Should I just learn to shut up?

[HermioneRuby1]

Me and DH have had a lot of instances over the last few months where the smallest of things turns into a bigger argument.
We help pay for his father a car on finance but his mum doesn’t like it and each month gives back some of the money which is kept to one side and slyly given back in the form of gifts near Christmas or anniversaries.
This morning he said the money was totting up again and I said it’s silly just give it back instead of all this nonsense- he said I was out of order and blew up about it. I just said I get it but I don’t have to agree but he clearly felt I was being mean and we had what should’ve been a small disagreement went from 0-100 he flew off the handle — slammed his fists on the table and used really harsh language saying I don’t need to be a C word about it. Maybe I should have kept my opinion to myself in this instance but I’m starting to feel like I’m walking on eggshells to try to be better and he couldn’t care less.

Hi

So you now can't say anything that "may upset" him. Does he do that at work?. Bet not. This is spiralling into abuse. I would really think about this for you. Do you want to live like this. What would happen if you reacted like him? Mmm does not bode well. Sorry.

You say this argumentative behaviour has escalated in the past few months.
Have any other aspects of his behaviour changed?
Is there something particularly stressful going on in your H's life that could be causing his obviois anger?

You really need to take this seriously because slamming his fists into the table is a dangerous warning that this could escalate into physical abuse. And if his language is also becoming abusive then that is also not acceptable.

Thats really not good.
Your opinion matters as does your voice.

No partner should ever get angry over anything being voiced. And no partner should ever ever make you feel like you should keep quiet.
And no partner should ever call you names or insult you.

I've only once in 20 years called my wife a name. And that was after she did something really hurtful towards me. And the fact I did made her realise just how serious and hurtful her actions were. I told her she was being a s**t head. But I said it calmly.

I've never shouted at my wife.

I firmly believe that anger towards your partner has no place in a relationship. Its ok to say your feeling angry over something but never hit tables or shout.

You have done no wrong here at all. What he should have done is talk. He should have just said no this money is for them and thats the way I would like to keep it.

Try telling him that. And how his outburst was not appreciated when a simple conversation would have worked.
Try telling him how it made you feel like you should just stay quiet. I'd hope he is big enough to realise the impact he has had and do something to change it.

But only do this if you feel safe enough to do so.

He’s not the best at opening up and I feel like I’ve tried to talk to him to understand but he shuts it down very quickly. Often he’ll say I’ll just not say anything anymore so is quick to go on the defensive and not try to work things through.
We have struggled in the past with him shutting down if we have had a disagreement and he will just distance himself and not speak for a few days which I have had to put my foot down about and I wonder if that maybe him having to stop that is triggering the opposite response. My honest thoughts are he just isn’t good at communicating how he feels and that’s not new but seems to have gotten more so as we’ve gotten older.
We are on a funny transition of our lives now then kids are older and at university and I think that we need to reconnect and do better with each other but I don’t think we always want the same thing.
I do often speak before I think so I need to consider that too but I just don’t want to keep going round in this circle.

You need to talk to him about this. Later when he is calm and it’s safe to do so.

Sounds like there’s other things that are going on which are starting to make him stressed. Is his work stressful? Is his mum or dad causing the stress? Is it something else? Do people challenge him a lot and he’s sick of explaining his decisions? Do you nitpick and moan a lot about stuff? Is he misogynistic and women dont get to have opinions? Is it the money thing (take the parents in an all expenses holiday that’ll save them having to pay) Whatever it is it’s now having an impact on his health.

Nobody should be punching the table because they are feeling that angry or frustrated. I don’t think I’ve ever been called the c word by a partner either. This needs to not happen again. If he doesn't learn to control himself he could hit you or someone else in frustration.

If you can get to the bottom of it and he can sort whatever it is that’s causing this, either by changes or medication, then youll be fine. If not or if it ramps up I’d consider your options.

Banging his fists is designed to show his strength and put you in your place.
It's literally what Gorillas do.
Not making light of it as I have been there OP
It's frightening and it 100% escalates if it hasn't put you in your place already 😔

His behaviour is abusive. This isn’t about editing yourself before you speak. It should be possible to say a wrong thing without receiving that level if aggression in response. (And actually, your comment sounds completely fair). If this is new behaviour, then maybe tackle it when he has calmed down. And no, you should never learn to just shut up.

@HermioneRuby1 I'm not great at communicating feelings.
We didnt talk much about what we needed or wanted and I would bottle a lot up. As did my wife too.

Something that helped us was an app. We both realised when our marriage got to breaking point that we needed to get better at communicating. We tried some card things. Pull out a card and ask the question on it type. It didnt work.

We started using an app called paired. Ive recommended it so many times I should be getting paid by them!
You both have it on your phones and it asks questions each day or has quizzes each day. You cant see the others answers until you have answered.
Some of the topics, we would never had talked about and it gave us a deeper understanding of each other.

Its a little thing but it really works if communication is a barrier.

But aside from that. Anger, banging tables and calling you a C* is not ok. Do not accept that and if he ever makes you feel unsafe then please leave.

Thanks everyone. I have messaged him a few times as it seems to land better that way and told him how I feel and how we need to talk about this when he’s ready.

I just think it’s frustration not being able to articulate how he feels properly but it doesn’t need to escalate that much.
Hes trying to shut it down in his usual way messaging back saying he’s dropped it but when the time is right ill broach the issue again and try to get him to understand.
Taking issue to something I have said is one thing and will absolutely apologise for it regardless of the intention behind it as often I think it’s how it lands with him but fair enough it his feelings on it so I will own it.
However he needs to acknowledge his behaviour isn’t appropriate, frustration I get but name calling and banging fists on tables is not something I want to be around.