Did anyone else have a parent like this

[DrowningInIt]

I’m trying to understand my mum’s behaviour. She was violent, extremely controlling, and emotionally unstable while I was growing up. Between ages 0–10 she had at least 12 boyfriends (the names of the ones I remember, there were more), and between 10–16 it became less frequent there were still about 4 more men. The relationships were very faced paced and intense, and she spoke of wanting to marry them all or move in with them. She would claim that every man she was with was abusive, while she was actually the one abusing them and cheating on them.

She wouldn’t let me have friends and would actually stage things so that I’d fall out with people, either making the other person hate me or making me hate them. She was extremely skilled at it. She also told elaborate lies and would pretend to be poor while secretly hiding money away. She got me diagnosed with a number of conditions that I don’t have that relied on symptoms that she reported (symptoms she lied about, exaggerated or caused)
She’d beat me, then deny ever laying a finger on me. She would then tell me that she hasn’t beaten me and she can “show me what it means to be beaten” what I am saying so that she can “prove” she hasn’t beaten me, and she would say that with other examples as well, and I knew to take that as a threat that she could do worse.

She never takes accountability, blames others for everything, uses men for money, and lies easily.

I know this sounds extreme, and I don’t know anyone else who’s had a parent like this. We are now no contact. I suspect she may have had a personality disorder, but I’m not a professional and just want to hear from others. Did anyone else grow up with a parent like this? What did they turn out to be diagnosed with, if anything? And how did you make sense of it all?

Does it really matter what she is diagnosed with. She is batshit crazy basically

I’m really sorry OP that you went through this. I too had an abusive mother. She would beat me and my sister with belts, pans and kitchen spoons. We weren’t allowed friends to come to the house or to go see friends or go outdoors outside of school. We weren’t allowed much food to eat either. Unlike your mother she didn’t have many boyfriends but the long term boyfriend she did have was scary and intimidating. I wasn’t allowed much out of my room and if I did enter a room they were in I was stared at with cold threatened looks of violence until I left and went back upstairs. It was a joyless and loveless childhood. I don’t find it hard to break the cycle of abuse - I now have a DS of my own and shower him in love, attention and adventures outside the home as much as I can do! I would never physically hurt him and we talk openly about all sorts of things often. My mother is now a loving grandmother to him and shows a complete denial of the way I was brought up. She’s not diagnosed with anything. On my part it took me a very long time to allow her unsupervised access to DS because I don’t trust her, and now we are low contact now. My father was in and out of prison my whole life and is basically a profound narcissist so I have no contact with him at all. I don’t think their generation sought diagnoses as such….

I remember waving one of her boyfriends off and another arriving thinking I was waving to him. I walked in on her having drug filled sex with another. Had to hear that a lot too. Had a glass thrown at my head, frequently told that she wished I would die. Stupidly collected drugs for her from a dealer because I just wanted her to like me. I tried for years to have any kind of relationship with her she was my mum and I was so desperate for her love, approval and affection. She’s never been diagnosed with anything. Simply she’s an awful person.

After entering into a relationship with a man so similar to her and then ending that, I got therapy for both, I read the books “mother hunger” and “women who love too much”. I don’t really give my mother much thought now, in a strange way I’m at peace and thankful for some of the experiences that I’ve vowed never to repeat, also proud of how hard I worked not to follow the example I was given.

You won’t ever fix her or change anything that’s happened, you have to focus on yourself, your own future and what you want. Take only the parts that make you better.

Yes.

She got pleasure from my misery.

Going NC was so liberating. My advice is stay strictly NC and never go back. 💐

Sounds like my mother’s spiritual twin. I went into care at ten, I’m now 35 not had contact for 15 years, although last time she had my address she sent me a mars bar in the post with a note saying I hope you choke on it 😄😅 I suspect she has all sorts going on mentally. She did have severe postnatal psychosis with me and a later pregnancy and was hospitalised on both occasions- could well be linked but apparently she’s always been an awful person, and was a bully in school from a young age apparently. Hopefully I’ll never have to see her again.

I understand though, this type of parent is thankfully rare I don’t think I’ve met anyone with one like her.

It does sound like your mother has some sort of personality disorder. Well done for going no contact - hopefully this will lead to a more peaceful life for you. Have you considered counselling for yourself to make sense of it all?

I took an overdose at 14 I wanted my mum to love me I'm now 38 and she still doesn't love me

Maybe a personality disorder, maybe she's just a nasty piece of work. Either way, it's a good thing that you're NC with her.
I was at school with a girl who told us that her mother was physically and psychologically violent, and, to my shame, I couldn't really believe it at the time (having no experience of such a mother myself). Now I wish I'd paid more attention. I sometimes wonder how things turned out for her.

When my family are abusive i meet up with them less, but stay in contact by text and call on the phone.