Daughter is pulling back, could do with a hand hold please

Newname10101 · 2025-11-04T09:08:19+00:00

DD is late teen. I’m not going to go into too much detail as this is obviously outing. A year ago she reduced contact with me. She very much sided with her father over the divorce settlement outcome, which was a conversation she should never have been part of. I have always protected her from the coercive control of her father, that has backfired massively. Over the last few weeks she has pulled back more. Obviously that is her decision. No explanation why. We had such a lovely Mum and daughter relationship previously, I miss that so much. I know this is hard for her too, obviously children don’t take these decisions lightly.

Endofyear · 04/11/2025 12:05

I'm so sorry OP, that must be horribly difficult for you 😔 try and keep the faith and let her know that you are always there for her know matter what and that you love her. She must be really struggling and it's not fair of her father to involve her. Try and have hope that over time, she will mature and understand things more clearly. Sending you hugs 💐

NewcastleNancy · 04/11/2025 14:48

Just hang on in there and wait it out. She will come back to you. You are her mum. My DD did something similar and even went to live with her dad, inc spending every Christmas with him. I did instigate the divorce and he was all little boy lost.

Someone on here said this is also part of girls growing up and becoming independent from their mothers which was also true. My ex let her do all sorts I would not have agreed too but she was old enough to decide.

But fast forward to now and we have a lovely relationship. She missed me and so yours will to.

Sending hugs OP. It's a tough gig and no mistake. Particularly as the world is a bit judgey about daughters siding with dads.

Morningsleepin · 04/11/2025 14:54

Easier said than done but I would put my heart and soul into living my best life. You managed to successfully navigate your child through all the perils of childhood and adolescence, so mission accomplished.

AlohaRose · 04/11/2025 15:43

Who does she live with? How much time is she spending with each parent currently?

Original poster

Newname10101 · 04/11/2025 18:41

Thank you @Endofyear and @NewcastleNancy. I know that’s all I can do.

@Morningsleepin I am doing. She is very stubborn and firmly in her father’s camp.

@AlohaRose, she lives with her father full time. Prior to this she divided her time equally between me and him.

OP posts:

Teacaketravesty · 04/11/2025 18:51

Is there anyone she sees who likes you? Aunts/gran/friends of the family? I’d talk to anyone like that about what you think is going on, not asking for intercession, but to make anyone neutral/pro you aware so that if the topic comes up they’re primed to put your side across. And apart from that, wait, I guess. Her dad may start controlling her, or may move a girlfriend in that she doesn’t like. Throw yourself into your life, date, go for a new job, take up a creative art. At first you’ll be distracting yourself but then it will become your improved life.

Sashya · 04/11/2025 19:10

@Newname10101
I am dealing with something similar. During and after the divorce I tried to shield mine from the discussions/arguments over finances, etc. with their dad.

He is really difficult, petty and often ridiculous in his demands, and behaviour.
However, over the past few years he somehow managed to slowly ingrain this "poor hard working Daddy" and "unreasonable, lazy and difficult mother" into their heads.

The elder is now at Uni and I don't know how our relationship will be in the next few years. Maybe she needs to grow up and hopefully eventually see things in a less one-sided way.

But for now - it hurts like hell to go from a mother who has spend so much time and energy to raise her, to a mother she really does not seem to like much. I am sure it's all part of her needing to separate and be her own person. But - it is so hard - and being in peri does not help...

Original poster

Newname10101 · 04/11/2025 19:46

Teacaketravesty · 04/11/2025 18:51

Is there anyone she sees who likes you? Aunts/gran/friends of the family? I’d talk to anyone like that about what you think is going on, not asking for intercession, but to make anyone neutral/pro you aware so that if the topic comes up they’re primed to put your side across. And apart from that, wait, I guess. Her dad may start controlling her, or may move a girlfriend in that she doesn’t like. Throw yourself into your life, date, go for a new job, take up a creative art. At first you’ll be distracting yourself but then it will become your improved life.

No, not on his side. She has cut herself off from my family pretty much.
I am living my life, and do ok much of the time. It’s just this recent further pulling away that has upset me again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newname10101 · 04/11/2025 19:47

Sashya · 04/11/2025 19:10

@Newname10101
I am dealing with something similar. During and after the divorce I tried to shield mine from the discussions/arguments over finances, etc. with their dad.

He is really difficult, petty and often ridiculous in his demands, and behaviour.
However, over the past few years he somehow managed to slowly ingrain this "poor hard working Daddy" and "unreasonable, lazy and difficult mother" into their heads.

The elder is now at Uni and I don't know how our relationship will be in the next few years. Maybe she needs to grow up and hopefully eventually see things in a less one-sided way.

But for now - it hurts like hell to go from a mother who has spend so much time and energy to raise her, to a mother she really does not seem to like much. I am sure it's all part of her needing to separate and be her own person. But - it is so hard - and being in peri does not help...

I’m sorry you are going through this too. It’s so hard isn’t it 💐

OP posts:

Pryceosh1987 · 05/11/2025 01:46

Stay in contact and build on your support and the results will come in time.

FullOfMomsense · 05/11/2025 01:49

Leave the door open and don't force anything. And don't take the advice that's usually handed out- don't speak to someone in common and ask them speak sense to her. If she's made her mind up that's all that can be done. Being pushy or trying to show your innocence will just reaffirm her thoughts.

It might pass, or it might not. As long as she is happy then you have to leave her to it