Is he abusing me?

[Petal81]

This is long, so I thank anyone In advance who takes the time to read and respond.
I ended my relationship with my ex DP several months ago due to his alcoholism.
We have a DD who is almost 3yo.
He doesn’t drink every day, but when he does drink (which is at least once a fortnight and goes on for days at a time) he can’t stop and he becomes very chaotic.
He has lost numerous jobs due to his drinking, which left me with the responsibility of providing for us all on my own.
He never had any money, yet always managed to get drunk regularly.
I tried to end out relationship so many times, but was always sucked back in with promises of how he will change etc.
Five days after his latest promise, I finished work and collected our DD from crèche, came home to find him extremely drunk (again).
He hid his bottle of vodka under the bed, and I found it. Confronted him and he said (slurred) it wasn’t his, he wasn’t drinking and I must of put it there.
Our DD has been going though a sleep regression phase, and he told her that if she doesn’t sleep tonight, I would hit her. I told him to leave. He did. (the house is rented in my name only).
Since then, Every day, he is bombarding me with messages begging for a reconciliation. Claiming to have ‘seen the light’ and is now sober, while very obviously intoxicated.
When drunk, he is very verbally & emotionally abusive - calls me names, swears at me, makes false accusations, threatens suicide if I refuse to give him money for more alcohol etc. He does this in the presence of our DD also.
He has never been physically violent but he has threatened me on more than one occasion.
I have told him I am no longer in love with him and don’t want to be with him, several times.
His response is “you do love me, I need you and you need me”.
Because he has managed to talk me around so many times before, he expected it to be the same this time. I have only ever taken him back because he won’t give me any peace until he gets what he wants, and I felt so worn down it just seemed like the easiest option.
I haven’t given in this time. I won’t even allow him to to the house because if I do, he will expect to stay (this has happened many times too).
He starts off with love bombing (telling me I’m the love of his life and best friend etc, and that if I gave him another chance he wouldn’t it up - but he always does, usually within a week).
I remind him I don’t trust him, don’t want to be with him, and aside from the drinking I am no longer in love with him, too much damage has been done.
Then he becomes nasty with name calling etc again.
I have asked him to stop contacting me, blocked him on all messaging platforms other than email so that we can communicate with regards to our DD. But he does the same thing there, and in person when I take our DD to see him.
He will ask me to hold his hand, try to kiss me etc then become verbally aggressive when I refuse. Not on every occasion.
There is no court order at the moment. I have been supervising his contact with DD in a public place, so that if he is drunk, I can take her and leave.
But it has reached the point now where I feel uncomfortable being around him.
I worry about applying for a court order because of the way he minimises his drinking. I’m afraid he will convince the judge I’m exaggerating and he isn’t an alcoholic because he does go a week or two without drinking - usually when I’m around, but when I’m not, he takes the opportunity.
DD adores him, so I don’t want to refuse her a relationship with her father as long as it’s safe and sober. But I don’t feel comfortable supervising it anymore. His parents did it for a while at their house, but they are currently not speaking to him due to another drunken incident.

Sorry OP, I understand it has taken a lot of strength on your part to get to this point. I think you need to cut all contact with you and your daughter for the foreseeable future. He is in denial about his alcoholism, is verbally abusive and has threatened you physically. In my book, that means he is not a safe person to be around you or your child.

The only way I'd be willing to allow contact would be if he admits that he has a problem, enters treatment and can prove that he is able to stop drinking permanently. He would need to be completely sober for at least 6 months for you to believe he is serious about his recovery. It sounds unlikely that he will do this.

OP you’ve been incredibly brave to do what you have done. It might not feel like it right now, but you have saved your daughter from having to witness another second of this. What you are experiencing is classic abuser behaviour, and now that his Mr Charming act is working he will go through the rest of the cycle including what a horrible person you are (you’re not - keep reminding yourself of that) and how life isn’t worth living without you etc… what I do have to say though OP is that the time around a break up is the most dangerous. He is no longer in control and abusers dislike that greatly. Please report his harassment to the police. Seek support from a domestic abuse charity and let your child’s nursery know. If you can, it’s worth considering accepting help from the early support and intervention team in Social Care who can also help
you and your little one through this

@Endofyear nails it.

