Making a new friend

[PeepDeBeaul]

Hi all, I need the court of public opinion here. Apologies if this is the wrong topic, I couldn't see a perfect fit in the list.

Context: I (44F & ND) take my daughter swimming every week. I get about an hour poolside. During the last few months, one of the other dads and I have been chatting regularly and struck up a bit of a loose friendship. His kids go to the same school as my daughter. He chooses to come chat to me, his daughters lessons start a few minutes after mine, so I'm sat by the time he gets there.

He started a new job this week, and his hours mean he can no longer bring his daughter's swimming, His wife is now on duty. She's lovely too, but isn't keen on talking for more than just pleasentries. He was really excited for the new job, but never mentioned that he wouldn't be bringing his girls swimming any more. I don't think it occurred to him tbh.

I added him on LinkedIn by finding his wife in the PTA Facebook group and working out his full name from there, he gave me his first name when we started chatting. He accepted my invite.

The problem : I don't want to appear creepy or weird, nor do I want to alienate his wife or get her suspicions up. I was really disappointed that he wasn't there this week though, so I really want to send him a message on LinkedIn.

Should I persue this friendship?
How do I do it via LinkedIn without coming across as weird/creepy/flirty etc.

I am ND, friendships are really hard to navigate...it's so easy to be too much and too intense. Most of my mates are male, but I've had wives in the past get unnecessarily suspicious, so I'm wary of that too.

I need a female perspective, and my social circle is woefully short of them!

I wouldn't message him. It won't look innocent, even if it 100% is.

I don’t think I’d pursue this friendship. Maybe look out for another person to chat to at the swimming pool.Ask his wife how his new job is going, have a quick chat if you see him at school.

Hi OP.

I think I'm ND too (waiting for an assessment). I'm only stating this so you know that I'm giving an opinion as a like-minded individual.

Personally, I wouldn't message him. I already think it was a bit of a wrong move to have added him on LinkedIn by searching for his wife to find out his last name. I assume if he wanted you to have added him on some form of social media, he would have asked you to do so.

However, obviously that's done now and unless you unfriend him, it can't be changed or undone.

I wouldn't pursue the friendship.

Saying that, I know how hard it can be to make friends as a ND person. I only have one friend, and that's someone I met on the school run who also suspects she's ND.

I think you've latched onto this potential friendship very hard. I wouldn't normally see a problem with this, but paired with the fact you kind of went detective mode to find his full name to add him on LinkedIn, I think that's where lines can become blurred. Navigating friendships can be so difficult, and I've done similar to you in the past which is why I can advise you based on my experience.

As a PP said, talk to him on the school run, and ask his wife how his new job is going if/when you see her, but don't pursue this any further past being friendly acquaintances x

There's a reason he didn't think to tell you. You were a swimming lesson temporary chat. This is already creepy.

This is creepy,you have gone out of your way to find him .As someone else said he was just a swimming lesson dad who liked a chat .

I understand making friends can be difficult OP but it’s my honest opinion that he was just a polite, friendly person killing some time while waiting for his child to finish their lesson- same as you at the time. If I was his wife I wouldn’t appreciate you tracking him down, it wouldn’t sit well with me. I do understand though because I have many acquaintances when I go lane swimming, both male and female and we can have some lovely chats before and after the swim session. When on occasion it has become more “mate” than “acquaintance”, it’s always been “hey let’s all meet for a coffee as a group with our partners” just to make it clear it’s only mates socialising. Partners can choose to go or not, but it’s always in a group setting and everyone is invited. If you’re not on that level with the wife and you don’t expect it to ever be like that, I’d let this friendship idea go. If his schedule changes you may see him again, if not, it is what it is.

Seriously you have actually stalked him to find him on linkedin. He is not your friend it was chat at a kids activity. Leave it alone christ do not message this man.

OP, I think you did a good thing posting the question here.
Don't mind the people here who are being negative. I actually think it shows that you're aware that you sometimes come across different from the way you'd like, and you're doing what you can to address those difficulties.

I don't think it's appropriate to pursue the friendship. If he was open to that, he would have offered you an easy way to do so without needing to resort to online sleuthing.
Whatever contact you have with him now, might come across as intrusive and might cross a few boundaries.

You've already sent the LinkedIn invite - which I personally wouldn't have done either. If he was interested in being your friend, he would have contacted you. Making friends is hard, but forcing a friendship won't solve that problem either.

Leave him alone

Tracking him down and adding him on LinkedIn was a very weird thing to do. Do not engage with him any further. Someone you made small talk with once a week is an acquaintance, not a friend.

I know you mean well OP but this is another parent you've chatted casually to while taking your child to an activity. It's not a friendship, it's polite chit-chat. The fact that you've gone through his wife's Facebook and looking him up on LinkedIn is a bit creepy already. He's married and his wife would likely think it's inappropriate for some woman who he's chatted to at swimming to be messaging him on work related social media.

What is it that you are looking for from him? If you're completely honest with yourself, are you attracted to him?

No

I didn't go through his wife's Facebook either. That would be weird. I went on a group we are both members of. He had already said he doesn't use Facebook much though.

I was thinking that since he didn't say anything about not coming to swimming in light if his new job, he hadn't intended to just kill our fledgling friendship. I gave us both a route for contact.

My DH has lots of female friends and I would still be weirded out if someone tried to message him after a chat at swimming! Chatting at swimming is just something you do. Doesn't mean friendship.

OP, I have close friendships with men, and find the common Mn attitude to them as seething with sexuality deeply odd. However, in your shoes I wouldn’t follow this up. The fact that he didn’t tell you he wouldn’t be at the swimming class any more, even though he’d told you about his great new job, indicates to me that he just saw you as a pleasant person to chat with while waiting, not someone he had formed any kind of deeper bond with, or considered keeping in touch with.

You say yourself that you don’t think it occurred to him to tell you he wouldn’t be there any more. You only know his first name, and don’t have one another’s contact details. You had to sleuth via his wife’s FB o find his LinkedIn. If someone’s interested in maintaining a friendship, and they’re the one leaving the activity where you see one another, they’ll tell you and exchange contacts. Or, when they’re leaving, if you want to stay in touch, you ask for their phone number. Neither of you did that.

I think you’re overthinking that he chose to chat to you while you waited, and accepted your LinkedIn invite.

I’d just write this one off as situational.

Have you considered that there is no new job, you were getting a bit intense so they agreed that the wife would take the kids for a while?

Also possible, though the fact that he accepted the OP’s LinkedIn invite maybe suggests not?

He was a 'friend' for a reason (shared hour poolside) but that reason has finished. If neither of you felt a wish to connect outside of that poolside hour before his new job then there isn't enough of a connection to do it now.

Making new friends as an adult is hard but I think you might be stepping on toes to message him directly asking to connect outside of swimming.

No don't message him, it would be odd and I would be suspicious of you if I was his wife

Step away OP. There's nothing to indicate this was anything more than two parents making small talk whilst their children do the same activity. Out of interest, have you befriended the mum on social media or just the husband?

And, what makes you think this?
but never mentioned that he wouldn't be bringing his girls swimming any more. I don't think it occurred to him tbh.

Ouch, that's maybe a bit strong? Yeah, I mean don't be reaching out to a married man after a loose connection such as chatting poolside but she doesn't need to take this on board as well!