Anyone else struggling with “mental load” even when things look calm on the surface?

[NourWu]

Lately I’ve been realising that even on days when everything seems fine — the kids are fed, work’s done, the house isn’t a total disaster — I still feel completely exhausted. It’s not physical tiredness as much as that constant mental load. Keeping track of school letters, meals, laundry rotations, birthdays, appointments… it never really stops, does it?
What I find tricky is that from the outside, it probably looks like I’ve got it together. My partner helps out with the obvious things, but I’m still the one holding all the invisible lists in my head. Even when I try to switch off, I’m thinking about what needs to be done next.
I’m wondering if anyone’s found ways to genuinely share that mental load, not just the tasks themselves but the planning behind them. Or is this just part and parcel of family life that we all end up carrying to some extent?
Would really love to hear how others manage it — especially from those who’ve found small ways to make it feel less overwhelming.

Unfortunately, I don't have any tips. On the outside, I seem fine. Like I'm functioning.

On the inside, I feel like I'm burning alive. Just this morning, one of my cats was sick in my room, and in my attempt to clean it up, I was also sick and then spend 10 minutes crying while curled up in a ball on my bed.

I feel happy sometimes - but most of the time, I just feel like I exist.

It's such a struggle, and no one really understands unless they've been in your shoes. I understand, OP. I hope it gets easier for you x

My partner helps out with the obvious things, but I’m still the one holding all the invisible lists in my head.

Basically, your partner isn't doing enough. How much do you both work?

I mean, I get it – it's tough no matter what I think – but seems from your post, that he isn't sharing as much as he could. DH and I both work full time and have two children. Here's a basic list:

Him
GP and dentist appointment
Topping up school account for dinners + trips
All school drop offs and 2x pick ups
Handles all admin for 2/4 of the kids' sports clubs
All laundry and ironing
All dishes
Hoovering
All food shopping
Most household bill admin
Birthday party presents
Hair cut appointments

Me
School homework projects
Handles all admin for the other 2/4 of the kids' sports clubs
All cooking + school packed lunches
Kitchen and bathroom cleaning
Cat litter and food
House repairs and organising trades
Christmas presents
New/old clothes cycle
Tidying bedrooms

We have a fortnightly cleaner and a nanny three afternoons a week.

If you have I-Phones, use the family calendar option and put all appointments, after school activities, hobbies, birthdays, holidays etc in there so your DP/DH can see them too. Train them to use it/add entries too! Check each morning at breakfast time & co-ordinate which parent is doing what eg after school pick ups, dentist appointments etc.

If you get school emails, check for these daily & see if they’re relevant for your kids & put in the shared phone family calendar eg dress down day, exams etc I also have a big family calendar pinned up in the kitchen with school holidays, birthdays on which we can glance at easily.

How old are the kids, can they help in any small ways, eg putting clean underwear/socks into a named basket before putting into each person’s drawers?

Try and have at least a couple of easy meals in the freezer for busy days.

Keep spare birthday cards in the house, you can add a voucher or bit of cash quickly for any “forgotten” birthday.

Make time for yourself, sounds obvious but get enough sleep, try a quick five minute mindfulness, I found a great one on YouTube from the Priory - Centring Breathing Meditation with April Kerslake (6 minutes) Hope the link works!

Don’t forget that no one is perfect and to ask for help if you need it, you sound like you’re doing great x

Yes, all the time I feel like I'm juggling a load of balls and if I drop one they'll all come crashing down.

It's not helped by ex-husband being a complete arse at times, we have a shared family calendar but he doesn't use it and then gets pissed cos I'm not psychic.

DC is at a college that is quite intense but also has to deal with shockingly unreliable public transport so I don't like to put too much more on top.

Dp is away all week for work so he's helpful at weekends but a lot of admin falls to me because I'm around.

I just keep making lists and more lists and crossing my fingers

Me, although on MN lots of people don't believe in the mental load and think it's just being an adult ...

I'm a single parent so it all falls to me. When I have the odd day with no kids/no commitments I can get stuff done at home AND rest and I feel amazing, but adding work/extra events/kids' activities into the mix just feels like too much. I'm constantly exhausted.

Lists help, but sometimes it still feels never-ending.

Totally get that — it’s nonstop, isn’t it? Those kid-free days feel like gold dust, you finally get to breathe for a minute. It’s no wonder you’re wiped out with everything on your plate.