29 years old, NO sex drive - really need to sort it out!

[29NoSexDrive]

Hello all

Looking for some advice if anyone has been through anything similar and managed to get their sex drive back!

I am 29 years old, been with my fiancé coming up to 5 years. When we first got together we were having sex daily as you do in a new relationship. About one year in it dropped to 2 - 3 times a week which we were both happy with. I've always been a sexual person and really enjoy how close it makes me feel to my partner, I would never see myself in a sexless relationship and wouldn't want my partner to be in a sexless relationship either if that's not what they wanted.

At about the 2 year mark, I went onto fluoxetine due to some issues with my mental health. We also went through two miscarriages which may have been a factor. Whilst on fluoxetine my sex drive completely plummeted, I really struggled on that medication and with my mental health and got quite ill. I lost a lot of weight, became severely underweight and I was so self conscious of how I looked. During this time we stopped having sex but my partner was amazing, he cared for me and supported me back into full health.

I came off the fluoxetine about a year ago but my sex drive has just completely not come back or even shown it's head. My mental health is better, I am back to my usual weight and have no body image or confidence issues. I am attracted to and in love with my partner. We kiss and cuddle, we hold hands when we're out, snuggle up on the sofa and spend quality time together so we haven't drifted apart at all.

I just have no desire to have sex. No desire for any solo activity either. As I am writing this, we haven't had sex since 6th September, before that it was 16th July. It breaks my heart, we talk about it and my partner just wants me to be happy but I want us to be intimate. It's like a switch has just been turned off in me. I don't want to drip feed but I was raped in 2017 so unfortunately if I do not have any drive or I'm not 'in the mood', I absolutely cannot just make myself get on with it because it brings back some trauma, and my partner would never want me to just get through it either.

I want to go back to how I was before medication and before our pregnancy losses, I want to be back to regularly having sex and feeling connected with my partner! I am only 29 and feel this is just not a normal way for me to feel, and I do not want to resign my partner and I to a sexless relationship.

Has anyone else been through similar? If I speak to a doctor, can they really help me? Is there any natural or OTC supplements or treatments I can take? I am honestly desperate to get back to normal - apologies this is so long but if anyone can help or share advice, I would really appreciate it.

You've said that you've got no inclination for any solo activity, but have you tried it anyway?

DP has always found that if she doesn't use her libido, it buggers off, even if she doesn't want it to. So she makes sure she has a bit of solo time even if she's not actually feeling it, because it'll usually spark her sex drive back into life.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots I have tried it, to see if it will kick start something as it were! I can get there eventually but it doesn't give me any desire to actually have sex :(

I would suggest speaking to the doctor about it, as this doesn't sound normal for a person your age and, as you said, your sex drive was fine before you went on the medication. A doctor will definitely be able to give you advice if nothing else.

I agree talk to a doctor. Unfortunately SSRIs can reduce libido permanently, not just while you’re on them

Try porn

Go to your doctor, i think it's unusual for someone your age, it could be hormonal?
What type of birth control are you on?
I used to find myself with a very high libido every time I ovulated, it was like mother's nature's way of saying go girl!

I’m not on any birth control as my partner and I are happy to have another pregnancy - not that we are TTC as obviously you need to have sex to conceive!

What would a doctor do? Unfortunately I don’t have the best experience of doctors and find they just try shove me back onto fluoxetine or sertraline or any SSRI. My mental health is down to OCD, not depression so I can’t even say depression is impacting my sex drive as I’m not depressed or unhappy. Is there a medication they can give me to bring it back? Does a female version of viagra exist?!

I'm afraid this is the case. This is why I stopped them within a week. A while ago, when I was depressed, I noticed the immediate impact on my libido, and ability to climax. Came straight off them.

As pps said, sadly this is a common side effect of these meds, especially fluoxetine

It never came back for me in the same way after taking them for 6 months. I got to maybe 50% after like 10 years with the help if HRT, but I mourn the old me and the drive / orgasms.

Honestly I think they should be way clearer about the risks of these meds.

