How to address severe jealousy

[Jealousyhelp]

What is the best type of therapy for severe jealousy? I want to book private sessions but no idea what I’m looking for ? Counselling? Couples counselling ? CBT? Or psychologist? Or does it need to be individually as well as couples therapy?

Are you the one feeling jealous, or is your partner?

I have a jealousy problem , I just need to get help and suppprt for it luckily dh is totally understanding and supportive but professional input is needed I just don’t know what type we are going private as don’t want to tell the gp

NOT couples counselling. Your jealousy is NOT his issue and he does not need to adjust his behaviours to meet you half way (assuming he is a normal person and you have no reason to be jealous).

I would look for a CBT. The can help you explore the root causes of your jealousy as well as practical hints and tips to manage it.

I just thought it might be better to do individual and couples to make
sure everything is covered ?

Would you both undergo chemo if only one of you had cancer?

Assuming you didn’t forgive a past cheating episode or your DP isn’t actively doing something to cause the jealousy, I agree this isn’t a couples problem. Intense jealousy in a romantic relationship is often part of deeper childhood traumas - eg there’s probably a wider pattern of you not being happy with yourself / anxiety / feelings of not being good enough / imposter syndrome / being raised by narc parents etc. CBT absolutely does work for the root causes of it.

Wherever you end up going, the most important thing is to make sure they have the right kind of qualifications.
A licenced clinical psychologist with extensive psychotherapeutic training.

The kind of therapy you want, that depends on your own style and needs. You could get CBT if you're mainly focussed on behavioural changes, but not so much understanding the why and figuring out what has turned you into a jealous person.
Maybe systemic therapy to understand why certain situations trigger your jealousy and how the jealousy actually helps you stay afloat in stressful situations
Contextual therapy if you suspect that your childhood and the relationship with your parents has anything to do with it.
Psychoanalysis if you like to spend a lot of time exploring your own thoughts and getting to know your subconscious streams of thoughts.
Client centered therapy if you need to understand who you are as a whole and figure out how you've developed this side of yourself
Or if you want all of the above, try Integrative therapy. They do a little bit of everything.

At this point I would strongly advise against couples counselling for the jealousy. Why? Because your jealousy is a you problem and your partner is not supposed to be on the hook for helping you manage it. They're not the one who has to put in the work. You do. Extreme jealousy often leads to abusive and controlling behaviour. The victim of this behaviour needs to be protected, not being tasked with carrying the burden - as they probably have done many times before.
Even further, I would actually advise individual therapy for your partner too, to help them set healthy boundaries and uncover why they are okay with the jealousy in the first place.

Only once you've done the work and are taking full accountability and they have strengthened their sense of self worth and are setting more boundaries, only then could you consider couples counselling.

And that's my two cents as a licenced clinical therapist and couples therapist.

I assumed that it would be better for us to see a therapist individually so that dh has a safe space to talk with someone who knows the context as will know me and then couples therapy just to make sure everything is fine across the relationship as a safety net ?

Yes it’s from early childhood a mother who deliberately trashed my self confidence then used others to incite jealousy in me. Then I was badly bullied all through school and it has caused lasting issues that I need to deal with . It’s just resurfaced recently and I want to deal with it asap

Thanks so much this is so helpful. I had thought just all types individually and together but I see what you are saying and individual is probably better

Individual therapy only, and only if HE wants to have therapy should he go.

This is a you problem, you need to take accountability for that and do the work on yourself, by yourself.

He said he wants to do whatever helps

I sympathise as I grew up similarly and all of my past traumas and insecurities seem to resurface whenever I have an excellent milestone moment. Eg baby, new job etc. might be a good idea to understand what the trigger was / is.

I think as a starting point, you need to address your jealousy issues with therapy for YOU alone.

It’s not a problem for your DP to fix.

Assuming any relationship issues are caused by your jealousy, there is no reason to involved your DP.
As pp said, your DP may want to get therapy for themselves to address why they are ok staying with someone with jealousy issues.

I get that it’s hard for you but it must be pretty draining for DP.
Couples therapy not really appropriate.

And that’s kind of him, but this is a you problem, you really need to be taking accountability for that, telling him that, and sorting this out for yourself.

This is not his responsibility, he did not cause it, he can’t cure it. This is your burden to carry alone.

I asked him why I said if he was struggling and unhappy he could leave if he wanted and I would understand he said he doesn’t want to and sees this as just a temporary blip and as I’ve known him a very long time he knows the issues from the past and wants to help to overcome this episode of jealousy. He said if i was suddenly very sad all the time or developed a sudden phobia of something he wouldn’t leave me he would try to work out what was wrong and help and that this is no different

How does this jealousy manifest itself? Have you suddenly become paranoid that your DH is cheating, or is it more like being jealous of things other people have, their achievements etc?

i was married for 23 years to someone who was extremely jealous. I can only tell you that in all those years we never found a solution. It reached a point where I couldn’t go to the shops alone or he would be in a foul mood and stop speaking to me for days/weeks.

it was total misery, I would never put myself through it again.

But it won't help. It will muddy the waters. Take responsibility for your own emotional self-regulation. Solve your own issues in therapy. If, once you have resolved whatever is driving your jealousy, there are actual problems in your relationship, then talk about couples counselling, as an entirely separate thing.

Wanting to know what is wrong and to help is NOT the same as him attendnig therapy or couples therapy.

Supporting you is being supportive of you looking for counselling, and the time (and cost) that might incur.

Supporting you is being understanding if you have a relapse and need to reset.

Supporting you is being clear and direct in his plans, but NOT changing his plans or justifying himself.

Supporting you is not leaving when you act in abusive ways because of irrational jealousy.

I think it' sgood you want counselling. But I would suggest you could start by telling people on this thread what has happened as it sounds like it's suddenly reared its end out of nowhere?

Firstly, well done you for taking to yiur DH about it seeking help. When I needed therapy I didn’t necessarily know what type I needed. I just approached a company and after having an initial assessment they recommended the best fit. Do you have an organisation in mind? Or one locally that offers a range of support? They may be best placed to advise you.

I think you have been given great advice here and I wanted to applaud you for recognising that you have a problem and that you need help! Jealousy is so destructive and can result in the non-jealous partner feeling controlled and emotionally abused.

It has just come from nowhere. I started having nightmares a few months ago about my mother and situations that happened to me then nightmares about things that hadn’t happened but might eg her taunting me or telling me in the same way as when I was a child that I was ugly etc and I don’t even know what triggered it to start ? I then just had them all the time and became exhausted (avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares) and it’s gone from there. She would incite jealousy in me as a child and despite being NC for years something has started it up again in my mind and she’s inciting jealousy without me even having anything to do with her ?

@Jealousyhelp If you feel like giving a self-help book ago, perhaps in addition to therapy, I can recommend "Overcoming Jealousy" by Dr Windy Dryden. It's short and practical. I've just checked and it's still in print, and you can get it for a few pounds secondhand.

I would consier this quite an acute mental health onset. I think you sjould speak to your Gp, but even if you are just going private, go online right now and look for counsellors who specialise in CBT, are registered as per an earler PP's post, and who have experiene dealing iwht childhood trauma. Set up an intro appointment with two or three - usually they do 20 minutes to see if you connect with each other.

Then book and start your therapy asap.