You don't need to apply for a court order unless a non mol become necessary for his harassment. You just withhold contact due to his alcoholism and wait for him to apply for the court order, which he is quite possibly too deep in his addiction to do so.

And then (speak to a solicitor) but do try to ensure that any order for contact includes a requirement for him to prove successful completion of a rehab programme and attending regular ongoing addiction recovery support, including only supervised contact to start with and regular blood/breath tests on pick up and drop back if he ever did apply for a court order for contact.

@Endofyear

He goes through phases of admitting his alcoholism. He went to our local community drug and alcohol team who prescribed him disulfrum and referred him for counselling.
He took the medication but still drank on it. Never bothered going to the counselling sessions.
He admits he has an alcohol problem when he sobers up after his latest bender and is feeling sorry for himself.
Then come the “I don’t mean to be like this, I want to change and I will do whatever it takes” - A week or two later, he’s drinking again and saying he can take it or leave it.
Says he would never get drunk in sole care of our DD, yet also tells me every time he ends up drunk, it was unplanned, unexpected and he had no control over it.
Our DD wasn’t very well one day and he was supposed to be on call incase the nursery rang for her to be collected, as I was in work.
He went to the pub and got drunk.
He has snuck drink into the home while i was out, and myself and DD have had to return home to him in disgusting states.
But because she wasn’t in his sole care, he seems to minimise these incidents and claims that she is his priority.
He doesn’t drink in front of me, to give off the illusion that he’s trying. But as soon as I’m not there, he takes the opportunity.
He’s very inconsistent in wether or not he accepts he’s an alcoholic.
When he wants me to feel sorry for him, he is. “It’s an illness that he has no control over.”
But when he’s angry at me for not tolerating it anymore, he’s “not an alcoholic, can take it or leave it, and I’m just playing the victim”.
I have never known him to stay sober for any longer than two weeks.
When he IS sober, he’s a different person - great with our DD. But he doesn’t stay sober.

@unrsnblyannoyd
I have already spoken to the nursery.
They said because he is on the birth certificate and there is no court order, he has a right to collect her without my permission.
But because I have shown them some of the abusive messages (including suicide threats), they have reason to believe she wouldn’t be safe in his care and therefore are able to refuse to release her to him.
I never really thought about it as a method of control. He actually calls me controlling, when the only thing I ever tried to control was his drinking because he clearly couldn’t.
But I’ve realised now that is isn’t my responsibility to try and keep him sober, I can’t watch over him 24:7 to make sure he isn’t drinking and not should I feel like I have to.

Thank you for your advice.
My only worry about withholding contact while I apply for the court process though, is being accused of alienation.

How could you be accused of alienation?. He may perhaps just use that as a stick to beat you with. He is your common or garden drunken abuser and you seem still very much afraid of him and his reactions. He is also projecting his own self onto you; HE is the controlling one here, not you.

I would also be contacting Womens Aid for their advice.

I would further withhold contact and see if he bothers to go to court re access to his child. Don't forget that his primary relationship is still with drink so not you or his child. She does not also warrant such a poor male model in her life. You need to show her both male and female decent role models. I do not think your daughter adores him; she could be as afraid of him as you are but does not want to see you being upset.

It is best for both you and your daughter to be out of his life completely because this is who he is and thankfully you've now realised you are not responsible for him. You never were responsible for him. Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

Yes he is abusing you, and he is also abusing your dc.

Please keep yourself and your child safe and away from this despicable man.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I worry about being accused of alienation because I’ve read so many articles stating that it goes against you in court if you deny a parent access to their child, when there is no custody order in place.
So I have been supervising the contact, only when I know he is sober however.
If he has been drunk, I have immediately removed myself and DD from the situation. Including incidents where I have called the police to remove him from outside my house when he has turned up unannounced and drunk, demanding to be let in and refusing to go away when asked.
It’s just that even when he is sober, he is using the visitation to try and convince me to reconcile. Guilt trip’s telling me he can’t get sober without me and needs my support (although never got sober when he did have me to support him) .. I’m just sick of it all now. I have told him over and over I don’t love him and was unhappy with him, but he doesn’t seem to care as long as he has me to put a roof over his head and feed him when he leaves himself penniless. He claims to love me, but clearly doesn’t care about my happiness at all.
DD asks for him now & again, and gets excited when she see’s him, so I feel too guilty to deny her seeing her father providing he is sober at the time.