Sorry not to have better news, and it totally might not be the same for you

I seem to have suggested this to a couple of people recently - worth trying yoga?

Try a really good acupuncturist

I think op there's a lot of trauma you've experienced in your life all in some way very connected to your physical body and sex on different ways. It would make complete sense for you to want to self preserve on a subconscious level and maybe your mind has shut this down to protect you. Would you consider counselling with a specialist counsellor who's got experience with the types of trauma you've been through? It's a lot for anyone.

An open chat with a good gp would also be a good idea. It's great your partner is being supportive and that you're able to be open and communicating together. I know you're open to another pregnancy but not ttc actively at the moment but I'm wondering if it might be an idea to table sex completely for an agreed amount of time in order to give yourself space from the pressure and worry about your partner and what if they want to etc because that can also start to make other forms of intimacy feel daunting eventually? Just might mean you can enjoy other intimacy without any worry of pressure that the other person might get their hopes up as to where it could lead.

I'd also just say (and don't want to be triggering or insensitive in any way) but loads of couples go through lengthy dry spells especially when raising young families or due to illness or hormone changes etc so just wanted to affirm that what you're experiencing is not uncommon or abnormal. That doesn't mean you need to live with it or shouldn't feel entitled to address it, but that it's completely normal and you are not alone. People just don't talk about it in the real world much.

Hi
i am wondering if you have had any counselling at all? I don’t know if that would help.
it might be that you subconsciously associate sex with loss and pain and specialist counselling would help.

have you tried therapy? apologies if this seems like an obvious question. sounds like you’ve coped with a lot x sending hugs 🤗
On the plus side you are young and have lots of time to work things out

Try taking saffron and ashwagandha @29NoSexDrive Herbal remedies are less likely to have side effects and they are safe to take together with several benefits.

Viagra works on women too. Well it did on one of my friends! Worth a try 😉

There's some serious emotional issues here which could be making the situation worse as well as medical ones, but libido is very tied to hormones too.

What's important to realise is that as women, we may not be designed to feel a libido all the time. Many women only feel a real spike around ovulation time, but we've accustomed to thinking about men's desire and bodies as the standard, as the blueprint against which we must be measured.

As a plan, I'd like you to go your GP and ask them if there is any reason, with your medical history, that you can't go on 500mg of fenugreek exctract supplement per day (standardised to 250mg saponins). It can make a low thyroid worse, but it depends on the person.

If they say it's ok, try that for 6 weeks - it can take 6 weeks to take effect so you really need to take it for at least that long before making your mind up. Health 4 All on Amazon, despite their cheap looking packaging used to a really good one and they're not all like that, but maybe you can find an equivalent.

If you then feel something stirring at that 6 week mark , it's a sign that your issue is hormonal, in my opinion. The reason being that that fenugreek is used to synthesise pregnenaolione, a 'mother hormone' that converts to DHEA estrogen and testosterone. With the studies I've seen, it increases dopamine as well.

As with many dopamine type supplements, you have to cycle them as your body just gets used to it eventually and the nice libidinous buzz will wear off. Come back here and report what you experience! Don't expect your GP to know any of that. It's quite niche, but I can attest that it works.

No - bloody quack industry that can be very dangerous in the wrong hands.

If it's related to stress, then yes something like yoga would work, but otherwise, it won't. She needs something stronger than that. In this case I think it's either therapy, hormones, dopamine, or all of them.

It sounds like there is a complex mixture of issues at play here, potentially - physical, hormonal, emotional, mental. As others have said, it could be in full or part a result of the medication. But it could also be a legacy of the mental health issues you have experienced, the miscarriages, or other issues you've experienced, including being underweight etc. The body carries all of that.

I would chat to your GP. But if you can afford it I would consider counselling too on the basis that a qualified and experienced counsellor is not going to do any harm and might well do a whole lot of good.

Don’t try viagra - there’s no evidence it works in women and comes with its own side effects. But there are other medicines you can try which increase sexual arousal in women