New relationship after mastectomy

[CircleInASquare]

Not sure where to post this but I've chosen here.

I had a mastectomy years ago - a double one because of cancer in one and preventatively for the other. I have had a reconstruction using tissue from my stomach area. The scars are ok now but I'm a bit conscious of them anyway.

I split from my husband two years ago (when I was 50) and I feel ready to date now. The thing is I am really anxious about the scars and the whole body image thing since that surgery will affect things if I find someone for a relationship.

Has anyone else been through this and how did you handle it?

Not me but a close friend. I do think she found it difficult and she said her confidence took a real knock. Her way of dealing with it was to be very selective with who she dated and to be upfront from the start as she reckoned that any man that baulked was not worth it. Ultimately, she decided she was happier on her own but this was because she found most men in the post divorce bracket undesirable and couldn't be bothered not because of the mastectomy.

I suppose having the lights off when it is time to be intimate works. Usually some scars heal over time, and get smaller. Keep in check with your doctor with your concerns, i am sure the doc will guide you well.

My mum had a mastectomy and-construction and she lost her hair several times with chemotherapy. My Dad never fancied her any less because if the scars. I'm absolutely certain scars wouldn't bother my husband either.
Hope she finds somebody who loves her for her.

DP has a massive great scar down her chest from open heart surgery before she met me. She hates it, always has. She thinks it's ugly, and it reminds her of a part of her life that wasn't particularly enjoyable.

I don't hate it. Its just a part of her, and like every other little unique part of her - the birth mark on the back of her leg that looks like a map of an island, the weird little dent on her back she didn't even know she had, the 10p coin sized patch of skin on her leg that doesn't grow hair even when she hasn't shaved - I can't imagine her without it. I can remember the excitement of exploring each others bodies in the first few months we were together, and discovering each of these little things that make a person an individual.

And while I know she hates the scar for what it represents for her, I'm very well disposed to it. If the scar didn't exist, she wouldn't exist. Were it not for that scar, I'd never have met her, DD wouldn't exist, we wouldn't have spent the last 20 years together. Without that scar, my life would look incredibly different.

I'm not going to say that noone is going to be put off by your scars @CircleInASquare. People get put off by all kinds of physical stuff. The right person won't be though.

I had sarcoma on my hand. The tumour and wide excision was too big to heal on its own so they did a skin graft from my nether regions, and that left some scar tissue. They said they were taking from the stomach but after they knocked me out, it was deemed not viable so looked for a sample elsewhere. I woke up to a sympathetic female oncologist who told me to take my time looking at what they did. I was pretty high on post-op drugs at the time so never gave it much thought until I went to the toilet after they took the catheter out and it was ouch, ouch and more ouch. But eventually I did look and it wasn't very good. Certainly would interfere with sex but I wasn't sure how much. Single at the time but I hooked up with an ex-boyfriend who was supposed to be gentle and sympathetic. He hoped we would get back together. Then he saw it, and made such a disgraceful show of himself and refused to go ahead. He said it looked horrible and he didn't want to put any of his bits near my bits as it might be contagious (like scar tissue can be caught!). It reminded me of why I dumped him in the first place, but I think it has put an irreversible zip and padlock on my love life after that. Never again am I am going to put myself in that position. In a reverse I would never do this to a cancer patient. I walked away and concluded it was a man problem, not a surgery problem. I sincerely hope you get a better experience, and I would say take your time to find someone you actually trust. Anyone worthy of your time and body will behave accordingly.

@SandStormNorm wow what a total wank stain than man was to you. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Lights off , Really ??? , that’s the advice you give 🙄..
Won’t need to have the lights turned off with the right person ..

I am currently flat but planning DIEP. Sadly I think I will be separating from my partner and in the same boat as you. I know how you feel, I absolutely hate the way I look.

My recent ex ( same sex relationship) had similar to you after breast cancer. She felt similarly. It’s part of you. It made me love her more truth be told. The right person will not see scars as flaws. I realise men are different but even so. My grandmother had a double mastectomy in her early 40s, lived to 94 , would probably not have made 50 if she had not had the op, and my grandfather always said she was the most beautiful woman on the planet. The right person will see all of you x

I had a lumpectomy rather than mastectomy but there are still scars. Started dating again post-divorce at 49 and it was tricky at first but the right man won’t care and it’s actually not a bad way to weed out the ones who will probably be tossers anyway.

Just wanted to say Good morning pp , I’m sorry to hear things are shit at the moment . Things will be good again though in time .. Hang in there. x

I think I would tell them very early on as in first date , that way you haven't got invested in the wrong ( shallow ) man and wasted your time .

As a guy, if this was me on a date with you... Being as comfortable as you can me with it would be ideal. Not saying early on you need to go into chapter and verse about emotions and stuff but clearly explain what happened and maybe touch on how you feel. If you think it's a big deal say so, that you feel men may not be as interested. Just be open.

if I was told that it would make no difference to me at all. I fancy people because of who they are (personality and overall appearance) rather than boob size or very shallow things. If I liked you, then it would not bother me.

Yes, I would feel a bit more awkward if things got intimate just because I have never dated someone in that situation. But thats where it rests on me to talk with you about how you feel, do you like to be touched there, if so how etc... probably a bit more clinical than I would normally go into but just so we both know boundaries.

This is a personal thing but I like to get 'awkward situations' out the way. So without rushing and being uncomfortable it may even be just prior to intimate for first time to show everything, again, slightly more of a clinical thing. Explain what's happened.

It's like anything, once you have seen something you dont need to be as conscious about it after (ideally). Nowhere near the same obviously but as a guy stripping off for first time is awkward, has she had bigger, how do I compare etc... but after a few dates you then parade around without a care.

I've had a double mastectomy and it ended my marriage.
I have a new partner and he doesn't care about the scars or that my foobs aren't real boobs, he just loves me for me.
I at first tried to hide my chest because of how my stbexh made me feel about them but now I wear sexy underwear and show them off. He has given me back my confidence in my body.
If a man doesn't like them, then his not worth your time because you are a Queen,a strong cancer arse kicking Queen 👸👑👑👑

🙌 ❤️