Husband married to his hobbies not me

[SadKeiko]

Trying to work out if I am being unreasonable by considering divorcing my husband of 13 years over his excessive hobbies. I am 40 he is 44. He is very obsessed over his PS5 gaming , playing/ watching footy, music end so on. The list of his hobbies is ever expanding. Recently he created his little repair cave man where he fixes play stations etc.
He games most of the nights ( 2 hours ish after 10 pm) watches all football games he can and plays football every week. All this on top of his full time job with shifts pattern.
We have 12 years old daughter together but I constantly feel like a single mum.
He never really joins any activities together and our time as a couple is non existing, sex life terrible…you get the picture.
I caused massive scenes over the years trying to make him realise what the problem is but he just ignores me and when frustrated just tells me “I wont be telling him what to do”. Pleading, reasoning etc. never helped as he is stubborn and doesn’t seem to care. So now I am just so fed up I told him we are over. My unmet relationship needs caused me to get angry and explosive around him. He claims he loves me but no actions attached to this..
We havent spoken for weeks now …and he never came to me to talk. In the past it was always me patching things up and moving on.
He still keeps gaming as normal and wont accept any wrong doing.
He is a good dad. The problem is purely in our marriage as a couple. He wont agree to therapy.
Any opinions?

You told him it's over and he hasn't changed his gaming habits at all and isn't speaking to you.

It's over.

How is he a good dad? He doesn't seem to gave any time for anyone else.

I'm struggling to see how he is a good dad when he spends all the time he isn't working on his gaming and football and whatever. You say he never joins in any family activities and you feel like a single parent. So how is he a good dad when your dd must never see him?

Honestly OP he couldn't be telling you more plainly he isn't interested in being a husband or family man. He is just interested in himself.

What is the point in continuing this sham marriage ?

Hes a “bachelor with benefits.”
Hes selfish and inconsiderate.
Hes checked out and just wants what he wants.
Hes not a good dad. Good dads look after the mother of their children and take part in family life without overwhelming preoccupation with their own interests.

Sue for divorce. You might as well. Your official single life will be so peaceful.

I've said this on many threads but "he's a good dad" on MN is a red flag in itself.

he is NOT a good dad. He has chosen the life of a gamer teenager with a bit of footy on the side. He has no interest in you (sorry OP but that is the truth) and probably has little in his dd if it would require him to well actually do something outside of the things he wants to do. What does he do with his daughter? I'm guessing nothing and your "he's a good dad" is because he isn't actively abusive and is quite nice to her if he comes across her.

You have no idea how much better your life would be if you were on your own with your dd - chosing your own life and lifestyle instead of begging this teenager for crumbs of attention you will never get.

Give up. Throw this one back. You are young and have a life ahead of you.

Well the story is a bit more complex as he has 18 years old daughter from previous relationship and our 12 years old is not the easiest to handle at the moment.
If we ever go out anywhere once in a blue moon it is always when his eldest daughter visits our house.
We had millions of previous arguments over additional money provided to his ex and me demanding more care and attention given to his current wife a child who is ( still!) at home..
I

Well, the relationship is over isn't it. Has been for a long time.

In what way is he a good dad?

He is not a good dad.

Family life is non-existent and he shows his dd's mother (you) no consideration whatsoever. He is showing her a horrible example of what an adult relationship is like. In what possible way is that being a good dad?

You have only one option available to you, and you know what that is. No need for me to tell you.

100 % this

He.Is.Not.A.Good.Dad!!!!
Or Husband!!!

I see no sign of him being a good dad.

He doesn't care that he's making you unhappy. His gaming and football are what make him happy, and are his priority.

He is happy to live in the same house but not having to talk to you. He gets to live exactly as he wants, no interruptions, noone arguing with him, as much gaming as he likes (presumably with you doing the parenting, cooking and cleaning and washing and generally keeping the home going). He'll keep quite as long as he can, as he has the life he wants.

And if that makes you miserable, he doesn't see that as a problem.

Please leave him. You deserve better.

