Had enough

[leftyluceyrightytighty]

Im sorry if this is a bit much. I feel I’m at the end of my tether now.
I have two teens and been married 20 years. Everything was great the first 7 years before marriage. Never argued and got on fine. Had kids and then it the cracks started appearing. It was his temper and drinking. The drinking was mainly getting drunk so quick, falling sleep and then waking up ( or not) being a different person, Shouting at me and often not making sense. I think they were blackouts. We discussed and He changed drink type and and it seemed to stop. But he still seemed to get so drunk so quickly. Always eyes half shut when talking to you. Very odd and embarrassing around friends. My kids (teens) have even noticed it and asked why he gets like that. Inbetween being generally a hard working person who pays the bills, supports my work, cooks dinners and does clean (partly) he’s a very angry man. Day to day pretty easy going but he’s getting worse as he gets older. I hear him swearing at his computer through out the day ( both work from home). I’m finding him getting more and more controlling over small things. When he does blow, he really blows. Name calling swearing and shouting ( Never hitting)I find it so explosive and unsettling. My heart races and I’m on hyper alert.
This information is probably a bit vague and not much to go on and so much more has gone on but when is enough enough? I have no idea how if support myself and kids if and when I decide to leave. I don’t want to, I just want him to get the help that’s I’ve been asking him to get for years. How do people do it? Go from a nice life with all the luxuries as a couple to on your own and your kids lives changing forever. My kids are older so I’m almost out the other side. Give or take 5 years.

i think im just looking to hear from people who have come out of the other side. Thanks x

I left a very angry man, you just learn to live on less. We managed. It was much more important to have a quiet and peaceful home than luxuries.
I've never regretted it. You'd be mad staying another year.
Look into what additional benefits you could get and call womens aid also. Good luck.

I left my ex when ds was 2 and ex wouldn't stop drinking. But I still had my deposit from before ds was born, in a bank account, and could go back to my career, so it was easier for me. The first year was hard, living in a temporary flat while I found a new job back in my home area. Ds was 2 so really only needed me.

With teens it will be harder because you need to stay near schools and friends. Would your dh leave, since he is the problem? How much equity is there in the house? Enough for a deposit on a 3 bed house for each of you? How many years could you get a mortgage for?

OP

I think that enough is enough now frankly. You may not want to leave but really what choice do you have?. Another 5 years or so of this will emotionally destroy you and the kids. Your marriage was over when his primary relationship became with drink a few years into your marriage. Your kids do not likely think they have a nice life; they may well have material things but they see more than either of you care to realise. Sound travels and they hear their dad shout and holler whilst pissed and that is terrifying to them. They see all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to each other and they pick up on all the vibes. You've become inured over the years to his abuses of you and in turn your kids. You're also playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; namely codependent partner, enabler and provoker. You're also hyper vigilant and looking to fire fight all the time. Your kids do pick up on all this at home.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did one of your parents drink to excess too?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You indeed would be mad to stay in this codependent and dysfunctional relationship another three months let alone potentially 5 years (which is presumably when you pull the rug from under your children at 18). Don't do that to them and why stay for the supposed sake of the kids or for a lifestyle you want to maintain?. They are not going to say thanks mum to you for doing that and could well accuse you of putting him before them.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Your children and you need a calm and stable home; you do not have this currently because your man is a verbally abusive drunkard. He does not want your help or support and the only person who can decide to stop drinking is HE and HE alone. You cannot make him seek help; you can only help your own self ultimately. Attending Al-anon meetings (at the very least read their literature) and seeking legal advice re all aspects of divorce are recommended courses of action here. You may be able to increase your work hours.

The 3cs re alcoholism are you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You also have a choice re this man, your children do not.

The biggest luxury in the world is a peaceful, calm home.

I was in a marriage like this I left in the end couldn't take anymore don't stay and suffer

Now, or a few years ago is the time to leave. Trust me, a calm non aggressive house and less luxuries wins every time. Ask him to get help if you want to stay with him, but don’t hold onto too much hope he will change as they rarely do.

attila. No my parents didn’t drink much at all. But my dad could have a temper but not in a shouty way. I would get smacked but it was the 80’s. Wasn’t right of course though.