Advice needed about new relationship

[Literratic]

Hello all. First time poster, reaching out for impartial advice and opinions.

I'm in my early 40s and started dating a guy about 4 months ago.
On paper he's amazing - we have similar values and opinions, music tastes etc. He's very caring and attentive and thoughtful, and takes a genuine interest in my life.

But... there's never been any kind of excitement or butterflies. No passion of any kind. I know this isn't necessarily a vital thing, but it all just feels very...unchallenging, if that makes any sense.

Also, he drinks a lot. I love a drink, but I'm aware of my limits. He seems to want to drink alcohol every time we see each other, which is hugely worrying to me.
He will easily go through an entire bottle of spirits in one night, which is crazy. He isn't an angry or aggressive drunk; but he is irritating and a little childish.
I have had honest discussions with him about this on several occasions, because it's just not healthy and quite frankly, pisses me right off.
He listens but obviously doesn't quite understand my concern, saying he's just letting off steam and what is wrong with that?

He hasn't really taken what I've said on board, despite telling me he is doing.
Our conversations about it become very circular, and I feel I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

The other night (a random Wednesday), we were both drinking, although I only had a couple.
He carried on. He casually brought up that he was surprised that I had 2 lighters in the flat - I don't smoke, so why should I have them?
I answered that they are for lighting candles, he said one lighter is fair enough, but why 2?
Then calmly said he didn't know if I had been "entertaining people who smoke".
I was obviously cross about this, and we proceeded to have an argument about this frankly ludicrous paranoia, he was fairly sloshed and not understanding why I was upset.
He repeated over and over again that having 2 lighters is odd.
I was relatively sober, and very aware that I had done nothing wrong.

He apologised in the morning, and has been lovely and sweet again.
But it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and I am well aware it will likely happen again.

Sorry for the ramble, and I realise there are several problems I've detailed here!

Anyway, I'd really appreciate people's opinions on this, and whether I should stick it out.

Banging your head against a brick wall should not be happening in a brand new relationship. Cut your losses and end it.

4 months in you should still be neck deep in the sunshine lollipops and rainbows phase, not arguing about lighters and having to browbeat him about his ludicrous drinking (and I say that as someone who also loves a drink and is a rampant alcoholic by Mumsnet standards).

For goodness sake life is too short.

You aren’t compatible. He has a drinking problem and it won’t get better.
You probably aren’t feeling butterflies etc because your body is telling you that you aren’t safe around him.

@Literratic listen to your doubts, they are trying to protect you.

He hears what you say but, as he is the only important person in his life, ignores your concerns, which he will dismiss as whingeing.

Accusing you of entertaining people who smoke - he's judging you by his own standards.

The apologies are not him wanting forgiveness, they are him wanting you to shut up and let him carry on as he pleases.

If you are feeling like this after four months, how do you think you'll feel in a year, four years, ten years, by which time you'll be on your knees and he will be even worse than he is now? Please, listen to your doubts

Get rid, you can do better, and I think your subconscious (and the fact you’re worried enough to post here) is warning you off him.

If this is what it is like 4 months in, it is NOT going to improve any. This is who he is. You would not be advising a friend to stick it out so you should take your own advice here and end it by text if necessary. You do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship here.

Bin this drinker off; this is likely why his previous relationships have also ended. He has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and has been drunk around you repeatedly. And his supposed apologies are indeed him not wanting forgiveness but to get you to shut up and let him carry on as he is.

Ask yourself why your relationship bar is this low that this man was allowed into your life at all. Men like this can and do damage boundaries and yours may not have been that strong to begin with.

Fuck that.

Is he really the best you can do?

Why are you putting up with this crap, it’s an utter waste of your time.

So, he’s showing you that he’s a paranoid alcoholic, that likes to make drunken accusations. That will only get worse.

Op 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 every where here,
And excuse me, what if you have friends around who smoke, none of his bloody business, the longer this goes on the worse he will become with drink, that's who he really is op, the mask drops with drink, watch and learn op, as said before thr apology next morning is him putting the mask back on, the lighter conversation is he's insecurities thats him op, walk away, don't entertain him with drink, or let him roll with it because he will and you will see the real person op, educate yourself by watching how this man works, its him with all the flags op,

You’ve only been seeing him for four months and a) there’s no spark, b) you’re concerned about his drinking and c) he’s accusing you of cheating on him because you own a lighter?!

Honestly, this is the sort of thing I’d expect to hear about a relationship that’s soured after 10 years and is only limping along because the couple have kids and a mortgage, not a new relationship! End it. You’re not happy and it’s not going to get any better.

My partner likes a drink and I am not a big drinker. He blows off steam with his mates. He used to do this weekly and be so drunk and hungover next day we couldn’t do anything the next day. In his world drinking was a social activity expected every Friday. I didn’t realise the extent till me lived together. He knew from the start I wasn’t a big drinker so he just did it on a Friday and hid his hangover.

I got annoyed when we lived together and on holidays. We had a massive argument as this wasn’t my life and k didn’t want to watch him get bladdered. He reflected. 3 years later and he still goes out but doesn’t get that drunk. He will have a blow out every few months.

he says he didn’t want to lose me and realised his drinking was unhealthy. He likes that he can function at a weekend now. He compromised. Speak to him and ask if we can have some days or weekends more sober. You can’t change him but he can realise. If nothing changes then your values don’t match.

I didn’t make him change. He wanted to. Have a conversation.

His primary relationship is with alcohol. He's a full-blown alcoholic. Is that the relationship you want for yourself?

Do you even fancy him OP?

Sounds like there’s no spark and you just want to date him because he’s adequate “on paper” but I don’t really see why you’re dating him if you have never felt butterflies or fancied him….? Especially when there are about 3 dumpable offences listed in your post!

Don't let him move in with you, ever.

4 months in it should not be like this and posting on here confirma that. Dump and move on

Jesus, just bin the boozer.