DESPERATE FOR HELP AND ADVICE

[sarajka]

2 weekes ago I found out about my husband's affair. I still haven't confronted him, I just need a bit more time to calm myself down and to find out what's going to happen with me and our 5 year old son.

I read his emails, saw the pictures, have printed everything out in several copies, sent one to my brother to keep just in case.

I am absolutey devastated, not just for myself but mostly for my son. It feels that his cheating father has cheated him of the good future prospects (my husband has regular postings abroad with his work where we enjoy excellent life, and our son went to top nurseries and schools)
I feel that for the sake of my son I should stay with this cheat, but am I doing a right thing here?

I'm foreign born, never lived in UK before (up until few months ago). So everything here is new to me, and now I am faced wih this horrible situation. I have to seek help from CAB, Council, have had 2 councelling sessions...and more information I get, the more stronger I feel, but one part of me just can't believe that this has actually happened.

we have been married for 8 years, and I have the proof that his affair has been going on for at least a year, and I feel that it is even longer. It happened with his work colleague, while we lived abroad.

He's at home with us, I'm regularly checking his text messages, and he is constantly in touch with her, with messages how he loves her and that he will do everything for them to be together.
But at the same time he paints this 'perfect husband/father' picture. It is as if he's got a split personality..

Please help, I'm feeling so down and don't really know which road to take.

Thanks everyone and sorry for such a long message

So sorry for you. It is an awful thing to find out.
Having gone through something like this I agree about the split personality - I believe it has to do with them compartmentalising things - so you and your son are in one box and this ow is in another box and they are quite separate to him.
I really dont know how you should proceed. It is up to you whether this relationship is worth saving, not just because of your ds, but for you.
Do you still love your h?

Well done also for keeping this to yourself. I am sure I would have had to confront h straight away. I am sure it has given you time to feel stronger and more able to deal with what is happening.

Sorry - probably haven't been much help. Hope someone else can give good advice

first of all i am so sorry that this is happeneing to you.....

him and his trollop have just pissed all over your future and everything you ever believed to be true about him.

My advice would be to leave and be on your own.

he obviously doesn't love you the way you deserve to be sweetheart....and worse he doesn't respect you as his wife and mother of his child.

Do you really want to turn a blind eye to his infidelity for the sake of your son???

are you sure that this is the first time he has been unfaithful????

we are not talking about a one night stand here, he is emotionally attached to this other woman.

where do you go from here???? that is your decision but i believe that everybody deserves to be loved and cherished in their lives, and you are being made a fool of.

i would print even more copies off and leave them for him to see

I think you have done remarkably well not to let on that you know.

I also think you are doing the right thing to follow and keep track of the evidence so that you can be sure of the truth when you do confront him.

You will need to raise this with him at some point, and I think the sooner the better before you go out of your mind. In a way, I sense you are putting off the inevitable by not talking to him about it - are you scared of the consequences?

I don;t think any decisions need to be made just yet about whether to stay or go. I think you should confront him, have the inevitable tearful arguments and THEN decide. I think his reaction to your confrontation might help you decide.

Good luck.

thank you everyone for all the advice.

i've just sorted out some finances, i'm starting an on-line course soon, and once all that is paid for, then we'll have a d-day. it is scary to think about it, but i just can't live this lie any longer.

it is just too painful to watch him go out for a fag, knowing at the same time that he'll be on the phone to her...and then he comes back in as if nothing but an innocent fag outside has happened...
i wonder how he can sleep at night.
is there an oscar nomination for the best cheating husband acting? i think that this one definitely deserves one.

i feel much much stronger now, i know that i'll have support from my family when i need it, and that helps a lot.

keep your fingers crossed for me that i don't collapse in floods of tears infront of him

((((((hugs)))))))

i really hope you find the courage to confront the utter shit bag for doing this to you....you are a trooper i couldnt be so collected x

thanks fawkeoff

You are one amazing lady Sarajka - and your strength will carry you through this. This may be the end of your relationship with that louse but it's just the beginning of a new life for you. Good luck.

sarajka
You are going to be fine, please dont read too much into his texts if you read some of my other posts you will see that i have a lot of experience of this. My h had a year long affair with a colleuge. She left her h and dc for my h. The texts and emails he sent her were the usual (like yours sound). But i have come to learn and accept that he never really wanted to leave me - the words he sends her are just that - he may well be saying whatever it takes to keep the affair going.
Affairs are complex and often do not mean the marriage is over or that is what he wants. It is differnt for men and woman too so what you think is probably different to what he is.