The only good to have come out of your union at all was your child.

Never reconcile with this drunkard. He is not worthy of you or his child because he will continue to ruin your lives. He just wants you around to prop him up and or otherwise enable him in his drinking. He uses you like he uses the drug rehabilitation team who sent him for counselling (which he did not attend, no surprise there).

Do you think he feels a guilt as to how he has treated you and in turn your child?. No not a bit of it. You only feel guilty because you are a reasonable and nice person whereas he is not. Guilt is a useless emotion in this case and it must not guide you.

Use distraction on your child and take her to nice places and do nice things with her. If she asks about her father tell here he is busy or not coming today.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?. If she keeps on seeing her drunken father out of your misplaced guilt at she not seeing him that could well have a lasting impression on her re men in her own relationships as an adult.

Where are your parents and family here Petal; if your parents are nice and are emotionally healthy then further foster relations with them. Your child absolutely needs nice and emotionally healthy male and female role models in her life. That does not include her drunkard father. He will never be sober and shows no indication whatsoever that he wants to address his alcoholism.

The man is never sober but is always on a comedown from alcohol.

@Petal81 id send a txt telling him very clearly… He doesn’t contact you unless sober and it’s about daughter. That you are over and he’s not to come near your home again.
Also if he keeps up with the harassment you will report to the police and get an order to keep him away.

What’s age is dd? I think you need to start weaning her “off” him he doesn’t sound like he will ever sort himself out and you can’t allow your dd to be messed up in the process.

You don’t contact the court , allow him to do so and then Go for supervised visits in an allocated centre.

You need to toughen up , sadly he will never be the dad you are hoping your dd will have.
He won’t have a leg to stand on in court I wouldn’t worry myself with that .

@AttilaTheMeerkat
Thank you for that. I needed to hear some hard truths, because he has a way of making me feel like I’m the unreasonable one and he’s the victim because what he does is something he doesn’t have any control over.
I know it’s all rubbish, he manages to go without alcohol just fine when I’m around, so he could do the same when I’m not - if he actually really wanted to.
I think the ‘help’ he asked for is something he was using as a tool to keep people feeling empathy for him, doing what he needed to do to convince everyone he was trying.
It’s all a front to keep people in his life, so that he always has someone to rely on for a place to stay, food etc.
He says he feels guilty/remorseful after every incident when he sobers up and is feeling sorry for himself because nobody (including his own family) wants much to do with him anymore.
I used to fall for the apologies, but the same cycle has been repeating for two years now. Too many times to believe any of his apologies are genuine anymore.
If you’re truly sorry for hurting someone you say you love, you go out of your way and do everything possible to make sure it doesn’t happen again. That isn’t the case with him though.
He would be nice, attentive, helpful for the first few days - then back to spending his days sat on the sofa playing games on his phone, while I did the cooking, cleaning, majority of the childcare etc - then as soon as I go to work or take DD to visit family for the day, that’s his opportunity to get drunk. Again.
He says it happens then because he suffers with depression and can’t handle being left alone because he overthinks.
Which then had an affect on my life, because I felt like i had to be with him 24/7 to make sure he didn’t drink. I felt like his carer/parent, not his partner.

You were his codependent enabler. Never be this again to him.

He’s both a consummate liar and master manipulator whose thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

He’s likely to be self medicating any depression he may or equally not have (abusers often use depression as an excuse for their abusive behaviour) with alcohol but that is also a depressant. Clearly this is not a person you should subject yourself to, let alone your child. If he’s at all bothered about seeing his child he should be going to court.

