How to repair an awful row. Advice and perspective needed.

[CatherineCawoodsbestie]

Please help, I have no one i can talk to in RL. This may be long because I will try not to drip feed.

Background for context. Been with DW (SS relationship), for 20 years. We have teenage children who both have additional needs and can’t/wont be left with others or alone. We both work FT in our own very stressful business. Both come from dysfunctional/abusive family backgrounds, so find relationships challenging. This also means we have no family support. We had a challenging number of years when I had awful PnD, I have a history of MH issues and this escalated to the extent that I couldn’t work and was very withdrawn and not really functioning. I did engage with treatment and have been stable for 5 years, I made sweeping lifestyle changes and now I don’t drink, eat well, exercise etc, I have ADHD and autism as do both of the kids, I take a lot of meds and MH has been stable. But I have had periods of severe MH issues since my teens,

i have been wobbling again recently and seeking a meds review which will take months to arrange, Mood is low and I am I am withdrawn and over sensitive. So DW has been responding to this by being irritable and distant, which increases my anxiety/ rejection sensitivety stuff etc and then I become needier and a pain in the bum. She will ALWAYS prioritise the kids, hence we have not had a night out together for 2 1/2 years.

So I have been really sad about this and yes, jealous. She arranged to go to the cinema, fine . But when I realised that she was going with a group of our mutual friends to see a film I was desperate to see, I was upset - she realised and was furious. We got through that one.

she had arranged to go out today with a good friend of hers - fine. I was pleased about that. But I didn’t realise until they were leaving that she was also going again with our mutual friends, kids were in school. I admit, I was sad and yes upset that I had not been asked. Partly because she never sees keen to go out with me, and partly because it made me question our friends’ feelings again yet me. Yup - paranoid, I didn’t say anything to my DW, but a friend noticed and pointed it out and I said yes .

The friend told DW whilst they were out. She is furious. She feels I am completely selfish and controlling and she is not sure she can stay with me, she is humiliated that our friend realised as she is very private about relationship issues with others and sees it as disloyal to talk to others. I have apologised, I have said (honestly) that I never felt or said that she had been unreasonable, but I was being honest that I had felt hurt , which did not mean that these feelings were rational. I know that I am over sensitive and react and I said that, I was clear she has done nothing wrong, she says it has resulted in her feeling controlled and she is not allowed to see her friends,

I am so scared and I don’t how how to move forward. She won’t forget. I’m taking our daughter on a day trip tomorrow for her birthday, and then need it be on it, it won’t be resolved, I don’t know how to fake being ok.

i am a nightmare, i do overact. She is able to compartmentalise/ shut down. Sleep and eat normally and appear fine to others - not saying that it as bad thing, I am always a snotty mess and can’t hide it but I can’t tell anyone either. She will be polite, cold and clipped but totally shut down.

i can’t tell if my MH is going down the pan again either, I can’t tell. My perspective is skewed and I just don’t know, my sleep is terrible and my physical health isn’t great either . I can’t see the wood from the trees,

I just don’t know to move forward? I accept apologies immediately and move on, she does not. I also tie myself up in knots - she wants to know word for word what I said to our friend, and I just can’t answer that, because i can’t remember.

How can I repair things? I don’t want my children having two separate homes, But I can’t function with her anger, I am frozen by anger and confrontation.

what would you do?

sorry it is so long; I can’t think straight, but thank you!

I’ve been somewhat in your partners shoes, in that my H has autism and MH issues and has a strong need for autonomy and RSD. I want to be gentle as you are clearly suffering, but she has also been walking a hard road these last years. She may have been struggling to deal with your dysregulation, she may have been so worried about you, worried about the kids, worried about money, etc etc.

She may also have drifted into unhealthy coping strategies if she is shutting down and repressing. She may really need time away from your MH needs to be able to reset her ability to cope. I need friendships that are light, fun, and nourish me, as my partner can’t meet my need for joy and connection (or not often). I think you might need to consider those moments as her way of meeting her own needs and try to have a respectful discussion.

