Hi everyone,
I (39F) have been with my husband (34M) for about 11 years, and we have been married for just over 4 years. For most of that time, he was one of the most wonderful, caring people I’d ever met. Thoughtful, affectionate, supportive, and genuinely my best friend. We had an equal and loving relationship, where I felt completely safe and respected.
Since our son was born in 2022, a lot has shifted. After a traumatic birth, I developed postpartum anxiety and depression and went straight into therapy, which I arranged and paid for myself because I wanted to heal and be the best mum I could. I did that despite feeling like a bit of a burden, as my husband, then a CEO with a demanding job, was excited to be a dad but became detached when things got hard.
Then came a string of enormous stresses: his sister died of cancer, he left his job after a conflict and had a legal battle to recover the shares he was owed, and then he started a new business from scratch. I’ve supported him through all of it while running my own business, doing most of the parenting, and keeping our home together — and paying for most things since he left his role to start anew. I have full confidence in him, and things have really started to pick up for him, but if I'm being sincere, his going for it has ultimately been at my expense.
He’s now a much more involved dad, and our son adores him, which I love seeing. But as a husband, he’s a shadow of his former self. I often feel that I don't like him very much. He spends hours scrolling on his phone, vaping endlessly or on Xbox in the evening, when in my view we could be spending time together. When he does engage, he’s often cold, critical or quick to belittle me — especially if I do something “wrong” by his standards. Or alternatively, when I've done everything 'right' (i.e. I've just done everything without complaint), he's full of the joys of spring.
Lately, he’s accused me of “not doing enough” with our son (even though I do most of the organising and daily load - it's almost LAUGHABLE he'd say this to me if he knew even a fraction of what it takes to keep our lives turning!) and, most painfully, accused me of flirting with another parent at nursery. I was just being friendly, but I was humiliated by the comment. It was designed to hurt me, and it did. He's saying "he knows what he saw," and I am honestly DUMFOUNDED by this accusation. I was being pleasant to a fellow parent while our kids played together, it doesn't go further than that.
He insists he’s fine and dismisses any suggestion of therapy, but I can see he’s just not himself and I believe he is taking it out on me.
I am an understanding person and an open book. I make my own decent money via a business I have run independently for almost 8 years, and I am a very hands-on parent. We have fun, we play and laugh, and I do everything I can to give our son the best experiences and a whole lot of love. I look after our home, our pets, and ensure we have all that we need - everything, really. I have a lot to offer in a relationship, and right now I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
I love him, but I don’t like who he’s become. I’m exhausted from carrying the emotional weight and walking on eggshells in case I do something "wrong" (in his book, not mine!), and I don’t feel emotionally safe or supported anymore. Where did my lovely husband go? What happened to our marriage? Where do I go from here?
Has anyone dealt with something similar... i.e. a partner who changed negatively after trauma and stress? How did you get them to see they needed help? And how do you know when it’s time to stop trying?
Thanks for reading.