Life after abusive toxic relationship

[Inamess2022]

Hi, I’ve posted here before about the end of a relationship that was basically very toxic and on a cycle of nice/nasty that I just couldn’t put up with anymore. When it ended it was extremely bad lots of terrible abusive emails and messages from him and ended up with more formal proceedings in place to stop him contacting me in any capacity. I don’t really know why I’m posting really, I suppose I just feel a bit lost at the moment. Some days I’m very optimistic and hopeful for the future, other days like today I’m feeling old (only mid 40s!) and jaded and depressed by all men. I’m also terrified that I’ll be subject to the same crap again if I ever get into a new relationship which is completely off the radar for many years. I have a lovely son (thankfully my ex husbands not my toxic ex), I have some great friends and wonderful parents who have really been so helpful and kind over the last few very difficult months. Am also accessing counselling. So again sorry for rambling, maybe I’m just searching for stories of life getting better. I really don’t want to go back into dating etc at this point in time and want to get to a place of being happy and comfortable again in my own skin.

I'm glad you have a good support system OP.
And that you have your lovely son.
You seem to be doing the right things - counselling, and steering clear of dating for the time being.

You have been through a traumatic experience and it will take time to recover. But you will recover. You are still young enough to have years of happiness ahead of you.

Life does get better after going through these experiences. Your counselling will help. It takes time to settle. You’ll get there.
Plan some things that make you happy.

It does get better and I am a much better person because of it.

I still get days when I feel like I wish I was still married - but none of them the right reasons (ie. her). Just the fact the house is empty, would be great for someone to come home to, for the kids to be here all the timer rather than half the time, for the financial aspect and having better house/holidays...

But the 6 months after the split were some of the best months of my life. Freedom, no abusive rants or behaviours. No-one trying to control me (really didnt pick up on that until we started co-parenting).

In terms of recovery, it took weeks, maybe thats the person I am!

I think the important thing for you is to invest in your family and children as it stands until you want to go into another relationship. best of luck.

Thank you for all of your kind messages. Is it normal to feel in a period of highs and lows?! Somedays I feel sheer relief and liberation, then I’ll go into a shop playing Christmas songs and feel sad again. I mostly feel sad, angry and duped into all the time wasted. And I hate him for the fact he has really done a number on me in making me distrust all (well most) men . I wouldn’t even consider dating until at least a year has gone past and I wouldn’t do introductions with my son etc, I’ve been burnt badly and I will never go through this again.

100% - you will be triggered by things, walk past a pub you had a first date in, where you got engaged, restaurants you went to, days out. Christmas is a big trigger too. There will be songs that take you back to times. You remember some good times. Then it will be the years you wasted on that person.

One thing I did, was to physically go to as many places as reasonably possible early on. Almost confront that emotion, so if I went there with friends later on it would hold less memories. I binned all old social media posts with us in, got rid of all the photos. They are backed up to a USB for the kids in future but do not exist on my phone. While the house is much the same, redecorated bedroom too.

Even now, 2.5 years later, I still get that. But is is short, I just recall what a nasty person she was and that puts be back in a normal frame of mind.

What I would say, is that (for me and in my opinion) you almost need to forget what happened or it will shape your future. Yes I was lied to, cheated on, humiliated... but I know that not everyone is like that. To be honest it's also the situation - if a relationship is bad both people do things they shouldnt. I didnt trust her, but current relationship, no trust issues at all. If she breaks that it's different but IMO it's a bit like blaming Germans now for WW2. It had nothing to do with them. I reset everything, and took people for who they were. Of course my guard is up a little, and I am not a mug in that respect but I think you need to start from a position of trust and see how it goes.

Thank you for your kind response. Just having a massive cry in bed god someone please tell me things will get better in the long run 😢😢

Well done for getting out of a toxic relationship. That took guts. Honestly, just concentrate on self care for a while and looking after yourself and your son. No nasty man screwing your head up. Peace for you now. Christmas can trigger people. I had a Christmas where my long distance boyfriend ghosted me and I found out on Facebook he had been seeing his neighbour. It was horrible but you know what? You do get over it eventually. You really do. Pamper yourself and you are right to be on your guard in the future when dating but I am sure you will meet someone lovely down the line. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this break up is just leading you down the right path for your future. Just enjoy not being with a toxic man anymore. Wishing you lots of happiness.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling OP. Unfortunately it’s not quite the same with men and women. Women have a lot more to be wary about in our culture today. There’s a lot more violence and abuse that comes from men and it is really hard for us women to trust men again and feel safe again after having been abused. Men and women are socialized differently and it will take time for things to change. Keep doing your counselling, self-care etc. Find new hobbies and friends. It will take the time it takes. At some point you may feel ready to try again (or not!). Just concentrate on building the best life for yourself as possible.

Thank you everyone. Struggling with the feelings that are very complex mostly how can someone say they “love” you and then be so verbally nasty and at times physically. Also how can things end so badly that you end up in court. It doesn’t feel like I’ll ever trust a man again and I didn’t want to feel that way as I know they are not all the same. I’m definitely giving myself a lot of time for healing.

I'm in the same situation as you. My Ex is on remand. He was very violent at times but also very kind and loving and caring other times.
I never know when the tears are gonna fall as it is so unpredictable. I can be absolutely fine one minute and the the next day I will cry all day thinking about all the plans that have gone, and all the memories we had. Sometimes I cry more about the good times than the bad. Thinking about the violence and other abuse doesn't make me cry, it makes me numb.
And also, I am so worried about meeting anyone else in the future as I just cannot trust that another man may be the same or worse even!

I have a trauma bond to my ex and I am now 10 weeks no contact and I keep thinking about going through with the court case etc, as some days I think I don't want to ruin his life, then I think about how much he's ruined mine and that none of this is my fault. It's an absolute roller coaster of emotions and I never know how I am gonna feel one day to the next.

You are not alone OP. Hope things get better for you. As everyone keeps telling me, time heals, even though it doesn't feel like it at times.

And I always wonder how someone can say how much they love you abd be absolutely awful. I have to believe they actually don't really love us, just want to control us,

Thank you and so sorry for what you are going through as well sending many hugs and solidarity. If you ever want to offload please message me. I am also feeling that same mixture of emotions it’s rubbish!

I also think my ex really wanted to isolate me and control me: I’ve had more of a social life in the last 8 weeks than I’ve had for a while and focused myself on seeing my female friends and spending lovely time with my sons. I did see the friends whilst I was with him but far more sporadically and more via text contact so it’s just nice to have that autonomy and freedom back. But then have awful sad moments where I can’t see me ever trusting anyone again and I certainly don’t want to go through the whole introduction thing with my son, once was more than enough.

Yes, I know what you mean about the freedom and the social life. I have seen so much more of my family and friends over these last 10 weeks, which I love. I then come home to an empty house and it starts me off all over again. I think I need to get used to the loneliness as all my kids have left home. And likewise, if you need to message me feel free. 😊

Hi
The rollercoaster of a toxic relationship is addictive. You are having withdrawal symptoms. Read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It is quite old now but the message it the same at any time as all the toxicity and recovery is the same. Give it a go. It will get better once you become yourself again but it is difficult. You do not feel it now but you will come out stronger. Good Luck. You have got this....

Thank you all you lovely people. I’m going to a meet up walk and drinks this afternoon getting out of my comfort zone and hopefully being around nice people with no agenda is what I’m striving for now. It’s all a process but I’m giving myself time and hell NO to dating apps and any of that crap 😅