Advice please - anxious and grumpy DH

[LittleCottageLight]

Really hoping for some advice please.

DH and I have 2 young DC plus I have teens from a previous marriage.

Probably since I was pregnant with DS two years ago things have become increasingly harder with DH. He’s 43 and isn’t often the happy, kind man that he used to be.

There seems to be four main issues:

He’s always stressed about work. And very negative about it. We work in the same organisation but with different roles. Apparently I can’t understand what it’s like for him as I work in a different area. However, he has always been stressed regardless of what role his has, I think he will always be someone who worries about work and constantly talks about it.

He struggles with my 11DD. They argue a lot and he complains about her. It used to be my DS13 but that’s passed now. She has ADHD and his tolerance of her forgetfulness is very low. I get it must be hard living with step children but he can be downright rude whilst still demanding that she respect him. To be fair, he has improved recently with my other children and interacts with them more but he used to love all their company.

He snores. He is overweight, occasionally tries to lose weight but has given up drinking. He has been to the GP once and they told him to lose weight. We’ve tried ear plugs, mouth guards, nose strips, etc but to no avail. We’re currently sleeping separately as after four years of broken sleep from him and the babies I can’t cope anymore. The sleep deprivation is insane. He’s said that he will sleep on the sofa bed for now but that he didn’t get married to always sleep in separate rooms. When I ask him about this he’ll say he doesn’t want to break up but it is his line in the sand.

He’s now anxious about our relationship. He talks about it whenever we’re not talking about work, even if I try not to engage or move the conversation on. He asks me every day “Are we okay? Are you happy?” but won’t accept my answers. To the point that I am completely emotionally overwhelmed by him and feel my heart sink whenever it starts up. I don’t know how to reassure him anymore. Tbh, I don’t know if I care enough to - with 5 children and working FT and very little sleep I’m stretched thin. Our sex life is getting worse - the more anxious he is the less confident he gets, and any shred of libido I have left disappears pretty quickly.

I constantly daydream about leaving. But I do love him, this just isn’t the relationship I was expecting when I brought him into our lives. I don’t want to have two failed marriages and I don’t want to lose time with my children, I share custody of the older ones and I don’t want to do it with my babies.

I genuinely feel stuck and frustrated. But then I also think I am being unreasonable as he does try to improve, it just seems like a cycle of behaviour.

Sorry for the essay but any advice gratefully received.

Sorry u don’t have much advice OP, but I just wanted to sympathise and say that sounds extremely hard.

I grew up with a miserable father and miserable men really trigger me now. My fear is DH getting older and turning into one tbh.

On point 4 I would say he’s probably picking up on your true feelings about wanting to leave, despite you feeling like you’re reassuring him.

would he be open to counselling alone and as a couple? Would you?

Counselling would be good for you both individually and together if he would consider it but you should think of the impact on your daughter being around this grumpy man who doesn't seem kind to her always. He's not being fair really.

He sounds like a miserable old sod. Tell him if he doesn’t sort it out, however that is youll leave.

It sounds miserable for both of you. Counselling sounds good.

But also, what were you expecting? This sounds like such a badly thought out plan. Three teenagers in a house is difficult. Three stepchildren is difficult Two young children is difficult. All of these situations are things that couples find hard and you decided to do them all at once. He is now tired and grumpy and you want to leave him. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do feel like you saying, ‘wah, this isn’t what I wanted’ is a bit childish.

Sorry I know that isn’t what you want to hear. I am quite sure others will be along to tell you it is all his fault and you should leave him but personally I feel like it’s a bit much. You married him, you have small children, you might need to just weather the next few years until at least a few of the teenagers have grown up and left home.

On a practical level, he quite possibly has obstructive sleep apnoea and should go back to his GP and ask for a sleep test. If he got a CPAP machine and started sleeping better, he might handle it all more easily.

@Bobbie12345678 no I appreciate your comments, you’re not wrong and I am disappointed that the reality of it all doesn’t match up to my expectations. Thank you all, I shall ask him to consider counselling and we can go from there

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this - teenagers, toddler and a grumpy husband don't make for an easy life!

Definitely second the counselling option, but also wondering if you've had a chance to sit down with him, with no other distractions, and ask him gently (from a place of kindness rather than frustration) what is going on for him and is there anything you can both do that will make things easier? If not, that might be worth a go in the first instance.

Wishing you all the best.

Did I write this? I must have forgotten! Honestly I have one just like this, even the overweight aspect. The relationship he has with my two older children has gotten worse. I would get out of this relationship if you can - sorry.

Seconding the poster above who suggested he be tested for sleep apnea. If he has it, his sleep is interrupted numerous times a night and he needs to know if he has this and get a CPAP machine.

I think he might also need a mental health assessment for depression and anxiety. He really needs lifestyle modifications with regards to diet and stress management.

You're going to have to set boundaries with how he treats your daughter. It sounds like he switches scapegoating your kids around and that's horrible for them. This would be my hill to die on. Having a stepparent that someone doesn't get along with is awful and it deprives your daughter of what should be her safe space, home.

It sounds like you might benefit from marital counseling where you can communicate freely. He might benefit from individual therapy because he's dumping all this negativity and anxiety about his job and your relationship and family issues with step parenting and you are not his therapist. He can't just dump all this on you constantly.

This sort of energy from a man is parasitic, he is literally syphoning off your energy. He has the power to change his job, deal with his stress, instead he is using your emotional energy to indulge his woe is me attitude. Refuse to discuss this ever again, literally walk out of the room whenever he brings it up. The same goes for him asking you silly questions about if you’re ok. It’s very controlling really to subject someone to these conversations. It’s also controlling to insist someone shares his bed while refusing to do anything about his issues.