Am I being unreasonable or my mother?

[Mrh34590]

To provide some context - after having my child and some complicated circumstances I took longer off after maternity leave ended and had to leave my job as a result. Before looking for a new job I spoke to my mother who encouraged me to find flexible work which she would support, by providing childcare for the first few months until I get settled, and then put my child into nursery.

In order to facilitate this for my first shift she volunteered to come and stay over the day before, for one shift and then I would drop my child to hers for the other shifts in the second half of the week. I was extremely grateful for this suggestion and offer. We agreed timings and when she would be coming over.

On the day she was supposed to come over I sent her a message to confirm what time to expect her. I had already planned the day out roughly based on what we had agreed. She replied to say she would actually be coming much later. I asked why that was, but did not push her to come earlier. She said she had undertaken too much washing and an extra task of doing washing for my sister (who is on holiday with her newborn) and she wanted to drop that off and do her bedsheets for when she is back - which would be 5 days time. She also proceeded to say she wouldn’t be getting much time to do her things since she has agreed to look after my child. It was sounding to me like she was now burdened. So I offered to change the childcare to just 2 days and 1 of those she can take my child with her if she would like to do any finishing touches at my sister’s

Later on she called me shouting, asking whether I’m being sarcastic and that I got offended by her mentioning helping others instead of me. I tried to explain I’m trying to make it easier - as I was expecting she would be organised to come over but it sounded like she was getting overwhelmed by the commitment. She kept shouting and following up with voice notes and not listening to what I had to say. Until she gave me an ultimatum if you don’t want me to come tonight then tell me. I said I’d rather not see her in this stress and that I could just drop my child (who was looking forward to her coming over) over tomorrow for my shift.

You aren't being unreasonable but I've seen this situation happen with several of my peers. Save yourself a load of misery by arranging proper childcare and just keeping this as a family relationship. Some grandparents doing childcare simply can't wrap their heads around the fact that they need to be reliable if it's going to work.

Nip this in the bud now and don't use her for childcare. She's not prioritising helping you or your child, which is a must when you're looking for childcare (and obviously completely fine for her not to, but then can't be the childcare).

If it's this complicated, frustrating and causing this many arguments before you've even done one shift then clearly it's never going to work!

Don't get into an argument or discussion, just say you've decided that you're going to use paid childcare instead.

It's unfortunate indeed that shift work isn't really compatible with much paid regular childcare, but this isn't going to work.

💐💐💐💐💐

This is why despite all the theatrics and protestations my children are in FT childcare.
I heard too many horror stories.

We have 2 demanding FT jobs. I just could. not. face. the bullshit, panic and stress.

"oh my chiropodist is 2.30 on tuesday is that going to beeeee a problem?" 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
"I wanted to go to costco to buy tinfoil. Dont worry ill go early and can come for 10 or 11..." 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
"I thought I'd go to ireland for September"
Etc etc.🫠🫠🫠

My mother has been told repeatedly she can collect the kids from the CM whenever she wants or just come pick them up from me at 8am. Despite opera-esque drama around me not letting her do it Full time... she has taken my children out approx ZERO times in 2.5 years.

Get your childcare on lockdown ASAP do not rely on her. In this economy you want to be "hugging" that job... not having your mother set you up to fail.
If she insists make the same offer i did. If she can reliably do it for 2 months revisit the situation.
Just youll be payi g for something you arent using but you are paying as insurance so you dont get screwed over. Again...

Arrange childcare with a childminder. Your mother is showing you very clearly that she is unreliable.

Agree with the PP the sooner you have childcare the better for you.

Family and childcare can be very hit and miss... sometimes it works wonderfully others not so much.

Ive always just gone with nursery or childminder. You have a contract so none of this messing around or being made to feel someones doing you a favour.

It is very hard to believe your mothers completely unreasonable behaviour has come out of nowhere.

It is a common theme for narcissistic mothers to offer to help and then cause untold grief and stress.

Save yourself so much stress by outting your child into the nursery full-time.

Better for baby, better for you.

Your sister sounds like golden child and you are the scapegoat child.

Take it seriously.
It is never worth it.

Get professional childcare. Your mother's going to mess around with you using childcare. She's mess with your hours and then complain and cancel and you'll be left scrambling with no childcare.

Did she like to pit you against your sister or play favorites?

Of course she's unreasonable but nip this right now by putting your kid in full time daycare or nursery.

I agree that you’d be better off using paid childcare to save any issues. But, playing devil’s advocate, your mum has agreed to help you out at the exact time that her other daughter has given birth to a newborn. It sounds like she’s completely overstretched herself and she has probably felt a little attacked by your message hinting that she wasn’t prioritising you and your child (even if that wasn’t your intention).

Use paid childcare from the get go….less hassle

One of my friends had a call from her child's school asking why no one was at pick up. It turned out that her mother didn't feel up to the school run so just didn't do it. Seriously life is too short to rely on someone like that.

Thank you all for the advice and opinions, it is appreciated! Sometimes you need to see the situation through the eyes of others.

I am looking into formal childcare now, it’s just not easy as it’s set up for fixed day workers and the “free” childcare is not actually free for all. Which when you take into account the number of days I’m working per month, leads to a bit of a loss!

Its upto you, i avoid abusive people like the plague.