You have already got a lot of information - now find a very good lawyer who will make sure your son is provided for in the future.

What you want to do is up to you - if you think you can live with the fact that he has had an affair and you both want to make it work - take comfort in that it can. But also if you already know you cannot live with it do not feel bad that you are breaking up the family - he is the one who has done that.

Take the time to really work out what you want and when you do confront him be prepared for him not being very truthful for a long time.

Good luck and take care

Sara i am so sorry , i can't beleiev you have had the strentgh to keep this to yourself for so long. I know i couldn't have done the same.
Is he paying for the course then ?
Whatever you decide you need to let your h know you know about this i don't think it is something you can brush under the carpet.
Yours and your sons happiness is upmost and this isn't dependant on your son attending top nurserys etc.

thank you everyone....I'm just about to enrol on my course...
over the weekend i read his txt from 18.6, where he wishes her happy 3rd anniversary!!! i almost died, but managed to pull through...so it started when my son was only 2,5...
b.....d!!!!
additional problem-we just got 2 months advance notice on our rented flat so now have to look for another one, which will just prolong this misery, but thanks to you guys, i will pull through - have to for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of my boy

will keep you posted....

I'm still here, coping somehow...it is very very hard...this cat and mouse game is slowly getting to me...
i've just noticed that he's been searching easyjet site for cheap flights, probably planning yet another trip down to her (she lives in Portugal).
i don't think that i mentioned before that he actually went twice back there since we have been back in January. First time it was on a 'business trip' to spain, in march, and then in may 'for friend's birthday', only it was HER birthday not some mate's.
i found all the flight bookings and saw payments on our joint account statements.
now yet again he is planning the trip, i'm just waiting to see wich lie he will come up with next..
if i didn't know what i know now, i would even say that the things between us have vastly improved...but when in the back of my head i have all those letters, lies...i just find it increasingly difficult to cope

i was looking at the photos from 3 years ago when this sordid affair started and, my son was still a baby...this cheating father has lied to him for almost half of his life...how dreadful is that?

i'm in my library now, don't want to go on mumsnet from our home pc, he might get to this and read it all

am i doing the right thing here? prolonging my own pain? i have to wait to find a new flat now, there's no way that i could afford to pay for deposit and rent when i'm unemployed

and another thing - could someone please advise me if it is better to find a job and then kick him out (will the council help with the rent and stuff) or should i just stay like i am..would my employment status matter when it comes to who gets our son?

can anyone please advise me, i'm totally new in this country and am not familiar at all how these things work

thank you everyone

Do you want to stay in the UK or would you rather go home to be near your family? If you want to go home I suggest you book a flight/holiday there and go and then tell him it's over. Although the downside is it would make the legal side over money etc more difficult if you are abroad but you could get a recommendation of a good solicitor and instruct them on your behalf before you leave.

do you think there is anychance he is stringing this other woman along and she doesn't know about you & your son? It seems to me that your husband has every intention of keeping both relationships going forever.

Yes, I agree CarGirl.

No, she knows about me and our son. From the txt messages that I managed to read when I first found out, she is actually saying that they will live together, and then asks '\How is my older son?'.(which hurts me the most) She has an illegitimate son a year or so younger than my son is....

