Need to help to sort myself out, feel so down

[ItsveryhardDaisy]

I've been in a 'relationship' for 6 years. It's weekends only plus holiday time away. He'll never move in, was the same with previous relationship. Lived with ex wife and that ended 20 years ago, never lived with ex girlfriend. I think their relationship ended because he wouldn't 'completely commit' and live with her so I know there will be no difference for me.

It probably sounds odd to some but to me, a relationship starts with seeing each other and then increasing time and eventually a commitment to me means moving in together or marriage. Neither of us want marriage again. I cope with the weekends only but it feels not like a full commitment to me.

Anyway, in 6 years I barely know his adult children. I have met them but on special times Christmas, Birthdays etc he goes to see them at ex wife's house, the previous family home. I'm not invited by her. She wasn't nice towards his ex girlfriend and is just about civil to me. She is possibly single but I'm not entirely sure, but potentially in relationship with another woman.

I know it's either suck up what's on offer or look elsewhere since it's not what I'm looking for and never was. However, I'm really struggling with how to break away and not then restart relationship with him. I don't have many friends, not many hobbies, suffering from depression and general 'down'. I do I do this? Should I do this. I just know I don't feel loved or important enough and never will with him.

I've just read what I've written back to me and he sounds a wet lettuce. Can't just see his adult children without her being around, it sounds pretty pathetic really. Or they are a strong close family and he did say his 'boys' in their late and mid twenties prefer to see them together when it's special occasions and he does what they want. Oh my, he really doesn't rate me at all. I've tried explaining but he doesn't see any issue.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. This sort of crap was not envisaged was it.

End this sham of a relationship and rebuild your life. Why on earth have you tolerated all these years of being seen only on weekends and time away for holidays ?. Is this all you think or have thought you deserve?.

Why are your boundaries so poor?.

I had a very poor relationship with my mother, nowadays it would be abusive, she couldn't cope with children and was physically and emotionally abusive to me. My dad was lovely but worked long hours to pay the bills, we were working poor. Might be why my boundaries are poor. Although to some that type of relationship with weekends would be great. I'm not sure whether it's truly what I want or what I think I want? I'm so mixed up.

Now she is old and has dementia and I help care for her. She is completely different now, not angry, just very forgetful so I've moved on from blaming her but my childhood has left me feeling unloved, unworthy and probably very needy and needing love.

You are really under no obligation to care for her. She was abusive towards you as a child and social services can take care of her. You owe her nothing least of all a relationship here and you need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Have you ever had therapy re your childhood?. Was your dad aware that his wife abused you?.

What happened to you here was not your fault; it’s solely the fault of the perpetrators.

I would consider contacting NAPAC as they are very helpful to adult survivors of childhood abuse.

OP, the issue isnt his ex, or his children but him, that he has perhaps deep rooted issues with commitment of any sort. Maybe not even able to comitt to a mobile phone provider etc. who knows.

This is also not isolated to you, I feel there are so many people in this scenario today.

What you said about the progress of relationships isnt wrong at all. Its normal to want to spend more time with the person you are falling in love with, and then progress into living together, being together and taking joint decisions on how you spend xmass and other big moments. Its normal. So no you are not wrong there.

Maybe you need to pull yourself aside and truly ask yourself if this is what YOU want, not what he needs, but what YOU need.

Are you thinking of ending the relationship?

OP I feel for you as I was in exactly this situation. Except he future faked and said he’d commit to joining our lives together then did nothing about it.
I left after a couple of years (having known him for much longer) as the progress wasn’t being made towards commitment. If anything we were seeing each other less when I raised the issues I had and his behaviour towards me declined significantly. He was clearly avoidant and unable to trust or commit at all. It was basically dating and nothing more. Like you I wasn’t part of his life although I did know his DD well and had a good relationship with her. The rest of his life was compartmentalised and didn’t involve me.
These men won’t change. They’re not that into you (or me) and the only option for me was to leave, so I did. Life is happy and peaceful now and I won’t ever get myself into a dynamic where my supposed partner is not matching words with actions.
I hope you can realise you deserve much better than this and take decisions that work for you.

Thank you for your response.

Yes, he says things but nothing changes and years pass by. I should have realised that when his previous relationship was the same.

Thank you.

Yes, I know I must end the relationship. The trouble is, I've ended it before and then go back to the same thing. I don't think he has the capacity to care for me in a more fulfilling way for me, he prefers this way of having a relationship. He does compartmentalise everything. I'm in the 'girlfriend' weekend and holiday box. I have tried talking to him but he doesn't really say much at all, just that we see each other a lot and it works better this way.

I don't mind overseeing her care. Yes, she hit me and emotionally abused me but I've let go of that and moved on. She's not the abusive person she once was. It was when children could be hit so it might have been a common thing in households. She would usually slap me or hit with a hairbrush or wooden spoon for various misdemeanours. That wasn't so bad. The emotional stuff was worse, regretted having me, hated me, spoilt her life having children, etc.

No it was not a common thing in households to be hit in whatever generation you were born in. It was your norm sadly and no one bothered to protect you from her.

It matters not that she is old now.

She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to abuse you. She was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. She’s never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. She blamed you for her inherent ills and perhaps was treated the same by her own mother. There is no justification for her abuses of you.

She treated you dreadfully and words also sting.

Your boundaries are very poor indeed and therapy for you re your childhood would be very beneficial. It’s played a part in how and why you are where you are now.

And for your own sake do not settle for being this man’s weekend gf any longer!.

It’s sad that you are currently settling for so very little from a man who is really not worthy of even tying your shoes.

I hope you get the strength to finish it once and for all. He is self-centred and he is wasting your time.

I’m not surprised you’re depressed, you are living with constant rejection from him.

He doesn’t deserve you 💐