How do I have a relationship with myself?

[Alwayschillyatnight]

Bear with me here.
Very recently out of a 6 year relationship with the love of my life, who I met fairly close on the heels of a 15 year marriage going kaput.

It is quite obvious - albeit depressing - to me that i need to spend a bit of time on my own building my own resilience, coping strategies, spending time on my own and with friends.

So how do I shut down my libido and my overwhelming desire for affection and physical contact and focus on me? A lot of my hobbies keep my hands busy but allow my brain lots of space to ruminate and ruminating is quite dangerous for me right now. Knitting, life art classes, baking...

I like to run, and that is good for me, but my fitness has dropped recently so I am building back up. I have a few local friends who I try to meet up with, but im a single mum to two kids and currently.between jobs, so a bit limited on how much time I can spend out during the evenings as I dont want to leave them alone too long and cant pay for a babysitter.

So tell me - what do I do to make myself the woman I want and need to be before I can consider dating again? Crazy and jokey ideas welcome too, I could use a laugh. Just dont be mean. My self esteem is a bit battered currently.

I think "don't be afraid of the discomfort". Being newly single from something that hurt you can be a really uncomfortable time. You want to be ok and are looking for something to do that will get from here to OK immediately. There isn't really. You are going to be sad, scared, angry, horny, lonely, etc.. You need to learn to live with those feelings and spend some time on reflecting on what really went wrong in your last relationships - coming to understand what you did wrong and how not to do it again.

After my marriage split I was pretty down for a while and it took a good year before I was ready to date again and I still jumped back in too soon. I thought I was ready to have good boundaries but I had one more painful lesson to learn!

All of this doesn't mean you should wear sack-cloth and ashes for a year. You can have fun. Sounds like getting back into running would be great. My DP would recommend park-run but he's a bit of a fanatic! Spending time on those hobbies you do love - perhaps add an audiobook to the knitting to keep the brain busy? Making sure you foster connections with friends / family. Make the effort to notice things that make you happy, that you are grateful for. Revist music you once loved, hobbies you've let go, places you used to enjoy going. Do things that make you a rouch uncomfortable - like going to a new fitness class or trying ice skating when you've not been for years or something. Make the effort to light the candle or put on the lamp or use your fluffy blanket and be kind to yourself as you get through the discomfort. And when you think you've reached the other side take another month or two!

Thank you. This was sorely needed.
I keep intending to do parkrun, but need to get my fitness and stamina levels back up a bit. Im struggling to do 2 or 3k currently. I'd love to find more social groups and meet new people but not having much luck with that atm.

Anyway. Just about to go visit an old, dear friend as part of my drive to do nice things for myself.
Thank you.

Could you join a running club or something like that, that are encouraging of beginners? Means you don't have pressure to be at a certain fitness and you also potentially get to meet new people and socialise.

If you’re between jobs find somewhere during school hours you can volunteer. I had a similar issue to you and it did wonders for me - you can chat away to whoever else is there and keep both brain and hands busy plus make new connections. Look for local food banks, groups for the elderly etc - particularly places that don’t need you to commit long term when you get a new job

To me it's just discovering the joyous things about being single and treating yourself a bit - you can lie in if you want, watch what you want, go where you want whenever, no one to answer to. What that looks like depends on what you like.

But basically date yourself - take yourself on days out, book a solo weekend away, go out for a meal with a book, no need to wait until you meet someone to do these things. Try some new things, or take up a little project / goal.

See if there any Women only clubs if you want to stay away from men .
You don't have to shut down your libido , just get creative with toys , treat yourself to new ones / buy your first .

Sitting with your discomfort and dealing with your own thoughts is a good skill to learn. It's how you realise that thoughts are just that, they are not real. It helps with regulating emotions and building resilience. Find a guided meditation practice and go regularly, it seems weird at first, but when you get the hang of it, it really works.

You could always walk the last bit. Plenty of people are doing that. They always have an official person at the tail end, so no
one comes last. A few times I actually took my kids in the double buggy!! Half-jogging all the way round/stopping to pick up toys/shoes/ lol at ducks etc and still I wasn't 'last', they're very clear at it not being a competitive race, anyway. Very welcoming.

Anyway, not much advice on the rest, just thought I'd chime in with this. Wishing you all the best, OP.

Some really nice ideas here. I probably wont treat myself to anything until im earning again, but I might look around for a running club and see when they meet.

I vaguely remember an app you could use to find social events? Need to Google that I think

Some really nice ideas here. I probably wont treat myself to anything until im earning again, but I might look around for a running club and see when they meet.

I vaguely remember an app you could use to find social events? Need to Google that I think

This. Excellent post. Excellent advice.

Meetup is going for finding events.

I second that “can’t come last at Parkrun” thing. DP was injured over the summer so volunteered as tail walker for a few weeks. Took well over an hour for him to get around at the very back of the pack chatting to other walkers.

Meet up- that's the one. Maybe I can find something that tickles my fancy