They are still going 'strong' - saucy txt are sent on daily basis, BUT, and it's a big BUT, he is actually lying to her as well - she doesn't know that we still live together, share the same bed....I know her quite well too.
So I'm just waiting for the day when I'm actually gonna ring her and tell her to 'roll her sleeves up and go and find another father for her illegitimate child'
I know her game, she was desperate single mum, from a very poor family, along comes him, we are in crisis, they get together at lunch breaks at work, soppy stories get exchanged, and then 'BAM!' Here we go...
I'm just so surprised that HE has even done this to me...But as they always say never say never

As for going back home, that is not an option I'm afraid, The future that my son could have in this country is far better than the one in my homecountry...

This will just wreck the whole family apart, not just us, but his parents, brothers, sisters will all be in a shock...

In a way, I don't really want to split up with him forever, I just don't know. I'll never be able to trust him at all, BUT, and it's a big BUT, from material side of things I am willing to stay with this bastard if that means that my son will get every luxury he could have (and me too) Have I just lost my marbles and became too materialistic, and does this make any sense to anyone...?

I also desperately want another child, so am even thinking of somehow persuading him. I don't want my son to be the only child, and from the selfish point of view I just want somebody else to love me unconditionally like I love them...

Tell me honestly - have I lost the plot, has this been dragged on for too long now?

Thanks ev1

sarajk
Firstly - am so impressed at your brilliant written English. I live in France, and have done so for years, but my written french is far below your English!

Secondly, I divorced a feckless bastard and did so willingly but reluctantly - because of my children (four) and the life they were living. In retrospect I am so glad I did so - thank heavens I got out when I did.

I think you need counselling, to sort out what you actually want and how you are going to get your life back on track - either with him or alone. I would go and see your GP and ask if you can be referred, or contact RELATE and see if you can organise something for yourself initially and perhaps later as a couple.

You are very strong. Good luck.

Are you from an EU country? Or elsewhere? If EU, then you have the right to live here regardless of the state of your marriage. However, if from elsewhere, you may need to consider your immigration status. If you have entered the country on a spousal visa, then divorce might affect your right to live here. Do take advice before doing anything which might have repercussions you haven't considered.

Bosnia, freckle.

Sara, If you leave this cheating twat man, he will still have to pay money to you for your son (have a look at the child support agency) And also the way things work here is that the mother will get to keep the child unless she is not a fit mother of course, plus you will be able to claim income support if you are not working and tax credits if you do work, also you need to pay a visit to your local council who will house you and your son and will even pay your rent and council tax for you if you are not working. You need to leave and you need to leave quickly.

Well, as Bosnia is not in the EU, Sara needs to check what her situation will be if she leaves her dh. She may have no right to recourse to public funds, so telling her to claim housing benefit, etc., might be misleading.

Sara, go to your local Citizen's Advice Bureau as they may be able to give you more information on this aspect.

Not sure if it will help your situation, Sarajka, but BiH has announced moves towards better (i.e. visa free) travel to EU countries. I don't know when it will happen but it may be worth you contacting the embassy in London and asking them (if they ever answer the phone ).

BTW ja sam iz Velika Britanjia ali ?ivim ovdje u BiHu! Rezumjem y govorim uredu ali slablo pisam . Te?ko je, draga, puno te?ko je!!

Yeah good point freckle, i never thought of that.

Thanks everyone, for all your advice. As for my visa status, I have indefinite leave to reamain in the UK, been married for 8 years, so don't think that I would have major problems with that.
We are currently negotiating the move to another flat, and, being slightly materialsitic as I am becoming to be, I am waiting to move and then will tell him to go.
I'm feeling pretty down today, especially as my son has now started to misbehave to the extreme, and is very rude towards me, shows no respect whatsoever, and I just don't know how to react, and it is so hard to cope with it all at this moment.
I would so like to tell my parents what's been going on, but they are both quite unwell (my Mum had a minor heart attack last week), and just can't upest them about this. But just feel that I could curl up on my Mum's lap and cry for hours.
Do you think I'm a bit pathetic too?

Oh, I just don't know....today is not good at all...

Hugs from me - don't really know what to say -but do second the CAB visit. Make sure you have a contingency fund.