Hello. So sorry to hear you're suffering. You must forgive me if I've misread your post. I've had a few ales. If I've read this correctly, your other half has made social arrangements with mutual friends, you haven't been asked, a friend rightly called her out on this, because you're naturally upset, and you're the one in the wrong and she's adding to your devastation by making you feel worse instead of apologising herself, or explaining why you've been excluded?
I'm 53 so not up on modern parlance but I think you're been ' gaslighted'.

I dunno. I can't really get past her once again arranging to go out with your mutual friends without you, even though she knew how upset you were last time, and there was no "excuse" to leave you out as the kids were at school anyway. You are very quick to put yourself down, but I'm not sure how much kindness is coming your way.

Edited to add: how much kindness is coming your way from her, to make it clear. I've had a few ales too. :)

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds very painful and difficult. 🌹 Because you have included helpful and relevant info about your backgrounds, I wonder if it might help the situation if you were to come up with some positive ideas that you could suggest to your DW. So rather than focusing on the ins and outs of who feels what, and who said what, and why and how much it hurts etc. maybe a suggestion from you of some action you could take like - we’re getting in a bit of a mess here, going back and forth with these issues, shall we book ourselves some proper couples therapy, because I’d very much like to get onto a better path together. Or something. So much of your post shows that you are both very reactive. I’m no expert but I wonder if you might both benefit from learning a few skills of how to deal better together with stuff, rather than being against each other.

I don’t know, perhaps when you’re feeling so unwell and in so many ways it’s too hard to think of ways to dig yourself out. And it is so unpleasant being around someone who is angry with you. And for her, it’s very difficult being around someone who is mentally unwell. So you are both in a difficult situation and the first thing might be to establish whether you are both interested in saving things, together, not one of you blaming the other or expecting the other to resolve it.
not sure how helpful that is, but I wanted to at least respond as you sound very upset and scared
Edited to add: the first thing might be to find ways of getting your dcs cared for, even just for an hour so you can go out without them together maybe for a walk.

You just need to arrange your own time with your mutual friends. As a ss couple it can be hard to get time away from your partner because you will have the exact same friends, unlike male/female counterparts in non ss couples (not always the case of course). But time apart is so important. She shouldn't be angry but I think she's probably feeling overwhelmed, smothered and trapped. Let her have her space and make your own plans.

She's "furious" a lot though, isn't she? In response to things you wouldn't expect to trigger fury in someone who loves you. You sound like you're treading on eggshells much of the time and I suspect the responses on this thread would be less generous if she was a bloke, @CiderandSprouts excepted. But we're just 50somethings on ale.

@FetchezLaVache you're absolutely correct.
I'm scratching my head thinking why this poor woman is scratching HER head worrying about smoothing things over when she is the wronged party.
But having had an awful anxiety disorder, I understand how MH issues absolutely decimate your self- esteem.
And trying to conduct a romantic relationship when you have low self-esteem is like trying to swim the channel with a broken leg.

That should read ' Channel'. Being half- cut is no excuse for bad grammar!

You ladies in the commoner are a load of fun. I can’t even do grammar right when I’m dead sober.

OP pull over a stool and join the revelry (no need to drink!) You’re much overdue some fun, light, non-judgmental and nurturing socializing. Hang with us here!

More seriously. It seems you’ve really been beaten down. Does your partner ever make you feel loved and appreciated? Or do you always feel you’re doing everything wrong and are a burden? Maybe you should let this one sit a bit and not rush to apologize. It’s okay to sit with the discomfort for a bit.

Op I think there’s two sides to this- we don’t know what your wife has to deal with- maybe she honestly needs some light time alone because life for her sounds very closed, which is fine, you’re a small little unit, but sometimes it is necessary to get out of your dynamic for a while. I think you’re very hard on yourself too though, and you need some time yourself with friends too! I don’t think she is cruel or gaslighting you, I think you’re both in a very tough set of circumstances and life is very cloudy for you both x You should both have a chat about arranging to do something fun together while the dc are at school

Your wife isn’t very nice to you. No wonder your mental health is shot to pieces.

She leaves you out of social occasions, disregards your feelings, shuts you down when you try to express your emotions, tries to control what you say to whom and demands to know the content of your private conversations “word for word”?

