Asking for advice on behalf of dd

[Advicefordd]

Dd is mid twenties.
She has just split up from her partner. 2 dc.
They rent and he’s gone back to his family.
Both work full time minimum wage jobs.

She wants to stay in the house if she can.
I can contribute to support her for a short time but not forever.

We have offered her a place with us but understandably she wants to stay near dc school/nursery/her job/friends. We are just over an hour away so not too far but I understand why she would prefer to stay if she can.

Mumsnet are always advising to get your ducks in a row but what does that mean?

What would you advise your grown up dc?

** She wants support, I’m not interfering and she’s aware that I’m posting (hence name change).

Her options are limited. Does she claim benefits she's entitled to? Are they both on the tenancy agreement? If she can't afford the rent, she won't be able to remain in the property and other than CM (which will be minimal on minimum wage) he doesn't have to pay anything. I think moving home was a generous offer and one she should be accepting.

Thank you @Waitaminutewheresmejumper . She’s not looked into claiming anything yet as it’s all very new. Currently she receives child benefits for both dc but that’s it. She’s doing this on Monday.
I had a quick look and it looked like she may be entitled to universal credit and single person council tax? We are going through costings next week but I think it’s unlikely that she will receive enough to support herself.
I didn’t think to ask if both are on the tenancy but will ask tomorrow.

Thank you.

I have just remembered that he is unlikely to be on minimum wage now as he got a promotion (not that I suppose that it matters that much).

She will be entitled to UC and single person council tax reduction. The housing benefit element is generally a set amount which is determined by the area she lives, so may not cover her full rent, but some of it.

Some district councils get funding for discretionary council tax reductions. This is something she would need to apply for directly if funding is available. Info is normally located on district's website.

If she isn't already receiving it, there is help with childcare costs. This can be done through Universal Credit.

If she is entitled to UC, it won't be paid straight away, so it's great that you can support with some of her costs. She may be able to get an upfront advance payment for something like rent if it is due and she has no way to pay it. Automatic deductions would be taken out of her UC to pay it back.

I assume DC's dad will be contributing towards their financial needs? There is a CM calculator on the government website which can give her an idea of how much the children could be entitled to. Easier if your DD and her ex can come to a private agreement.

It might be very financially tight for your DD depending on her outgoings.

I hope she gets it sorted soon.

@LomotheGreat that’s really helpful, thank you!

I would hope that he will contribute, he’s a good dad.

The sooner she lets the council know she is the only occupant over the age of 18, the better as they don't tend to backdate things.

She should be entitled to a 25% discount so it's worth doing.

She also needs to make sure there are no outstanding bills in his name linked to the house, or bills that are his that are under her name (e.g. mobile phones on a joint account), so that it's only her bills that she is responsible for.
Same for previously joint bills like her tenancy or utilities.
Make sure any money for his share of bills is paid and they are changed to only be in her name.

Best to quietly change passwords on things like Netflix, emails, make sure you don't have a joint Amazon account etc.. as it's better safe than sorry later - not all originally amicable splits remain that way in the long term.

If she is entitled to Universal Credit it's also best to apply sooner rather than later.
They backdate to the day you make your claim and there are weeks you don't get paid for at the beginning.

I have no idea how the childcare things works, but it's likely to be the same so don't put it off for weeks as it may turn out she is losing money during that time.

@Troublein thank you, I’ll go through that with her tomorrow.

They have arranged to talk so I think that she’s hoping that it will all blow over and he will return. She’s really strong and sensible but I worry.

Best for her to figure out how she can support herself and children properly in future. Even if they get back together this is a sensible thing to do! Would she rather control her own destiny or be beholden to a man’s whims?

So assuming she doesn’t want to be on minimum wage forever… what does she intend to do career/job-wise long term? Does she have any qualifications? What could she study next to make the next step up? Is there a promotion/next step up at work she could work towards?

“Getting ducks in a row” is a MN term.

I think it usually is aimed at married people urging them to get together details of finances, savings and assets before filing for divorce. To avoid a situation where the husband / wife may hide assets if they know a divorce is pending.
The difference being that divorce involves the division of marital assets.

I don’t think this applies as much here other than to check if DP is still on rental agreement and to check child maintenance arrangements.
Hope it works out for your dd.

@Hurumphh I agree. Definitely a conversation in the near future. She does have a career goal and we’ve looked in to how to get there (it’s related to what I do) but she wants to wait until both dc are in school.

If they are currently affording to rent on minimum wage jobs, it sounds like the area they live in isn't too exorbitant?

(Not being sniffly about their jobs at all, by the way - fair play to them - sounds like they are both grafters).

If she will struggle to afford the rent on her own, which sounds likely, I guess her options are:

To sub-let a room (not easy, with kids - unless she has a friend or trusted aquaintance looking for somewhere? This is assuming there is a spare room, of course).

Look for a smaller, cheaper place in the same area? Flats are often cheaper, for example.

Take on more work - but that sounds tricky given she is full time already. Is there instead a promotion she could push for?

Ask her ex to contribute a significant amount in order to keep the kids in the home they know. But this is tricky as I assume she wants him to be able to afford somewhere at least decent enough to have the kids over for however often they agree.

Will they go for a 50/50 childcare split? In my opinion that's best for the kids if he is a decent dad. But it doesn't help DD financially. But that has to come second to the kids' right to a decent relationship with both parents.

Would they consider cohabiting as a separated couple, at least for the time being?

Or doing the "nesting" thing I have heard of on here - moving out when they don't have the kids, and back in for the time they do? So she could live with you during the periods he has the kids, in the family home?

Hope they manage to sort something that works for them and the kids. I am pleased she has you in her corner - you sound like a sane, rational and loving mother/granny.

@ownturmericgrower thank you.

@tragichero thsnk you, just about to go to bed but will read properly in the morning as you’ve made some really good points/suggestions to discuss with her. Thanks.

Financially, depends on if she will be getting CMA from him

Its good to be supportive as much as we can. I think its good to take it as it comes, and in time she will see the need to move out in her own place. Either that, or when it is time keep mentioning it to her.