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Original poster

Friendship advice - do I just stop being me !

30 replies

UniqueOpalSwan · 02/11/2025 17:58

My best friend was always including me in social events but since Covid this has become less and less however she is very quick to ask for things from me ( I get generous perks from work ). I have always given as I get a great deal of delight from helping people and being generous. An example is when I was in a shop the other day and I saw something she would like I bought it for her. However, I am starting to despise the fact that she no longer includes me in the social events but occasionally invites me for dinner which consists of pizza and chips.(!) and feels that is her way of saying thank you and enabling her to ask for a perk. I also find that when I’m having said pizza and chips the conversation is very one-sided and she never says oh I’ve booked a theatre next Saturday and I’m going to see XXX I literally just find out on Facebook and I find that quite upsetting as I feel that it’s a big secret.
I therefore decided to have this out with her and ask why? I’m sure you can guess that the blame was put back on me and I can’t even fathom how this happened. Anyway, the big question is do I just stop with the perks as I know this will end the friendship or do I just carry on being a good old me! At the moment ( and I know some of you will think I’m very stupid), it is all leaving me very depressed and very lonely.

OP posts:
Gingercatlover · 02/11/2025 21:03

Stop! A friend doesn’t leave you guessing what their intentions towards you are.

What are you getting from this friendship?
she sounds happy to take from you but doesn’t want to spend time with you.

You deserve much better.

outerspacepotato · 02/11/2025 21:35

She's using you for the "perks".

Stop. When you're generous and it's not reciprocated, you're being taken advantage of.

Arlanymor · 02/11/2025 21:42

Friends don’t use one another for personal gain. She’s not a friend is she? Life is too short to surround yourself with users, it really is.

GoldDuster · 02/11/2025 21:45

If the perks are what's keeping her around, and she would disappear if they did then you're buying her friendship with the perks.

Bin her.

AyrshireTryer · 02/11/2025 21:47

Well done for recognising.
Well done for calling her out on it.

PolyVagalNerve · 02/11/2025 21:49

She is no friend -
covid is five years ago now, that’s a long time for this ‘friendship’ to be waning -
she’s a taker, not a friend
when she’s got something fun to do, she isn’t thinking of you -
step away -
now you’ve called her out, and she’s thrown it back at you, I would not be surprised if you don’t hear from her again - anyway

barskits · 02/11/2025 22:05

Friendship should be mutually beneficial. With this particular friendship, you give and she takes. She only appears interested in what she can get out of you.

That is not the behaviour of a good friend.

Now either you stay being you and continue to be taken advantage of, or you stick up for yourself and say enough is enough.

SlightlyBruisedApple · 02/11/2025 22:20

OP, being ‘good old me’ can’t just mean giving people access to your work perks — you are more than your services. You sound as if you’re people-pleasing, which isn’t a healthy way to relate to other people. Look what it’s brought you to — you seem to think that giving this person your perks entitles you to invitations to her social events. You’re trying to buy a social life with services. Now you’re cross the exchange no longer gives you value for your input. Do you even like her? If so, do you invite her to your social occasions?

FullOfMomsense · 02/11/2025 22:53

You've made yourself her personal doormat, and you're giving her the shoes to walk over you. Get rid!

Original poster
UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 02:54

Thanks all, ref people pleasing , yes you’re right this is a trait in me. I recognise this as I get very lonely ( not married or have a partner ) so I do value friendships.
my worry is if I take the perks away and the friendship does end won’t that make me a laughing stock! But how do you know if you don’t try. I hate these games, friendship shouldn’t be like this.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/11/2025 05:15

Why did she say it was your fault? Make some new friends, and don't rely on her for invites. Maybe don't be so generous so quickly, save the presents for someone's birthday so you know new people like you for you not for what you can give them

HankyP · 03/11/2025 05:27

UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 02:54

Thanks all, ref people pleasing , yes you’re right this is a trait in me. I recognise this as I get very lonely ( not married or have a partner ) so I do value friendships.
my worry is if I take the perks away and the friendship does end won’t that make me a laughing stock! But how do you know if you don’t try. I hate these games, friendship shouldn’t be like this.

No you are right it shouldn't.

I'm also a people pleaser, but know that I deserve better and so do you ❤️

Gingercatlover · 03/11/2025 08:34

UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 02:54

Thanks all, ref people pleasing , yes you’re right this is a trait in me. I recognise this as I get very lonely ( not married or have a partner ) so I do value friendships.
my worry is if I take the perks away and the friendship does end won’t that make me a laughing stock! But how do you know if you don’t try. I hate these games, friendship shouldn’t be like this.

No it will not make you a laughing stock, it will show people that you have boundaries and will not be used by others.

It will show that she is a used and not a friend.

Keroppi · 03/11/2025 08:38

What reason did she give?