@Imbusytodaysorry
I’ve done that. Blocked him on all messaging platforms, social media. The only line of communication left open is via email.
But he still sends the abusive messages there, despite me telling him not to contact me unless it’s about DD.
He will use DD as a reason to start a conversation, but will always manage to somehow twist things and find a reason to start an argument.
Yesterday for example, he informed with no prior arrangement or agreement, that he would be at the train station to see our DD in 45 minutes, and that if I wasn’t there, it would be “another thing to add to his file to show DD when she’s older that he tried, but I denied him access”.
Yesterday was my late grandmothers birthday, and our family were spending it at her graveside. I informed him I was busy and that he needs to prearrange contact with DD, not just expect me to be available with 45 minutes notice or expect that I am going to sit at home all day, every day on the off chance that he might ask to see her.
Then came the accusations that I’m playing games, denying him access to his child, saying I’m spiting our DD, a threat to get drunk and it was my fault (although I’m confident he was already drunk from the way he was speaking to me), calling me names etc - it’s just relentless.
DD is only 2yo, three in a couple of months.

So he's even threatening to get drunk on purpose and tells you that if he does, then it will be your fault?

That is blackmail, pure and simple. He is basically attempting to coerce you into doing what he wants, and if you don't comply, then he is very good at making you feel like you are responsible for the consequences.

100% abusive behaviour from him there.

This man could be my father. I was your 5 year old daughter with a father who didn’t drink every day but when he did he was drunk for days. He was abusive and became violent (he never directed his violence at me). I am in my late 50’s and have been told I probably have CPTSD due to the trauma incurred.

It’s entirely up to you whether you allow this to happen to your daughter.

@barskits
Yes. His exact words were -
“You made me do this. Getting drunk is my art, and believe me I’m about to paint my masterpiece”
I am confident he was already drunk while saying it. It doesn’t sound like someone who is apparently committed to getting sober, as he repeatedly claims, does it?!
There have been times where he has threatened suicide if I don’t take him back etc.
When we were still together, there was an incident where I had come home to him drunk, he asked me for money (to go buy more drink) - and when I refused, he put his belt around his neck and locked himself in the bathroom threatening to hang himself. My DD was present for this and was about 18 months old at the time.
I told him to leave, he wouldn’t, so I rang the police and they removed him. There’s also been an incident since we split where he told me he had taken an overdose and started sending me goodbye messages. I was worried, and I knew where he was staying so I called the police and asked them to do a welfare check. They called me back and said he was fine, no sign of an overdose, just very drunk.

Block him on all channels. He is indeed a master manipulator who has threatened suicide previously. Of course he had no intentions of doing that. Again it was manipulation of you by he . This is all being done by him as “punishment” to you for having the gall to leave him, this perfect specimen.

He is truly a despicable human being.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
I going to have to I think.
He has literally just emailed me again (first time for today) saying “we move on together or never do, you pick”
I responded saying “never do”
and his reply was “biggest mistake you’ve ever made”.

Do not respond further; that door or communication needs to be closed. Now block him.

Use the police to protect you from him if you feel threatened.

I would look into obtaining a non molestation order against him. Seek legal advice asap and contact Womens Aid.

He is threatening you.
You need to contact the police on 101 and report him.
You have proof.
Ask for it to be logged.
Ask to speak to the duty Sargent if you are brushed off.
This is a bad man.
Take him seriously.

Do not allow him through your door.
Get a video bell asap.
Tell family and friends about his threats.
Stay safe.

Do you need to ask?

Oh my goodness OP this made me want to cry for you.

My first H was an alcoholic. And I won' t lie I was sucked into the drinking world. We were in our early 20s and no children involved.
But the world of alcohol abuse is a different reality. Drinking is the whole centre and point of existence. And the picture of your H putting a belt round his neck, with his child present, just conjours up the nightmare that alcohol abuse creates.
I'm just so sorry you are in this position. One morning after yet another night of drink I walked out with nothing. But I could do that because I had no children.

Please stay strong and do the right thing for you and your child.

@Fiftyandme
Yes, because although I’m aware it’s manipulative and abusive behaviour, I was unsure if this sort of thing would count as abuse from a legal perspective.
My ex has always had a clever way to twist things and make me question wether it really was me being unreasonable, using his ‘illness’ as a crutch to make me feel guilty for leaving him over something he apparently has no control over. He has made me doubt reality many a time. He’s even suggested it’s me who needs to seek help for my mental health. Now after reading everyone’s comments, I have the confidence to stand tall and say yes it is categorically abuse. He’s a narcissist who tries to twist reality for his own gain, and doesn’t care about the affects it has on anyone else.