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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separating after affair, support/advice please

13 replies

sandwichbread · 02/11/2025 20:07

Change of username as to not associate with other posts, very outing to anyone who I’ve told this to IRL!

My soon to be ex husband has been having an affair for several months. I found evidence 🤢 of this a month ago and that was when I left him. We have a baby, not yet 1. The woman he’s been seeing is a colleague, a single mum to a very young child. He pulled the ‘this life is everything I’ve ever wanted, but not with you’ line on me and his behaviour quickly turned very nasty and manipulative. We both own the house. I asked him to leave and he refused to go. Me and baby have moved in with supportive family, it didn’t feel comfortable to stay with how unpredictable and hostile he was being. He is living in the house alone while I continue to cover half the mortgage. It will be on the market soon but I expect will take at least several months to sell.

Now that I’ve had some space from the situation I can see he’s been controlling for quite some time, frog in boiling water type scenario. He wants me to ask permission to go back to our jointly owned home to get belongings and is twisting everything. He hasn’t paid anything towards the baby since we left. I have applied for CMS, but he isn’t cooperating with that either and has ignored their emails and letter, which means it is taking longer (I get notified when he responds). He hasn’t responded to my emails asking nicely for him to contribute to costs.

It’s such a headache and causing me so much stress. Any advice/tips or moral support on how to navigate this would be appreciated. Practically, I’ve sought legal advice and started the divorce application. The house will be going up for sale soon. There will be very little equity- we only bought a year ago, with a small deposit (which was entirely from me and no contribution from him) I’m back at work part time after maternity leave, which helps. I’ve also started therapy and I’m trying to carve out some time for myself, which is hard to find atm. I feel really guilty to my baby as this isn’t the family life I had pictured.

Support and positive stories gratefully received!

OP posts:
Original poster
sandwichbread · 02/11/2025 21:10

Not sure if I posted on the right board!

OP posts:
Nicefreshbedding · 02/11/2025 22:46

@sandwichbread Suggest asking for this to be moved to the Relationships board. You can report your post & ask them to move it for you. 🙂

SkaneTos · 02/11/2025 22:51

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to try to offer you some support.

Good to hear that you have supportive family that you can stay with!
Good to hear that you own half the house.

Do not feel guilty! Your ex should feel guilty, not you!

I hope someone else has some advice for you. I wish you and your child all the best!

WinterSunglasses · 02/11/2025 23:04

That's shit, but to try and look for positives, at least you know now before your baby got older and got used to him being around. You will get past this but it'll take time. Try reading the chumplady website for some cheering stories of people who improved their lives after splitting with a cheater.

tothelefttotheleft · 02/11/2025 23:07

That line he said was absolutely awful. Such a cruel thing to say.

Guildford321 · 02/11/2025 23:14

Don't feel guilty. Don't pander to him in any way. Don't ask permission to do anything. Don't ask nicely or try in any way to appease him (personal safety aside of course. If there's a risk of any threat from him, always take someone with you if you need to go to the house). Do everything via formal/legal channels. Grey rock him. Your self esteem will thank you for it later.

Original poster
sandwichbread · 03/11/2025 21:49

tothelefttotheleft · 02/11/2025 23:07

That line he said was absolutely awful. Such a cruel thing to say.

Thank you. One of the worst things to hear but I know it says more about him

OP posts:
Original poster
sandwichbread · 03/11/2025 21:50

Guildford321 · 02/11/2025 23:14

Don't feel guilty. Don't pander to him in any way. Don't ask permission to do anything. Don't ask nicely or try in any way to appease him (personal safety aside of course. If there's a risk of any threat from him, always take someone with you if you need to go to the house). Do everything via formal/legal channels. Grey rock him. Your self esteem will thank you for it later.

Thank you, I think this is the path I need

OP posts:
KellsBells7 · 03/11/2025 21:52

You are doing a great job! Be proud of your strength and take no shit!

WhoamItoday11 · 03/11/2025 21:56

Well done on getting yourself out of that awful situation! I know it's tough now, but in years to come your life will be 100x better than it could have been with him in it.

He's using "the script" on you. Look it up. It's a man's way of minimizing the fact that he's the shit one, and trying to blame you for his actions. Don't believe a word of it. How he is acting now is a reflection on him only, not you. The shame is all on him, this is a moral failing on his part, not a failing of any kind on you.

I think you've done an amazing thing for yourself and your baby, be proud of it. No advice, but chin up and keep going. You've got this!

Original poster
sandwichbread · 04/11/2025 11:41

WhoamItoday11 · 03/11/2025 21:56

Well done on getting yourself out of that awful situation! I know it's tough now, but in years to come your life will be 100x better than it could have been with him in it.

He's using "the script" on you. Look it up. It's a man's way of minimizing the fact that he's the shit one, and trying to blame you for his actions. Don't believe a word of it. How he is acting now is a reflection on him only, not you. The shame is all on him, this is a moral failing on his part, not a failing of any kind on you.

I think you've done an amazing thing for yourself and your baby, be proud of it. No advice, but chin up and keep going. You've got this!

Thank you. I’ve looked at that, that’s crazy. Why do they all say that!

OP posts:
Seelybee · 04/11/2025 12:33

@sandwichbread what a scumbag. Very much doubt the new relationship lasts the course once real life responsibilities and tedium kick in.
The good news is that he isn't going to benefit financially from his vile behaviour. Make sure you get your deposit back when the house sells before any equity is shared. If he's employed, ask CMS to take payment from his earnings as he isn't co-operating, will cost him an extra 20% and you'll lose 4% but a lot better for you than nothing.
Your baby will be fine, you're putting them first in your decisions. Realistically this ultra selfish man will probably have minimal or no relationship with them but that could be a blessing. Wishing you well at a horrible time.

Original poster
sandwichbread · 04/11/2025 13:35

Seelybee · 04/11/2025 12:33

@sandwichbread what a scumbag. Very much doubt the new relationship lasts the course once real life responsibilities and tedium kick in.
The good news is that he isn't going to benefit financially from his vile behaviour. Make sure you get your deposit back when the house sells before any equity is shared. If he's employed, ask CMS to take payment from his earnings as he isn't co-operating, will cost him an extra 20% and you'll lose 4% but a lot better for you than nothing.
Your baby will be fine, you're putting them first in your decisions. Realistically this ultra selfish man will probably have minimal or no relationship with them but that could be a blessing. Wishing you well at a horrible time.

Thank you so much

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