I’m scared I’m heading for another sexless relationship and I don’t think I can do this again

[anywhichwaytoday]

So I’m mid 40s. Had boyfriends when I was younger, no issues sexually.

when I was 21 was in a relationship with someone about 15 years older. Lasted about 3 years, at some point into this we stopped having sex. I don’t think this was my choice, just something that happened.

This back in the day before internet porn was how it was today but I remember he downloaded some kind of porn thing on my laptop, not realising I’d see it. A few times I’d get into bed and there were porn mags on the pillow on pages of women’s arsehole (sorry for TMI). I left him eventually and he was gutted, talked about going for relationship counselling etc. I was young. Moved on.

Second big relationship I got into I was 25, so was he. He had ED, I stuck with it (ups and downs here but we did conceive two kids). Ended up sexless for a long time. Discovered he was wanking himself silly with viagra whilst not touching me. Wasted 20 years on him.

Been with my latest guy a year, both mid 40s. Started off great in the bedroom, like really great. Be he hates me initiating anything, we have sex maybe twice a week but it can’t be me who instigates it. I feel as though the sex is tailing off already.

Tonight I saw hot women on his phone on Instagram search. I wasn’t snooping he was showing me something and it showed his searches.

I’m here again. Aren’t I? With a man who would rather fuck himself than me?

I know people say it’s all about the availability of porn these days but it’s been the story of my life since the turn of the millennium.

I’m not unattractive, I don’t believe, decent figure. People have always told me I’m more attractive than these men ( unasked! I’ve always fancied them).

wtf is wrong with me?

OP, I think the problem here is that you are in another relationship where your own voice (and needs in the bedroom) is not heard. I don't understand what you mean by you are not allowed to initiate it- whoever came up with that rule or even if it is just his preference, it's not an equal or nice one. He doesn't sound like a great partner in other ways, and I bet he has regressive views about women to be limiting you in that way. Then, you are essentially passive in the situation and have lost your voice.

I have a feeling this is about the quality of the relationships and not just the sex; you need someone where you can talk openly about what you like, what you need and what you desire in the bedroom but also out of it and those two things go hand in hand and I suspect you have neither. Apologies if I'm off base here.

Bin him. Listen to yourself. Having rules like only he can initiate is ridiculous, don’t put up with this shit.

Thank you. We had an open conversation about this recently and he was adamant that it isn’t only on his terms. That that would be controlling of him etc and he isn’t like that.

But since then it’s been exactly like that - late at night after a few drinks - when I have explicitly said I need it to be something more intimate and less of an afterthought (or something that he does because he’s drunk so I’ll do).

not sure where I can go from here. Thanks so much for your understanding

Trouble is you're staying with men who are sexually dysfunctional, not that you only attract sexually dysfunctional men. Lots of men are shit at sex, you don't have to put up with it. Staying with your current boyfriend even though he doesn't let you initiate sex is a mistake. You can't expect a sexually dysfunctional man not to disappoint you sexually at some point- it's baked in. Why are you accepting so little for your sex life?

Thank you. And I had this conversation with him very recently and he denied it was like that. But it still is. I feel so fucking rejected.

I think you’re right, thank you. And as to they why, I think it’s all I’ve ever known in adulthood and probably feels safer than the predatory men I grew up around.

So you are in a relationship with someone who has told you that you can’t make advances towards him? That’s mad, honestly it is. It’s like one person always deciding what’s for dinner or what’s on tv and saying they won’t eat that or watch that if the other person takes the initiative.

You can’t live like that.

Who does he think he is?

Your current man only initiates sex when he's drunk late at night. That's a rubbish sex life. Why do you want to stay with him. You are in your forties, there are millions of men in the world? I don't get the feeling you adore him, more that you want him to want you and feel insecure, but that's not the same as him being the only man on the planet.

Unfortunately you are staying with men who are rubbish in bed, for a husband when you had two kids, I understand that, but that's not the case now and I can't think why you are wanting to sign up to this all over again. Sad, but move on and find someone who is keener and also listens to your needs and wants.

He doesn’t say I can’t initiate but he pulls away when I do. He often makes comments about how his ex negged him over certain things and now he’s self conscious etc.

i do love him as a person but as a woman i feel like it’s that slow death all over again.

We’ve spoken about it and he was not defensive and open to hearing my side. But in reality nothing has really changed

Also, on the point of staying an finding someone else - all that I hear is that for men approaching 50 their sex drives wanes and ED or whatever creeps in and I think that that’s as valid a point to recognise as how perimenopause/ menoause affects women.

yes, in these younger men there was none of that, but my current guy is approaching 50 and just isn’t as able.

Is he doing anything about his ED? Is he doing other things that would help meet your needs? Nope, so he isn't committed to improving the sexual side, in fact, he seems to be hoping it all goes away, probably because he is conscious of the ED, although initiating it after drinking won't be helping either.

It's up to you OP. If sex is important to you, then you need someone you are compatible with on that score. He's talking the talk about listening but not walking the walk and that's what you are going to end up with. I take your point about men over 50, but many men over 50 are happy to do other things, open to Viagra, open to lifestyle change and happy for you to take the lead too and he's not and that's just how it is for him and therefore for you.

It's always a trade in life, and if you are reasonably happy, you may be happy with this trade, it wouldn't be for me (and I'm older than you).

Thank you, I really appreciate this perspective.

From his side he very much ‘doesn’t realise’ that he’s doing X,Y,Z and so will apologise after the fact.

Which I now feel seems very gaslighty.

@anywhichwaytoday “here I am again aren’t I ?”
yes you are !

“wtf is wrong with me? “ nothing !

This is on them

I wouldn’t be staying .

This is actually super insightful re: the predatory men you grew up around OP. I would explore this more with a really good therapist.
There are plenty of men approaching 50 whose sex drives are completely normal and healthy!