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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is it contempt in relationship

5 replies

footcream · 01/11/2025 23:27

I have been in a bad relationship for way too long. Sorry a bit long but I want to paint the picture. I can not even call it a relationship. There is an age gap and a lot of incompatibility including intelectual. Let's not go into detail why I am in it as that is not the topic of this thread. When we met years ago DP was trying to impress me and I genuinely felt we connected but only later when I was way too deep involved (and unable to easily extract myself) I realised it was all a bit false. I am an avid reader and have a lot of books. I would go to bookstores and spend hours there (he would deliberately wait outside), I would be intrested in authors evenings etc. I do like talking about certain topics etc. I have two university degrees and a third one which i did not complete. When we met and he invited me to this place first time, the irck was massive TV but no books. My DP has not read one book in the years we have been together. When we started living together and I asked him if I can put my books on his empty bookcase, he was ok about it until one time he told me that my books bend his bookcase. They did not, as it was a strurdy piece of furniture and purpose build bookcase. When we moved again I did not put the books back on that bookshelf. It is empty. When he talks about me, he likes dropping into the conversation my education as if by association it elevates him. I never talk about my education, I feel it is unnecessary. Unless of course someone asks. Few times DP mentioned that his DS is very skilled in psychology and studied psychology; I was very puzzled knowing from DP that the DS had problems at school and never went to university. DP clarified that DS studied psychology at school and I was even more perplexed as how much of a skill could he have learned and developed at the age of 16. I was told he is very talented in the topic and did study at 16. When I met the DS nothing matched and I shall leave it at this. I, however studied Psychotherapy and Councelling and the other day I actually showed DP my university photo ID pass. He completely dissmissed it. We often talk a lot about DP parents situation with dementia and I offer support and empathy which is always met with brisk and cold dismissal. He has mentioned yet again how his DS studied psychology at school and is very well skilled to offer support. For clarity the DS was always in need for support himself, had serious depression and other psychosomatic problems. I can not imagine what the psychology lessons could be at school age 16. Perhaps a bit of theory and history but certainly nothing that would qualify under UKCP. My point here is that I feel he holds contempt towards me. He dismisses anything that is of any intelctual value that is initiated by me. Whether it is a comment, recommendation, opinion, suggestion, or simply sharing a thought. Anything. He actually told me he is not intrested in my opinion. He finds it uncomfortable if I am in a middle of a conversation and he has nothing to say. If I ask him anything his answer always is "I dont know". My point is - due to my studies - there are many books on psychology, theory, clinical etc that i own, there is my ID and notebooks and of course my knowledge yet he ignores all that and gloates over the DS few lessons. His friend once told me (which I was very surprised) that he finds it odd us together as what do we talk about? The truth is we do not talk about anything other than news, weather, and just passing comments. There is nothing vibrant and stimulating. Would you take this behaviour around DS and my studies as contempt or not?

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 01/11/2025 23:52

OP, clearly your DP wants to “big up” such learning as he thinks his DS has. I don’t actually think he’s being contemptuous towards you - he wants to believe that his DS can help, and while he might be dismissive of your qualifications, you said he drops into conversation the fact that you are educated. I really fail to understand why on earth you should think he would be at all interested by your university ID pass - you say he “dismissed” it - what did you want him to say or do? You also say there is an intellectual incompatibility between you and your DP, yet you must have known that from the outset. You describe it as a “bad relationship”, so maybe it’s time to consider where you go from here. Contempt is a very destructive emotion, and I don’t think this is what your DP is displaying - clearly education is important to you but not to him, at least not for himself, yet he likes the idea of it, hence talking about your qualifications and claiming proficiency in psychology for his DS. You seem upset by his attitude, and talk of your incompatibility - so what are you proposing to do about it?

footcream · 02/11/2025 00:33

Early days DP tried to impress me, it was only later (too late) to see through. There can not be any proficiency in psychology for someone who had few theory lessons at 16 vs a postgraduate university study path. As for the ID - I wanted to show him that there is a history of proper studying and for him to at least acknowledge it. Usually people (in my circle) tend to ask (with genuine interest) for few details as "what made you decide to choose this path at the time' 'what was the most intresting part of your studies' etc.

OP posts:
BestieNo1 · 02/11/2025 00:44

You’re intellectually superior to him and he doesn’t like it or studying. Can he actually read or is he dislexic and covering up? Sorry but you’re not intellectually compatible. Your brain is one of your sexiest organs and needs stimulating so maybe best to move on ? Xx

Hallywally · 02/11/2025 00:55

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Is he kind, funny, loyal, good at fixing things etc? Intellectual compatibility is important but people are more complex than their academic prowess. However, it sounds like you have a deep disdain for each other and I’m not sure why you’re still together. You won’t elaborate on that point but life is definitely too short, particularly as it doesn’t sound like you have any children together?

Pryceosh1987 · 02/11/2025 01:07

To talk about different and personal things you must learn to trust each other.

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