How to navigate the loneliness

[waitingtogo]

As the title says how do I navigate the intense feelings of loneliness I am experiencing in my marriage?
I am ending the marriage when DC Goes off to university 2026 .
I have looked into the divorce process, have an idea of finances , have started to tell family members of my unhappiness and being made to feel unseen in my own house ( not a home anymore). Have started to visit locations to move to ( will be leaving the area moving back to where my family is located ). Have started to put things in place for a new job.

in the last two weeks I have had two frightening episodes of deep , intense feelings of loneliness. Husband is work from home and is always here . The only time I get away from him is when I am work but the job is very intense and requires thinking at full capacity so no time for space in my head for me .

He works all the time and avoids being near me ( sits in another room) but puts on a facade of things being okay to others . I feel silenced , have no voice and on edge all the time at home.

I just need ways to cope when I am not out with friends, gym, or out by myself .

He is past talking to and I don’t want to as he has shown me who he is, he views this as a game that he must win at . I am keeping my plans close to my chest, he is not my friend even though he acts like things are okay sometimes, but then is shut off at other times .

my sleep is disturbed from constantly thinking about this.

I need ways to navigate how to not let him make me feel that I am unworthy, invisible, lonely and in despair at this short term situation at home.

Do you really have to wait until the dc go to university?. They are likely to be all too aware of the parlous state of your marriage and wonder why you and he are together at all now. Do not remain in such misery for their supposed sake because they will not say thanks mum for doing so.

Another few months of this will just impact your own Mh for the worse.

Can you now start divorce proceedings?.

I am going through a lesson shit version of this.
I have a clear focus on my own goals for happiness. I have a list in my phone of my priorities and at the start of each day I highlight three in bold to make happen that day.
I am making every day count for me and that has helped me massively.
Good luck, when you get out of this shit situation you will feel so free.

Do you have your own room OP? Can you make it a little haven where you can shut the door and spend time watching TV or reading? I think continuing to share a house with him for months on end is bound to take a toll on your mental health and well-being, is there any way you can bring your plans forward, maybe stay with family for a few months? If you are feeling very low and despairing, it may not be worth holding on until your DC goes away to Uni. If not, could you get a break and stay with family a couple of times a week to get a breather? I think it will help to tell family and friends so that you have a space where you can talk about how you're feeling and let off some steam. Or you could have some counselling or psychological support to find some coping strategies?

yes, you need a room and stop thinking of him. Let him go if he is so horrible

Reading and audiobooks. Fictional men are so much better!

IME I you wont be able to breathe until you are in Separate places. But even then it’s a long road with lots of hurdles along the way. However nothing so lonely as living with someone who puts you last

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am going to download the divorce form and I have started to gather the paperwork… It’s a little trickier as he is self employed now … I have started to ask where the money is ( in a not so obvious way).

@BeCalmNavyDreamer That’s a good idea … I have started to do things by myself but it heightens the feeling of being alone

@Endofyear yes in separate rooms , I felt tortured by his snoring and when I would ask him to turn over he would be contemptuous In his response … he moved into the other room as a punishment but being able to sleep without being interrupted has only brought clarity to the situation. I’ve thought about accessing support through work … I need to get on and do this as the situation is affecting my mental health .

@OldBalkanNationalistGrumpy I have definitely mentally separated from him , I see no future with him . It’s taken me a long time to make a decision and now I have I’m just waiting . DC knows they’re not silly their motivation to go to uni is fuelled by a huge desire to leave home and I would say this situation.

OP I feel for you, and yes you are doing the right by putting stuff into place .
Sounds to me as though you are experiencing being over whelmed by lots of emotions, fear of the unknown and not having someone to talk to what you’re going through is very intense.
I felt like this when I left a marriage, I knew I was doing the right thing by leaving ,it is huge change and one you’re are more than capable of seeing through.
I would recommend therapy/counselling, emailed a few local therapists - I’m sure there is a national data base for qualified therapists- Google will help I’m sure.
I found being able to get things off my chest so to speak, really helped to process the bewildering emotions, like crushing aloneness and feeling like a total wreak.
Not that you need validation, but I found therapy gave me just that and I can honestly say it has been the best thing I have ever done!
It’s overwhelming scary, but you can do this .
I wish you all the very best and sending you a soppy hug x

@1Messycoo Definitely feeling overwhelmed… I have quite a few friends/ acquaintances/ colleagues in similar situation ( we range from 40s - late 50s). Although this is comforting in some ways as I am not alone, this in itself can be overwhelming as I guess I am absorbing some of their stuff. Therapy sounds like a better place for my stuff .

Thank you everyone, this is all very helpful as it’s helping me prioritise what I need to do next .

This brings back such painful memories of someone who made me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin in my own home. I remember sitting in my car in the cold avoiding going home because that silent, unspoken loathing that awaited me at home was worse, much worse. I’m so sorry. Is there any way you can turn it off, just not respond to his unnamed war, not get affected by it? Probably not - I couldn’t… for me getting out of the house and closing the door to my bedroom was the only solution. I was so happy when I was finally able to be out of the oppressive situation and I hope the same comes for you soon. It’s almost 2026.

Wouldn't it be better before you apply for uni finance so you know where you're at.

@Loubelou71 I’ve already accounted for this . We have a lump sum to cover uni accommodation in an account in my name ( as we did for older child who went through uni).

Also with being self employed pays himself to stay under a certain threshold.

He wouldn’t deny his children what they need. It’s very important to him what others think of him and denying his children would expose him. External validation is very important to him.

I'm a year on from your situation. Took me two full years to pluck up the courage to ask him to leave, we are now fully divorced and I've bought him out of the house.

I cannot tell you how much happier I am now I completely understand the feeling of feeling completely lonely and I can just tell you that it's so much less lonely to be on your own than it is to be trapped in a bad marriage.

I navigate lonliness by meditation and listening to music.