How do I stay cool and detached?

[lamejane]

I’d love any advice on this as I feel like I’m losing my mind. Won’t go into the ins and outs but I know how many wise ladies are on this forum and I’d love some nuggets of wisdom to keep me sane and grounded. I’m back in the dating game after a long marriage and divorce and struggling to not pin my hopes on new guys I meet within just a couple of dates. Rather than just have a cool head and a ‘let’s just see where this goes’ approach I become emotional and attached to people so so quickly. As an example, If they send me a nice text I’ll enjoy it then come back to it an hour later to find something wrong with it or wonder how many others they’ve sent.? I’ll overanalyse comments, overthink everything. I would love to have a more pragmatic approach. I’d love to be able to just go with the flow. I wish more than anything I could just think, well this is nice, or, that was fun.. maybe it will happen again, maybe it won’t. But I can’t. I’m going to ruin any opportunity of meeting someone with this crazy way of thinking. It’s debilitating and draining and sucks the joy out of everything. What if anything can I do about this?
I am starting EMDR therapy in a few weeks as I did something so ridiculous, stupid and shameful a few weeks ago it was a massive wake up call.
But in the meantime….How do I learn the art of detachment?? Please help!!

I would suggest you carry on working on yourself and forget about dating for the time being. Good luck

In all seriousness, I would probably step away from dating until you at least start your therapy and start to feel the positive impact of it.

Or maybe you just simply need more time.

I left my partner about a year ago, and tried to start dating a month or two later, with disastrous results. I just made myself wag more miserable, and even started yearning for my abusive ex.

I left it several months, and have now come back to it in a much better frame of mind. Still not ready for any kind of serious commitment tho (not sure if I will ever want that again). But I have found a lovely FWB, who meets all my needs (physical and emotional - he is there for me day in day out and treats me so respectfully, it's lovely).

Just take it on step at a time. So many people leave one committed relationship and expect to step straight in to another. It rarely goes well.

I'm not suggesting you need to be celibate for years! But maybe a few months, then dip your toe back in slowly, when you are emotionally ready to do that.

And good luck

If you’re having EMDR my first thought is trauma, or significant anxiety or phobia. I would make a start on this as therapy can be like undoing yourself a bit and can leave you vulnerable (therapist and also have had therapy).
Maybe give the dating a break for a bit as it’s a hard process and can be overwhelming and disappointing!

@tragichero thank you for sharing that with me. I think fwb would suit me well.. but then, who am I kidding! I would get attached to him too!! God it’s hard.

@BigOldBlobsyyes significant trauma that needs addressing urgently. Trouble is, I enjoy men’s company. But I guess the 3 of you are right. Probably best to delete the apps and step away for now.

I completely agree that getting back into dating after a previous relationship ends isn’t something to take lightly. Online dating, especially through apps, is a completely different experience as well.

I took over nine months after my separation before stepping back into the dating world. I’m comfortable with who I am and clear about what I want and can offer, but I still find I need to take regular breaks from it.

Some people are lucky enough to find someone who truly fits, while others don’t. You have to make peace with that and be ok that you might be one of the unlucky ones (not comparing yourself can be hard)

I’ve been at it for over two years now and haven’t had anything meaningful come from it yet, aside from a few horror stories. I've met about 7 men total and haven't had more than 3 dates from any. But I still know I'm amazing.
You really have to be able to brush yourself off and keep moving forward. If you can't then it really isn't a good place to put yourself.

It doesn't sound like you're in the right headspace to be dating yet. I'd stick to your therapy for now and work on yourself. Being single for a while and learning to be content with yourself is a good thing.

Tbh my marriage ended 5 years ago ( officially, but in reality long before that.) I’ve had multiple dates, many of whom I’ve not wanted to see again as there was no spark.
My concern is getting so attached to the ones I do like.

@Endofyearyoure probably right

OLD is difficult and you need to be really resilient. If you’re starting therapy and potentially vulnerable you’re more likely to attract someone who isn’t good for you. They’ll see your keenness as a way to manipulate you. I agree you should step back.

It’s so tough, I’m the same way with ones I like. I recently read Detached, Sabrina Alexis Bendory which was helpful but I do think the therapy will also help.

@Brightbluesomething this has actually happened unfortunately.

@iamnotalemonthank god I’m not the only one

Not at all. Also, online dating and the apps are brutal and it’s hard when you’ve been ghosted so many times over the years not to expect someone else you meet to do the same.

How are you finding EMDR? I’ve started it recently too.

I start later this month. Can I ask how it’s going for you so far?

I’ve had emdr and it’s very effective indeed.

Ah @StasisMomthats just what I needed to hear.. thank you!!

@lamejane no problem! I did the shoulder tapping one, no bloody idea how it works but it does. I also agree with PPs - stay away from dating for now, it’ll be better when you’re mentally stronger etc.

Thank you. I’m sure you’re right

I’ve only had a few sessions so too early to tell to be honest.

That’s good to know.

Instead of battling against yourself, maybe put the dating on the back burner until you've got some strageties in place and have done the EMDR and things are feeling a little bit calmer and more manageable?