasons I thought he was trustworthy. In hindsight there were red flags i didnt pick up on but im trying not to castigate myself for that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

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I didn't really finish my post but my point was more that future people from that community will be accustomed to those conversations. It doesn't change the fact that you have to heal from the broken trust, but the people around you will be more willing to have the frank conversations you need to have.

The other decision to make is if you report him in the community.

EarthSight · 09/11/2025 11:57

I wish you the best OP and hope someone will reward your trust one day.