Learning to communicate better with DH - tips?!

[SnugSheep]

DH and I are best friends and have always felt that we’ve been pretty good at communicating with each other - we listen and are quick to apologise and try to get to the bottom of things/actually resolve the issue.

But lately, I’ve noticed that DH has been more oppositional when talking to me. For instance, I feel like he often has a counter to whatever I say, even if it’s daft small talk, a throwaway comment. For example I’ll say ‘looks like it might rain,’ and he’ll say ‘no it looks fine to me.’ It’s not aggressive at all, but it’s a bit draining and I’m worried it’s symptomatic of some underlying resentment. We’re currently in the trenches with two kids under 4 (one of whom hates sleep!) perpetually ill and utterly knackered, so that doesn’t help!

We’ve spoken about it and he didn’t realise he was doing it, which I do believe as it feels totally unconscious. But he and I have always been different in terms of how we form opinions, and we both think this might be why he’s unconsciously resisting rather than engaging with me in this way.

I tend to listen to my gut and decide fairly quickly how I feel about something instinctively alone. He’s slower to process and needs to talk some things out before he really knows how he feels about it. Often it means I’m the more assertive person with stronger feelings, and I can admit that my feelings about things can end up being the default. I know I sound controlling! I do always want to hear what he thinks and feels though and I genuinely listen and try find compromise. Perhaps I could do a better job of convincing him that’s actually what I want. But, I also sometimes get frustrated when he doesn’t know how he feels, or when he can’t see my point. 🥺

He’s told me that he feels he’s more mindful of my needs/opinions than I am his sometimes, and that we do what I think is best more often than not. I can hold my hand up and say that has the ring of truth. I want us to find a better way forward.

But, how to start? Any tips? We’re both willing to work on it!

I think you might have answered your own question here...

"He’s told me that he feels he’s more mindful of my needs/opinions than I am his sometimes, and that we do what I think is best more often than not. I can hold my hand up and say that has the ring of truth. I want us to find a better way forward."

Maybe the first place to start is to be more mindful of his needs and opinions. You've said you sometimes get frustrated when he's unsure of how he feels or doesn't see your point of view, so I would suggest that when this frustration appears, take a moment and see if you are able to be more accepting that he has a different thought process to you.

Even knowing and being mindful that he processes things differently, and not judging him for it, might just be the shift you need in communicating with him better (although, from what you describe, you both already communicate much better than a lot of clients I work with! (I'm a relationship therapist)).

Wishing you all the best.

Another couples counselor here chiming in 😊
Often it's not about what we say, but the processes going on underneath.
A big one is the intention with which we listen to each other.
In my marriage we have a firm rule to listen with the intention to understand, not with the intention to react.
We reply mostly by using questions, rather than making statements.

There's something very warm about listening to someone's opinion and asking them 'please tell me more about how you've come to feel this way', rather than stating that you don't agree or you don't share that opinion. I find that everything that needs to be said will be said along the way even if you don't react to everything your partner says with more information about yourself.

It's a very important skill to be patient and to take your time to really understand what it is they're trying to explain, rather than immediately putting yourself on the center stage again.

You are both v tired. Just focus on relaxing together when you can

This. And try not to overanalyse every communication and the motivation behind it.

Thanks everyone. Really helpful!

We definitely are tired, but the analysis has been useful if only to get us talking about something other than the kids and how bloody exhausted we are! In that sense, it’s been refreshing and a bit romantic to feel like we’re still working on us, even when we’ve got so little energy. But I take the point. I only wish we had more time to relax together! Really miss him sometimes.