Yes definitely stop with the perks, honestly after that conversation she should know you're unhappy with being left out, so if she asks for perks knowing this she's 100% using you and sees you as not that important a friend so is happy to continue on being selfish and letting your feelings be hurt..

OhDearMuriel · 03/11/2025 09:08

Be brave and drop this user. She isn’t your friend, she absolutely taking the piss out of you.

The sky won’t fall in and you will feel a lot lighter in your life without this blatant abuse of your kindness.

You will find genuine friends in time 💐

Sparkletastic · 03/11/2025 09:16

Focus on growing one or two genuine friendships. You talk of being ‘a laughing stock’. Who is in this audience that you think will witness the potential end of a friendship?

Original poster
UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 11:11

i realise i cannot be invited to everything however i feel down as i know that they are constantly going out and making plans with friends and never with me.
in fact the most i get is a tesco pizza if i am lucky

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 03/11/2025 11:14

Dump this person. They are no friend. You say yourself if you stop the freebies the friendship will end, so it’s not a real friendship and not worth having. Be yourself.

SlightlyBruisedApple · 03/11/2025 12:05

UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 02:54

Thanks all, ref people pleasing , yes you’re right this is a trait in me. I recognise this as I get very lonely ( not married or have a partner ) so I do value friendships.
my worry is if I take the perks away and the friendship does end won’t that make me a laughing stock! But how do you know if you don’t try. I hate these games, friendship shouldn’t be like this.

But you’re choosing to engage in the games, OP. Don’t you think that other people want to be around you just for your company?

I value my friendships hugely, too, but all they get is me. No job I’ve ever had has involved any perks whatsoever!

The issue happens if you muddy the waters by trading perks for a relationship — this may attract people who don’t value you for yourself, and of course it suggests you don’t value yourself either, because you think your company isn’t enough in itself. You withdraw the perks, the ‘fruendship’ tails off, and that confirms your sense of yourself as not valuable without free gifts.

But no, I don’t think it makes you a laughing stock. I think it gives you a wake up call about choosing friends you genuinely like, and who genuinely like you, and inviting them to things, not trying to buy your way onto the coattails of someone else’s social life. Best wishes.

Original poster
UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 12:44

thank you, i guess i like the thought of sharing as i also benefitted ie concert tickets etc so it gave me someone to go with , so if i make new friends i would also share to go with them to these events , its hard as i love going with them but also feel the friendship is one sided in the sense of chatting about stuff for example we were talking about weddings and they never said they were going to one next week , why wouldnt you say something or am i being totally unreasonable (i dont want to go ha ha but thought it would just be part of the conversation)

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 03/11/2025 12:52

OP are you asking your friend questions? Do you ask her if she's got any holidays/trips/weddings coming up?

I wonder if she's not mentioning these things for fear of upsetting you as she knows you feel lonely and will be sad to hear.

For me it doesn't sound like a dead friendship as you aren't describing her not being available. You just sound bored of the current status quo.

If I were you I would try to mix things up yourself - ask her if you can go on a night out / to the theatre etc?

Social media makes everything lonelier so suggest having a break and not just watching others highlight reels. It's not healthy.

I agree that you need to look for new friends. Would you join a group? I found lots of friends just from walking the dog!

QueenClinomania · 03/11/2025 12:59

UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 02:54

Thanks all, ref people pleasing , yes you’re right this is a trait in me. I recognise this as I get very lonely ( not married or have a partner ) so I do value friendships.
my worry is if I take the perks away and the friendship does end won’t that make me a laughing stock! But how do you know if you don’t try. I hate these games, friendship shouldn’t be like this.

If anything, buying friendship would make you a laughing stock, putting an end to a user taking advantage would not.
Shes not your friend. Shake her loose. You deserve better.

2GreatFatSquirrels · 03/11/2025 15:29

UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 12:44

thank you, i guess i like the thought of sharing as i also benefitted ie concert tickets etc so it gave me someone to go with , so if i make new friends i would also share to go with them to these events , its hard as i love going with them but also feel the friendship is one sided in the sense of chatting about stuff for example we were talking about weddings and they never said they were going to one next week , why wouldnt you say something or am i being totally unreasonable (i dont want to go ha ha but thought it would just be part of the conversation)

I think this is a bit strange… why would she need to tell you she’s going to a wedding? While it’s not a secret it’s also not vital information. Maybe you expect too much insight into her life?

Original poster
UniqueOpalSwan · 03/11/2025 16:00

Your right that’s my question , am I expecting too much, I guess I just would say ‘oh I’m off to a lovely wedding in xxx ‘ as in have an ongoing conversation but if you think I’m expecting too much I’m happy to take that onboard

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/11/2025 09:35

OP, please stop indulging her. She's a shameless, low effort user. You would not be a laughing stock if she dropped you because she was no longer getting freebie treats but instead would show herself up! And really why would you want someone like this as a friend?