My (28F) boyfriend (30M) have been together for 7 years, and we have changed in many ways since the beginning. Recently, I've been feeling unsure of many things. This may be long, but it's been building inside me for some time and there doesn't really feel like there's anyone I know that I can or want to discuss this with - partially because I know some of it might sound bad to someone who knows or cares for me personally. Maybe this will resonate more with people who have partners of a similar disposition.
I can't really describe my boyfriend as anything but 'intense'. He feels emotions strongly and is un-shy about his feelings. He has ADHD, but does not identify with it much. He is lightly medicated. Overall, I will say that he is very self aware. He is spiritual in a non-religious sense, and has a very interesting take on life that I often share. He has done many psychedelics and gained a lot of insight from them. Sometimes his self esteem is very low, and sometimes it is elevated. I think this influences many of the ways in which he interacts with the world and I. He had expressed that he is aware of his intensity and, sometimes, difficulty and has always expressed love and gratitude for my part in the relationship. I love him very much and do not think I could find another person like him.
And yet, I feel a building resentment. More and more recently I resent the way he talks to me. He is prone to stress, and snapping. His tone is often more... unkind than it needs to be. In my mind, I have felt the last few years to be difficult for us but discussion reveals he doesn't feel the same. We've fought, but he doesn't see them as fights. Often it feels like every other sentence out of my mouth makes him annoyed or irritated based on his tone and reaction. There are some anger issues, something carried over from childhood. His dad was kind of crazy and had insane anger issues. This too he is aware of. Explosions of anger or annoyance have made me feel as though I am walking on eggshells, but he is insistent there is no reason for me to do this and that I just don't express myself clearly. Well, I don't express myself clearly because I am worried that what I have to say will set him off. But when I express this sentiment, he is upset with my implication that he's an asshole (his words, not mine - never once have I called him this) who needs people to tiptoe around him. It's exhausting, sometimes. Most of the time, I just end up feeling crazy for the thing I was upset by anyway, and a lot of the time feel genuinely annoyed with myself for being so sensitive. Over the years we've had arguments that go this way - with me feeling insane for my emotions and apologizing. Then, he apologizes and shoulders the blame for blowing up or saying hurtful things, that even as he's saying them I know he doesn't mean. Maybe it's my fault for starting it... I don't know anymore.
He gets incredibly mad with himself for mistakes he makes or perceives himself to make. He has hurt himself in the past out of anger - hitting himself, etc. It always scares me and he knows that. In those moments I know he's not actually mad with me, but he is liable to verbally lash out at me in his self-hatred. Always he'll apologize, but it will happen again. He would never hurt me physically, this I know for sure.
I don't feel as confident as I used to. I don't know how much of it is to do with myself and my people-pleasing, my fear or what ever, and how much of it stems from feeling like I'm under a microscope when he's around. He's quite critical of himself and others. I understand that it comes from a place of love for others and wanting to see them at their fully realized self - but it feels more like a fear of judgement or something to me. I dread making a mistake, be it at home with something I do or say or in public. It can be as small as doing something he would have done differently himself, or an interaction with a person that he feels I didn't do right or whatever. His mood changes in an instant and I can immediately tell he's annoyed. My heart always drops when I see him making a face. He'll go right back to being okay, and the emotional whiplash is insane. I can handle criticism, but it's made me second guess everything and I feel kind of... suppressed, I guess. I just feel he has no patience for me, when I have to have boundless patience for him. He gets very excited, agitated or animated yet when I do the same I'm bringing too much emotion to it and stressing him out. The past few weeks have been repeated accusations of this. I understand he's been stressed and excited with work and balancing several things at once, but I feel it's being taken out on me to some degree. Many of the things I say are triggering, or shot down, and I feel like a hysterical person. Sometimes I feel I can only partially relax at home. Most of this has been communicated between us at one point or another, and I accept the parts my actions play in our dynamic and conversations.
He has a strong personality, though I don't think he would agree as tries not to identify with such an idea. Sometimes I feel my own personality is subsumed in his, though to be completely honest this is partly my fault for not asserting myself. He knows I'm a people-pleaser and wants better for me, though ultimately it's up to me to do. I feel I do a lot of appeasing. He can tell and it annoyed by it as he wants me to be truthful - but sometimes when I am truthful, he is upset by what I want, or that we weren't in alignment with each other. I feel I don't know how to navigate this.
In a vacuum none of this sounds great, I'm aware. If I was here only to wax lyrical about our love for each other, there'd be no point at all. But we have a very deep connection that has stood multiple hardships. I feel supported in anything and everything I want to do. The intensity I described before may have had a negative connotation, but it also has a very positive one. He is devoted to self improvement and betterment. We have many great times and in-jokes. His criticisms have helped me in a ways a previous entirely uncritical relationship could never have. I have no doubt he loves me. This is only my perspective on the relationship and I'm sure there's plenty he could say about me - I'm no angel and never claim to be. I don't want to break up, though I am cognizant I cannot judge our relationship objectively. I know the best way forward is communication, but there's been much of that and still I feel this way. I would really appreciate someone's insight. Thanks for reading my long post!