I’d give her a couple of words alright, and one of them would be ‘off’.

i agree with @BlueEyedBogWitch, I’d be feeling pretty bloody depressed if my ‘partner’ was purposely excluding me from social events with mutual friends and then having a go at me for being upset 🙄 she’s the issue.

Is she bullying/controlling you? Sounds like you're terrified of her..

What are you giving to this relationship and to her? It sounds like she’s supporting you and you’re not providing anything - for example, if you wanted to go to see that film at the cinema why didn’t you arrange it with her and your mutual friends? Why is it you who is piggybacking off her life? Obviously I hear your mental health issues but you’re leaning so heavily on her it’s hardly surprising that she’s feeling stressed. It’s hard to be cast in the role of ‘support’ over a long time, maybe have a think about the dynamics of your relationship and think about what support she is experiencing.

Not the point but you havent been out together on a date in 2.5 yrs!?

We have a 3 and 1 yr old and average 1 x per month!!! Your relationship sounds hard and joyless.
She sounds like she run out of patience / energy to give supporting you hence isnt very nice sometimes....

Like @Beanie567 I dont understand why you didnt / hadnt arranged seeing the film if you really wanted to go....

You would both benefit from talking to a counsellor who could help you untangle what is going on here - I don't know how feasible that is practically speaking though it could be online.

Children with SEN bring a lot of strain to a family, plus you have poor mental health which won't be easy for your DW to deal with. I can't tell whether she is really at fault or not but I can understand why she might need some fun time away from you. (To be honest, I think people do generally need time away from a partner- that's perfectly healthy). But then you do as well, so it shouldn't be her always going out with your friends. Do you not have any separate friends? Can you not divide the group sometimes? I think at the very least you should take turns at socialising if tgars what you want.

But really you need to work on the relationship / see if you can resolve anything. The way you write makes you sound like you can't see the wood for the trees, so maybe if you can't see a counsellor, you could each try writing down a list of worries / issues for each other. And agree to discuss one at a time without arguing.

I don’t understand why she excluded you the second time, after she saw how hurt you were by the first time. It’s fine to do some things with friends rather than as a couple and a friendship group, but excluding your spouse from an outing with mutual friends to see a film they wanted to see feels very pointed and designed to hurt.

When you have MH issues it's easy to blame yourself for every little thing that goes wrong, and easy for others too. It doesn't really sound like she has been supporting you, and I know it has been hard for her but it sounds like you have put in tons of effort and made progress. She sounds kinda angry and like she is the one who is controlling. Are you walking on eggshells with her? Perhaps look at couples counselling.

The first message is very wise.

On the surface of it, your wife’s behaviour is poor and unsympathetic. However, you can’t know what she’s experiencing and her side of the story might sound very different. She may be fed up with being ‘strong and dependable’ she may be desperate for fun because she sees you are dipping and is afraid, she may wish you organised fun stuff instead of just joining in with what she organises. We don’t know, obviously.

As you want to keep the relationship, try the practical steps PPs have suggested. Organise a trip out for yourself, build a life that you enjoy so you worry less about your wife doing fun things without you.

Can you go out together?

It’s tough one as living with someone with MH issues can be absolutely draining and so I can see why she needs time away from it. However purposefully excluding you twice seems shitty. Can you not arrange your own outings with friends without her so you’ve got time apart?

@Subwaystop ha ha thanks, I wrote 'been' instead of 'being'.....was reading my first post to check I hadn't been too blunt. I hang my slightly sore head in shame x

Gah, I wrote a really long reply and lost it. But I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful perspectives. I have taken something from all of them.

what is good is that since I wrote and lost the long reply, DW and I have talked and listened to one another. So it feels better. I think it is fair to say that our marriage is very vulnerable atm but she says she wants to try and make it work. Time will tell if that is for me, or rather than she wants stability for the children.

she doesn’t want to go to couples counselling, but I am going to have some myself.

I already go out pretty frequently - the gym is my main thing and I am sociable with the regulars and go to classes. And walking, either alone or with my daughter. We like day trips too. DW and our son are homebodies and can rarely be persuaded to join us. She says she will try to do so sometimes.

onwards and upwards. I do feel a bit more optimistic today.

Thank you everyone!

I've not had any ales and I agree with this.