Update on the “mental load” — trying to let go (a bit)

[NourWu]

It’s wild how many of us are running on lists and autopilot.
A few people mentioned just letting things slide sometimes, and I’ve actually tried to do that over the past couple of weeks. It’s been uncomfortable at first (I’m one of those people who can’t relax if there are dishes in the sink), but it’s made a difference. The house hasn’t fallen apart, and I’ve had a few evenings where I didn’t immediately start planning the next day in my head.
I also asked my partner to take ownership of one ongoing “mental” task instead of waiting to be told — he’s now in charge of school communications, and while it’s not perfect, it’s one less thing on my list.
It’s still a work in progress, but it’s reassuring to know I’m not just bad at coping — it’s genuinely a lot to carry.

I agree.

I agree to shift expectations and priorities when your DC are little and you are working.

The most important bit is to prioritise your mental peace so that you can conserve and maximise your finite headspace, time and energy to be available to be a present, attuned, calm and gentle parent to your DCs right now.

This is what will pay dividends to you both in the short and long term. You will have calm, balanced, helpful, independent children which will make your life easier and joyous.

They should be contributing to keeping the place tidy etc. as part of the family team in age appropriate tasks - they can pop their dirty clothes in the basket from age 3 and tidy up their toys etc.

When they are older and busy with their own friends independently you will have all the time in the world to clean the skirting boards, clear the loft, alphabetise your knicker drawer - put all those tasks on the ‘later list’ - to clear your mind to find your peace and calm.

I’m currently off sick from work and when discussing them household physical and mental load my therapist asked how on earth I ever found the time to work. I laughed but she doubled down and said “I’m serious!”

Husband thinks the best idea is for him to earn more money and for me to give up work but I actually enjoy my job and it’s better for my mental health.

That sounds like real progress, OP. It’s so hard to let go when you’re used to keeping everything running, but you’re right — the world doesn’t fall apart if things aren’t perfect. Getting your partner to take on a specific task is such a good move too, it makes a big difference when the load is actually shared instead of just “helped with.”

Things that have helped me tremendously with the mental load:

• I can do things fast, I can do things well, or I can do things with my children. Pick one. I can not do all three at the same time. Grocery shopping with my kids is an experience for my kids. I take my time and I may forget half of my list. But the kids had fun. If I want it done fast or well, I need my husband to keep the kids at home.
• I do not do household work while also minding my children (starting to change now that they are 4 and 6, but before when they were small I didn't expect to be caring for my children all day and also get all the ironing done. Impossible)
• I have a life outside of being a mum. I don't ask for time away from home. I take it. I expect my husband to be able to care for the children the same way I would if I were home.
• I have stopped asking, demanding or begging for my husband to share the mental load with me 50/50. That will never happen and I've accepted it.
• What I do demand, is that if I'm carrying the vast majority or the mental load, I want to be given time. Time at home by myself with no children or husband around. I will do all the things mothers do, keep track of clothing sizes, buy al the birthday presents for their friends, sign them up for extracurriculars. But I will not do this while also rushing to and from a full time job or keeping my children fed and entertained on weekends. If I'm expected to do all those things, I am going to lessen my load on every other level. I will not be expected to also provide a full income.

That really resonates — thank you for sharing it. I love the “fast, well, or with my kids — pick one” line, it’s so true and kind of freeing to hear it put that way. I’m also trying to get better at just taking time instead of feeling like I need to earn it first. Your comment’s a good reminder that it’s okay to stop expecting perfect balance and just make space for yourself where you can.

It’s amazing how hard it is to step back at first, but once you do, you realise the world doesn’t end if things aren’t perfect. Handing over even one mental task makes such a difference.