You are in effect a single mum with a longer on full livery!
I've been there, end it for everyone's sake! Resentment can make home life unbearable for everyone involved, including your DD.
PS, I managed to fix things, but it was a difficult long road - but we both were on board. Something that doesn't seem the case in your marriage.

So he’s an ok dad to his eldest, and it’s blindingly clear to your dd that he makes an effort to go out for his other daughter but thinks why would I make that kind of effort when it comes to your dd. I’d say he’s a terrible dad and you need to get your dd a home where she doesn’t have to get ignored by someone who’s supposed to be her dad. Maybe he’ll make an effort if she doesn’t live with him most of the time. Tell him clearly you won’t make her go to his place if he ignores her and just does his hobbies.

Your 12 yr old "isn't the easiest"?
So that's an excuse for him not to parent her, is it?
I've no idea why you're putting up with this. It's not a marriage and it's clearly not helping your daughter.

He’s a shit husband and a shit father.
tell him you will be divorcing and get on with it. You’ll be a lot happier and so will your daughter!

Divorce him, OP and enjoy a less stressful life without him.
Does he do any household chores ?
Cooking?
Laundry?
Shopping ?
General life admin ?

Can you outline in what ways he’s a “ good dad”? if he plays no part in family life ?

He’s in this marriage of convenience for himself only.

I think both yoi and your daughter are just at the right age to leave the husband/dad and start afresh. I have a feeling your daughter will be easier for you when there’s less tension in the house.

It’s a hard life-changing decision and I wish you good luck because you do deserve better and life is indeed short.

He needs to become your ex husband. Better to be in your own than to be so badly accompanied.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You have done exactly this. And you know he is neither a good dad nor husband to you.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. This is not the relationship model she should be seeing.

We own our house together and after selling I have no chance to get my own property and that is the major factor why I havent just left. My daughter needs to have a roof over her head so I appreciate all the ” dump him now” advice but it is easier said than done.
I do consider having an affair for the first time in my life to just feel nice at least in short term.
As to him being a dad…well he does homework with our daughter, drops her off /picks her up from activities so I suppose it is not all that bad! It’s him treating me like s..t/ second best is the major issue here.
Thank you for all your responses … and private messages. Glad I am not the only one in a terrible scenario like this.

Homework support and drop offs are really minimal.
It's your choice to continue living with him, but I suspect even a small flat together would be far better for you and your daughter's wellbeing and mental health.

I suggest in the short term you stop doing a damn thing for him and when he asks why, tell him he won't be telling you what to do either. 😡

Do you want your daughter growing up and having a similar relationship where she is not considered at all. Seeing what you put up with is her example of marriage. Don't let her think the way you are being treated is normal.

He is a good dad

No, he isn't.
Why do so many people with shit husbands trot this out every time?
He is not a good dad if he is not working as a team with his child's mother. He's not a good dad if he's checked out of family life.
If he treats his child's mother like shit, he is a shit dad even if he does homework with his daughter and drops her off at activities (that's not exactly a lot is it?).

What sort of atmosphere is that in the house when he's ignoring you? That's not good for your daughter.

You should leave him. And while I understand that's not easy, the alternative is you stay there living with him treating you like shit, doing fuck all for his daughter and your daughter has to live in this unhealthy atmosphere getting an unhealthy picture of what a relationship should look like.

You should start collecting information on what a divorce would look like and consider the finances, bearing in mind he will have to play CS. Work out how much the house is worth, how much you'd get in the event of a divorce. Talk to a solicitor about what the split could look like regarding finances.

See my fella is a gamer, he plays most nights after the kids are asleep. He also plays kids games with them, he’s done bluey, Barbie, paw patrol.
He is also into the F1 and he usually makes me a tea or coffee before he sits down to watch it! (Yawn!).
But I’m not feeling the same as you. He is still attentive, we have a lot of intimacy etc. So it’s not the hobbies it’s him. So you maybe better on your own? Do you have hobbies you enjoy? Maybe you are needing to put yourself first. I’m thinking you never think about yourself.

He can be a good dad at his house. He can be a gamer and fixer to all at his own house.