Does anyone else feel like modern parenting has made couples more like teammates than partners?

[GlowWithBalance]

Lately I’ve realised that most of my conversations with my partner revolve around logistics — who’s doing pickup, what to cook, what bills are due, who’s buying the birthday gift for yet another party. We get along fine, but it sometimes feels like we’re running a small business together rather than being in a relationship.
By the time the kids are in bed, we’re both so tired that we just zone out in front of the TV. It’s not that anything’s wrong, but I do miss when we used to actually talk about other things or just laugh together without checking the clock.
I keep wondering if this is just what the parenting phase looks like for everyone, or if it’s something we should actively be working on before it turns into real distance.
Has anyone else felt like this — and if so, did you manage to shift things back to feeling more like a couple again?

That’s not modern parenting……my kids are 28 and 31…….and it was exactly the same then
It stabilised for us when the kids were a bit older

I would imagine all parents of young kids get like this

Definitely, but As PP said I don't think it's anything new. It's extremely important to model healthy adult relationships to children though, so seeing it in that way really helped me prioritise showing affection and making sure we actually enjoyed spending time with each other rather than looking like two overworked joint CEOs of a childcare business

You still have to make time and effort when the kids go to bed to actually chat and communicate as a couple. Best time of day love sitting down with a cuppa and chatting with hubby each evening before we watch some tv together

Yes. You feel more like co-workers than lovers. There is evidence that marriages tend to be happier when the partners have clearly defined and distinct roles, probably because there is less conflict about who does what but also because you feel less like colleagues and more like romantic partners.

If circumstances dictate that the child-rearing, housework and earning money are all shared, it’s possible to recreate something of a separation of responsibilities by just having everything clearly divided, so you don’t have to negotiate and collaborate all the time. For example, I do all the driving to clubs, my DH does all the washing.

I think this is just how it is when you have young children to be honest - life is busy and by the end of the day, you just want to zonk in front of the tv for a couple of hours! You could try and book some nights out together, just the two of you or with friends, organise a babysitter at the weekend and go out. Go to a music gig, comedy club or just bowling or something. Having a laugh together and having something other than household and kids stuff is important.

It’s definitely not modern parenting. It’s just parenting and adulting.

I grew up in the 80s and I can’t think of anyone whose parents were doing anything different. Hell, Dh and I are busy, but at least we genuinely like each other and talk and have a laugh. My parents pretty much actively avoided each other. I don’t remember them ever going out for dinner alone or away for a weekend together. There was definitely no fun or laughter or romance between them.

AI nonsense

I think this is just the way it is, when things go great, actually. Good partners make the best teams.
Once the children grow up, it will be the two of you. Then... grandchildren LOL.
That is what a good life is meant to be.

I think that's just parenting. I'm just glad we can talk about those things, both be involved and share the load. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there doing it all alone. Why not pop a date night in the calendar once a month? Could you also make an effort one night a week to pop the kids to bed in good time and do something other than watch TV, maybe do a board game or something?

Yes but I think (hope) it's just the reality of having small children and that we'll eventually find each other again as partners. I will say that the small glimpses we get (date nights etc), is what gives me hope. Plus Friday night is our night, kids are tired anyway so we give them an easy oven dinner/ pasta type thing and one or both of us will cook something more elaborate and enjoy over a bottle of wine, at the table, not in front of TV. Doesn't happen every Friday but we do try.

I do feel like it has increased since kids have to be quite old before they are allowed to do things independently and everything has to be organised by parents, it has gotten worse.

That's just a phase of parenting/ relationships, was ever thus.

Eventually, hopefully, you have an empty nest and can have sex on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon again if you like 😂

Marriage/ cohabitation have always been fundamentally a practical partnership/ somewhat transactional.

You have to be ‘teammates’ aswell as a couple in 2025 as usually both work. If you’re not ‘teammates’ (to use that phrase), I imagine that’s because one isn’t pulling their fair share.

I can relate to everything you have written but I love the feeling of being a busy parent, working hard, busy weekends and what we achieve together. As long as you still enjoy being together, that’s the most important thing (even if you are exhausted - we all are!).

Parenting is alot of hard work. Regular date nights and fancy weekends away are not the reality for the majority of people (maybe in SM world). Small gestures for each other mean alot though - when my DH is working a late shift and we can’t eat all together as a family, I have dinner with him once the kids are all sorted. Its our chance to chat and also put a programme we like on. We’ll sit in the garden (when there’s a chance!) on a sunny evening for a drink too.

For most people life is a big juggle between work, kids, clubs, housework and everything else. We are all exhausted, all our friends are exhausted, but most important thing is to support each other.

I don’t think that is new. I worked full time, my mum did, both grandmothers. It was the same for everyone. There were a couple of kids at my school whose mothers did not work, I think the fathers did not let them, they had even less money and the mothers were treated badly.
Were you brought up in a family where

The alternative in the past was woman at home scrubbing house on Prozac and man walking in after work expecting his slippers warmed and dinner on the table.

Then women went out to work in greater numbers (some women always worked but mostly low-paid jobs that men didn't take seriously), but still had to do all of the above as well as a full-time job.

For a while now we've been expecting men to act as adults and do their share. And being adults sucks sometimes.

Our boys are 5 and 2, and I just assumed it was like this for most couples who shared the load equally. I'm not worried, it's just the phase we're in. We still watch our junk shows together, or a movie at the weekend, but I'm usually far too tired to talk in the evenings. But I'm sure when our kids get bigger, there will be time again for us.

This is why people go hiking together, or on date nights, or to swingers clubs.
Otherwise you're just running an extremely unprofitable childcare business.
In the real world, most people are making it through, bickering a bit, saying sorry, negotiating their hobbies between each other and crashing in front of the TV together at 9 pm. Then the kids leave home and you have to remind yourself that you used to talk about stuff, or maybe it was just sex. Who knows?

LOL at extremely unprofitable childcare business!

I think it's the nature of that age. My children are 14 and 10 and I'm starting to see a shift, not just in my own relationship, but with my friends' relationships too.

I had dinner with a friend last week who mentioned that her and her DH now routinely go for a nice dinner out every week while their children are at an activity as it happens to take place in a nice town with lots of great eating options. This is possible because a) the children's activities take longer b) they can be dropped and left.

DH and I are going to a comedy show in a few weeks and we had booked a concert a few weeks ago. this just wasn't doable even a few years ago - we were too tired, for a start, but the cost of childcare and the complexity of bed times etc made it feel like too much effort.

We're also seeing a shift in socialising with more evening events, adult only, parties vs a few years ago.

Yep. I feel like I’m going insane pointing this out on threads when I see it while everyone else is responding. It’s driving me barmy. There are so many of these threads.

We need the laugh emoji back.

Unless you want to go back to very defined, set traditional roles where the woman was mostly responsible for the majority of everything house & child-related, then yes, it's going to involve having these conversations.

Is there a reason why you can't have a pick-up rota? Where you each know who's doing that job, unless someone's ill or some other event comes up?

Any reason why you can't agree to a 1 month food rota, where you know what you'll be cooking most nights for the month ahead?