Sister and happy news

[Saladcreamsandwich]

Any advice from others with similar experience gratefully received.
my DS lives in another country and has done so for over 50 years. She is widowed now and she has adult children who I am very fond of. I try to maintain a relationship of sorts with her as she is my only remaining sibling but it’s difficult.
she won’t travel anywhere or leave her apartment much. She expects all of us to visit her. She will never initiate contact but she expects us to.
I learned some years ago not to get involved in her dealings with the rest of the family (she is always falling out with one or another and if you express any sympathy or opinion that will be twisted and fed back as “well saladcream says that you are behaving badly and unkind to me etc etc”
she is only really interested in talking to me if she is boasting about her immediate family or if I have any bad news.
well I have some nice news atm. DH and I are moving to a new house. I told her this morning by WhatsApp (she won’t answer the phone) and she has just totally ignored me. Nothing.
I feel really upset and angry actually.
should I just ignore her in return? I kind of want to tell her she is behaving badly.

You have to ask yourself what you want out of the relationship. She has her life where she is and you have your life where you are.

I have a similar sort of relationship with my sibling, and tbh i have stopped getting irritated by it. I send info (sibling doesn't use whatsapp or any sm so it is by snail mail) i never get a reply, and i have no idea if it is read. And i have just stopped bothering.

I am the one abroad in this case. I go over to our aged mum when i can, but have given up asking/begging sibling (one hour away from her) to do anything. It is what it is. In your shoes? if you want to keep up contact, keep on sending messages at your usual frequency, with no expectations of it being read or replied to. That's about as much as you can do. Or just stop. And see what happens (be prepared for the relationship to end)

She is how she is. From what you say about her life style - hardly leaving her home - and her relationship with the rest of the family - expecting them to initiate contact and never visiting them - I don't think her reaction to your news is particularly surprising.

I think you need to either accept the way she is and not take her behaviour towards you personally. It actually sounds as though she has possibly mental health issues Or accept that the relationship with her is totally unsatisfactory for you and just not bother contacting her again.

Thanks @ExpatDaughter you are right. I guess what I want is a nice sisterly relationship where she supports me and is happy for me - but why I persist when that never happens is another question!

part of my problem is that I am so fond of her children and I don’t want them to think that I am being unkind to her or cutting her off or anything.

she is very weird with my son. He doesn’t have any contact with her after she acted quite badly towards him and his partner some years ago but although she never ever asks how me and dh are or what we are doing, she often says she has been dreaming about my son (!) and wonders how he is.

Salad

Why do you persist when she does not want to know?. such people like she do not change nor say sorry.

How old are her children? They are living under her roof and influence and they may not be that bothered about you either. How much contact have you had with them in fir example the last 3 years?.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. It’s not your fault your sister is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

And she behaving badly to your son is a bloody good reason why you should have nothing to do with her either.

@AttilaTheMeerkat her children are in their 60s (like me). She is a lot older than me. I am very close to my niece and nephew (particularly my niece). They both live in the same country as my sister, one about 10 miles from her and one at other end of the country but I see them a few times a year and we are in touch. They have their ups and downs with her but try and look after her as best they can (my niece orders all her shopping for example as my sister won’t do that any more). I know they wouldn’t like it if they thought I had cut her off.
i know I am being stupid expecting her to be kind to me - but it makes me angry that she’s so unreasonable - and there are no consequences (because she probably doesn’t care if I have nothing more to do with her).

I would just drop the rope and only have contact if she contacts you. Stop making the effort. Your niece and nephew will understand if they are close to you and they know what their mother is like. I'm surprised you have any contact with her at all, given how she behaves.

ah, @Saladcreamsandwich it does sound tough. But i think in your shoes i would carry on how you are, and lower any expectations that she's going to change or suddenly become the sister you would like her to be.

Keep up contact with her children, and hope for the best. To be honest, when i think about how my own mum is, i would think her children know how she is and i'm sure they don't blame you for anything at all.

It's hard but you can only control what you do.

Congratulations on your new home. She is jealous

Thanks to all for your replies. I’ve decided that’s it for me. I wont be bothered with her any more. And I won’t feel guilty about it either. Thanks for listening.