therapy ultimatum

[Platinumsilvergold]

Am at the end of my rope with my husband and his horrible temper. He's not violent but shouty, grumpy, crabby, irritable.

I have had therapy myself. I know I am not perfect - who is? - but I do know how to communicate like a calm and respectful adult human being.

I know this is a problem with HIM, not 'us' and our relationship dynamic. He needs to get help to manage his temper if he's not going to drive me away entirely.

Has anyone ever said 'go get help, or we are done?' What happened? Did it work?

OP

re your comment:

"He has always had a tendency to get into a bit of a bad mood or a little snappy or whatever on the odd occasion. But these episodes were rare, and he would always apologise and give a 'reason' for it".

This is the red flag. And those apologies were meaningless back then too. He does this because he can. Abuse like this can and does creep up on people unawares and they certainly do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead. It's not your fault he is like this but he is quick to blame you. It is always someone else's fault you see; never their own.

He's always been like this and he has not changed in all the years since. Chances are also one or even worse both his parents behave the same. This is learnt behaviour deep in his psyche.

You have a choice re your man OP and your children do not. Do not fall prey to the sunken costs fallacy and get bogged down in your sunk costs.

Many people are subjected to stressful times and or have repeated hard times but they do not resort to using their spouse ie you in this instance as their personal emotional punchbag. You feel like this because you are indeed this. It is also indeed one rule for him and yet another for you.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you?. Your children are telling you dad is both grumpy and snappy; what is your response when they say this?.

I am in a very similar situation. My partner is angry/grumpy/ critical constantly. I have attended two couples counselling sessions solo thus far. He refused to attend. I asked him to leave today and contact his solicitor. His solicitor has recommended he should do therapy if he claims he wishes to make the relationship work. He now has agreed to attend therapy and help out more at home.
I’m optimistic but realistic.

I’m disappointed it has come to this but I will not endure emotional abuse any longer. He is estranged from his whole family. I’m close to my family and they have all recognised the abuse. I’m lucky I have a good support system.

Whatever happens I can look back and say I tried 100% to make it work, but I will no longer tolerate abuse.

I insisted my alcoholic husband attended therapy after his affair when our marriage failed. He did attend found it ‘helpful’ but never once mentioned that he was an alcoholic or had had an affair as reasons why our family imploded.

He spent all of his time talking about how my issues (depression, exhaustion) impacted the failed marriage and his conclusion to this concocted victim narrative derived through ‘therapy’ was that I held all the power that’s why he was struggling…..

Jackanory time.

"I'm with a nasty-tempered bully. He doesn't seem to like me. I want to transform him into a nice man who cares about me."

Does this look like a reasonable ask, @Platinumsilvergold?

@Platinumsilvergold What you describe is all too common with men. They seem to think they've got free license to treat their wives like shit and walk around like a thunderous black cloud because of a few minor setbacks. In fact, they do it without the bloody setbacks. He will only get worse OP. Imagine what he'll be like at 70. Start making plans to leave as soon as practicable. Better to be on your own than with a nasty, abusive old man.

OP any chance you could video/audio tape the next outburst? I know it's difficult to predict when these might occur but if you could it would be helpful for you to review it (and possibly a counsellor for you too). I would say it would be cool for you to email him his own behavior caught on tape but maybe that may not be enough to change him and may elevate said behavour further. (one can wish tho eh?)