I think my is DH autistic? I know nothing about this, would appreciate help

[LittleRedSuitcase]

He shows signs of definitely being autistic, but since I don't really know very much about ASD I really don't know if he is. I shall list some of his behaviours to see if they ring ny bells for anyone.
1)He is desperately impractical, everything he tries to do is clumsy and rushed. He opens a bag of bread by tearing the middle of the bag, he decides to move a plant in the garden (despite agreeing he wouldn't) by pretty much pulling it up by its roots.
2) If I need him to do something, I have to consider every aspect of the task and explaining in detail exactly what needs to be done, and even then he will not seem to manage the task. I asked him to buy a piece of lamb steak from the butchers a smallish piece just big enough for the dc. He came bck from the butchers with bag of stewing steak having asked the butcher for lamb for two small children. He has major difficulties listening or hearing me and appears to switch off very quickly.
3) If we make an arrangement I need to reiterate it and even sometimes ask him to write it down so that he remembers that it hs been made, and then it is as if he works through the arrangement in his mind, brings new information in to the equasion without discussion and unilaterally cancells the arrangement. None of this is discussed, but when the arrangement is discussed he is amazed that I believe it to still be in place.
4) He sees things in very black and white ways, I haave taught myself not to criticise people or their actions because if I was to say, for instance, Brian didn't seem to help Hilda with the kids when they were leaving the house, he will almost see that as my saying that Brian is a twat and be quite happy to have a bitch fest about Brian.
5) He is a big football fan and has no difficulty in social situaations when football can be discussed, and also at work, but outside of work or football friendly environment, he struggles socially and would prefer to run around after the kids than to chat to someone or meet new people. He hides behind them quite a lot when he can. However being sociable is a key aspect of his job and he is brilliant in a work situation.
6) He has a great job which he loves, and which he is brilliant at. He works extremely hard and is well rewarded.
7) He is constantly trying to understand his place in the world, in ways which seem child like. He is desperate to compare his behaviour/job/parenting with that of other people.
8) Sex with him is odd, he does not feel connected to me during sex. He is a dreadful lover. When we are not ctually having sex, he is very unaffectionate, and would not kiss me on the lips, if I was to touch him, his back or chest, he recoils, cringes almost.
9) When he comes in from work, it is like a cold wind blows through the home, he is very unfriendly, as if he finds it hard to adjust to the new environment, and finds mess of disorganisation very difficult to deal with.

I could go on and on, the list feels endless, but I can't believe I got to 9 so easily. So sorry if this is garbled. He has recently been doing those 'are you dyslexic' type tests on the internet and each one has said that he is likely to be. I am in the process of persuading him that he needs to get assessed, but in my heart, I don't know if this will be best for him. I think he will be embarrassed, and it could hold him back. We don't have a great relationship, mainly because of the above. I f we were to seperate I worry that he would be alone nd find it hard to meet someone else, especially if he had a diagnosis of ASD.
I don't know, I just feel like I'm reeling from all this, it is only a few weeks ago that it even crossed my mind that he may have ASD but now it seems so obvious that he does, I can't believe I didn't realise sooner.
HELP!!!

From the things you have listed, I initailly thought that sounds more like dyspraxia, hmm maybe dyslexia, and then,that just sounds like a bloke.

Some of them could fit with ASD but not on thier own.

There is alot of co morbidity with all these conditions and you are more likley to have signs of one if you have a dianosis of another. This is unsuprising as the symptoms are overlapping.

I wonder though how any diagnois, of ASD, or anything else would help you or him.

It might, if he feels that he needs an exlanation, or if it would make accpeting his behaviours easier for you, but really he will just be the same man with the same personality whteher you get the descrptive label or not.

You need to consider this together.

What was he like when you were getting together, presumably when cupid's arrow was stuck fast and you were blind to any of this?

And what do you know about his upbringing?
Do his parents or other family members have any concerns?

I agree with LBDD, but if you did get an assessment to closely identify his difficulties, then you could both learn strategies to cope with them. So although it might be upsetting / embarrassing, etc, it might be worth it in the long run.
What about going to talk to your GP as a starter?

What difference would it make if he was diagnosed? Would it change anything? I suspect not.

Can I be both honest and possibly a little flippant. Being flippant, it does rather sound, with the exception of the sex which may have it's own separate explanationg, like he's just being a bloke(and that's speaking as a bloke). That's not entirely flippant, if you look through the postings on MN alone you'll see many of the things you describe as being complained about - certainly several of the points you mention (being unsociable, not following apparently simple tasks, being competitive, screwing up basic arrangements) are frequently mentioned. I'd also add from my perspective that these things are things that a lot of guys either don't do or, perhaps more accurately, don't do to the satisfaction of their partners!

Being less flippant, from what very little I know about ASD, it's a very long scale and that a lot of people, particularly men, can find a place somewhere along the scale around the bottom end (i.e. very mild ASD) - the fact that they're not diagnosed with it is that, I guess, it doesn't actively impair their lives and that historically, mild ASD hasn't been picked up on (or perhaps been thought of as worthy of treatment).

