My last post was about me saying he wants a divorce over something I said. Back story is, he shouted at me, told me he bad enough of me and called me a lier. Then apparently on the same day when he told me to go coffee with him it was because he wanted to talk about what happened but I assumed he was gonna act like nothing happened so I refused.
Next morning after seeing no effort to fix what he did, I got really pissed and told him I also had enough of his stupid breakdowns etc and compared his anger to his brother who he dislikes. (Bere in mind, while ago I must’ve said if I was ‘your bros wife’ would’ve left that marriage long ago, she’s only staying coz she’s got no where to go’)
After my defence, he wanted to breakup, because I compared him to his brother, apparently he thought about what I said while ago and decided that I was feeling miserable in this marriage and by ending it he was doing me a favour, that it was gonna be difficult at first but I will be happy afterwards etc. He also told me that I can stay at home with him he’ll look after us (we also have a child together) but the marriage is no longer valid.
Upon hearing this, I packed my stuff and he didn’t flick a finger. I had 2 huge bags, and my toddler leaving the house to go council for homelessness. I dragged the bags under the rain, tryna manage emotions, my toddler, the bags and tryna process what just happened. I was determined not to go back to him.
I was at the council from 12’ish to 17:00 with him, I had nothing to eat until next day. I fed my toddler. Whilst I was there he only messaged me what we’re up to when we were about to leave. My mil found out and she kept calling me to come back. He then messaged me again saying dinner is ready don’t me late.
They ended up putting me in a temporary accommodation for the weekend, went there and it was really disgusting. I managed to settle in etc but the room was soooo hot coz it had central heating, windows didn’t open. I had to lick what I spat and told him to pick us up until Monday, when I can go back to council for the rest of the paperwork etc. Whilst I was there, I went through roller coaster of emotions, where I was feeling neutral and where I was also feeling so much pain, crying my eyes out. I didn’t wanna divorce, I loved my husband but I didn’t deserve any of the things I had to encounter. And hour by hour it was getting worse and made it more difficult for me to forgive him especially when he felt no remorse.
He came, picked us up. Put my toddler to sleep. We never spoke. I tried sleeping but I realised I was sweating too much, was panicking. Got up and sat inside, he woke up around 5’ish to go for his daily run and told me to go back to sleep. Then he said why you up, go back to bed again. I said my heart is in pain. He stood there helpless/thinking what to do etc. He went for his run came back to see me on the couch again, he asked again why can’t you sleep and I said the same thing. He then sat next to me stretched his arm towards me around the couch as if he was gonna come for a hug. He said do you even want this to work out after all thats happed. He said we’ll speak in the morning and we went to bed together.
I couldn’t resist and told him can I hug him while sleeping coz I was in so much pain, he pulled me closer and we slept. In the morning we spoke about it, but during our conversation I was neutral, I had no pain or panic etc. I kinda accepted all the excuses he gave to why he allowed me to leave, and he didn’t say anything or feel sorry at any of the stages whiles I was going through all that emotional mental breakdown. We made up. But today, the next day, I woke up with so much questions in my head, like I still don’t think I deserved any of this treatment, he showed no regret about the things that happened. It feels like I tried to make this work, I forgot about my own pain make him believe that I love him and I’m back and tried to make him stay with me. But he hasn’t done anything to win me back. I’m so puzzled, I don’t know how to think properly, what I should’ve done. I still don’t want to end the marriage but I don’t feel happy knowing he allowed me to go through this.