I'm not sure being on the Autism spectrum is something to be embarassed about. Would you be embarassed if he was found to be Autistic to any extent?

It sounds as though you could make practical changes to overcome small problems
eg Keep kitchen scissors in the breadbin for cutting open the bread wrapper. Writing lists for shopping. And the rest of the stuff sounds like a communication breakdown between you. Like a power struggle manifested in moving a plant?

How long have you been together?

He sounds like a devoted dad which is worth a million breadwrappers ripped in the wrong place.

LittleRed

My good friend's DS and DH both have Aspergers. She firmly believes that my DH also has it, I think she could well be right!

My DH exhibits many of the behaviours that you listed but also some obsessive sequencing stuff - he will not read his newspaper until the train has pulled out from the station, even if the train was delayed by 30 mins(or more) and there was a football story that he was desperate to read.

He HAS to get dressed, do ablutions in the correct order or it throws him for the whole day.

He travels a great deal for his job (which incidently he is great at but struggles to delegate) and has funny obsessive routines about kepp checking his tickets, passport and wallet also once on the plane has some pretty bizarre rituals too!

When he was a child he spent years sleeping with only a tinfoil emergency blanket, I always thought this odd but when I was looking up some stuff about SN (for my DS) I found a site that supplies these and recommends them for ASD children who may exhibit tactile sensitivity.

He accepts he has some social skills problems, some serious praticallity/common sense issues and jokes about being like X and X (our friend and his DS) I've never taken it further as what will happen?

My DD (8) has a particular affinity with ASD children, many friends she has made for herself (at least 4) have aspergers. She herself has a few quirks - I blame DH!

Thank you for reading all that.
Lavenders, yes I know what you mean, I often wonder if it's just blokish behaviour, but honestly if it is, he is much much worse than any bloke I hve ever met or heard of, and he really does try sometimes, at least I think he does. Which behviours do you think could relate to ASD dyspraxia or dyslexia? You sound like you know your stuff, I really appreciate your input.
Suzywong, Cupid's arrow was never stuck fast unfortuately, but that's a whole other thread. Just fell in to the relationship, hadn't met anyone else for years, didn't end it and now we're here.
The future doesn't look like it's going to be together in the very long term if I'm honest, but in the medium term, a diagnosis and consequent counselling may help us to find coping and managing strategies to make life easier, and who knows, if that works, we may be able to think about the longer term?? I take the point that there's no real point, but it may make life easier???

OK cestlavie, I take the point, you're right that it could be just blokish behaviour.
Swedes, no of course I would't be embarassed, it would explin a lot, and it wouldn't be my information to pass on, I think he might be embrassed by it. I'm sorry I didn't mean to cause offence by saying that. You're right, he is a devoted father, he's brilliant. I should write that on a note in my pocket and read it 100x a day. He's great.
Marmaduke, thank you, thata was aa very interesting post. afaik he doesn't have any obsessions or compulsions.

LRS

It's very much a could be. Hard for anyone who has not met and talked to you and your DH to really say. I'd agree with Lavenders in that I was thinking Dyspraxia at first. Also her point about comorbidity. Other considerations are ADHD and language disorder (not ruling out ASD). If you and your husband are interested in exploring be aware it can be hard to find someone who has experience with adults (some areas better than others). Some GPs knowledgeable, some very much not. Worth trying contacting National Autistic Society and the Dyspraxia Foundation for advice, also a Clinical Neuropsychologist or a Speech & Language Therapist.

Diagnosis of these types of conditions can be useful as there are practical ways of coping with difficulties and also helps (to an extent) to remove feelings of blame/guilt.

Good Luck.

There are some similarities there with my dh who has AS. Thoughts that come to mind from reading your post are:

• His surprise that you don't know when he's changed plans without telling you: If you google for "theory of mind" you will find a lot of info about this. It's taken years for me to get my dh to realise that I can't read his mind. Another typical dh thing is for him to ask out of the blue something like "So do you think it's a good idea or not?", without first telling me what the idea is. He's just read this over my shoulder, laughed, and told me to add his habit of suddenly continuing a conversation that we'd had 3 days before, without seeming to realise that time has moved on in those 3 days.

• Being in a bad mood when he gets home: Dh finds the transition hard. We have an agreement that he gets to follow a routine of having 10-15 minutes 'down time' where he does his own thing when he gets home.

• Not seeming to hear/listen: With my dh I've learned to make sure that I have his full attention before speaking to him. (Ds1 who has ASD is also the same in this respect). Otherwise I just end up having to repeat it several times over.

• Everything being black or white: There are no shades of grey in dh's world either. He likes/needs logic and it seems to follow on from this.

I agree with looking at the resources on the NAS site for information. If your dh is already trying to find out why he is the way he is then it sounds as though he's realised that he feels different to other people. My dh found out about his own AS when ds1 was being assessed for ASD and found that it was actually a relief to know. OTOH I have a relative who almost certainly has AS but would probably be very much in denial if someone were to suggest the idea to him.