Partner never takes me out

[FedUpDuck]

Anyone else have a partner who just makes no effort to date you? I am really getting fed up and out of ideas to get him to make some effort.
He knows I hate staying in weekend after weekend but apart from the odd Sunday dinner out when he can tell I am really fed up. He just doesn't bother!
I'm not after expensive days out I just want to do stuff together. Apart from the one week holiday, we have had for the past 2 years we have hardly done anything else together.
I wouldn't mind but I also moved away from family and friends to live with him and I have tried so many clubs and things to meet people around here so I could have a social life without him but it's just a lot harder as you get older.

Ok so this morning, whilst walking the dog in our usual spot, I just said to him shall we take the dog this afternoon to another place which is literally 10 mins up the road, that we have never been too, we are popping to see his family this morning but we will be back by 2pm, first he said yes and then he's just turned round and said "shall we go tomorrow so we aren't rushing!!" We are literally not doing anything else today.

Talk to him about it. But be really clear about what you want for both of you.
Try not to make it accusatory. Just say, weekends really dont feel good and you think its really starting to effect the relationship.
You could both do with some fun and you want to spend that time together.
Schedule! Schedule! Schedule!
Do not leave it to chance.
My wife and I realised this was missing so we scheduled a time. We both work full time and have two school age kids.
So we changed our hours. My wife compressed hers and I work for myself so I moved everything away from Mondays.
Now ever monday is us time. And not to sit in or get the house up straight.
We talk about what we want to do and go do it.
So far we've gone bowling, painted pottery, tried vr floors, played mini golf, gone out to breakfast in all sorts of places. Built things in the garden together. Tried axe throwing. Plus a whole lot more. We work together to make sure we do something fun while the kids are at school.

But the point is. If we didnt make Mondays date days. We'd never do any of that.

Plus how good is it to actually look forward to a monday!

Try talking and figuring out what time you can put in a Schedule that is your date time and work together to do fun things, new things on each one.

How did you respond?

’oh but we are not doing anything else’
’shall we do something else instead?’
’im going to bring him myself then’

I just said we will see what time we get back, he didn't say anything. Which usually means he's made up his mind.

Not everyone wants to fill their days with stuff - I’ll be probably be called weird or odd, but if I was going to be out until 2pm visiting family and it was going to be dark by 4.30 I probably wouldn’t be overly keen to do something else either.

Do you go out and see friends at the weekends, or are you relying on him for all your social needs?

You are being quite passive here. Why did you not say something that reflects how you feel?

@FedUpDuck Don't stay quiet about it. Do not live inside your own head with imagined conversations with him.
I did that, I would decide on what my wife meant and would play it out in my own head and decide to just stay quiet.
Be your own voice, let him know what it means to you. Its not just about the dog walk. Its time for you both to spend together exploring a new place and that is what is important and it is important to you.

But it's just a dog walk in different place. We have to walk the dog anyway. I don't think that's been unreasonable, I'm just trying to change the boring routine we do everyday.

Some people just like routine - but also if it’s just a dog walk, does it need to be planned out in advance?

I think your missing the point. Its about being fed up with the routine.
Yes some people like routine. But a relationship has two people in it. @FedUpDuck wants a change to the routine and has suggested a simple way to do it with minimal impact.

If the routine has been lived for ages. Then its not unreasonable to accept a small change to make your partner happy.

1. you are profoundly incompatible
2. you are clearly unhappy
3. you are unable to have a conversation as what he says goes
4. you both live life dancing to his tune. Where you live, what you do, who you see.
5. he doesn’t compromise whatsoever suggesting he can’t care less about what you want

you haven’t entertained anyone on this thread saying leave him. So don’t. Stay. Enjoy this for the rest of your life.

@FedUpDuck - it obviously is very frustrating for you and that’s understandable. But there isn’t really a right or wrong here: it seems to be an area of incompatibility for you. So the question is whether the good parts of the relationship sufficiently outweigh these less satisfactory parts or whether this is becoming a dealbreaker for you. And if the latter, is he aware it’s becoming a dealbreaker?

But why do her desires trump his?

If I wanted go to somewhere and DH wasn’t interested, I’d go with a friend or on my own - just as he would do the same if I wasn’t interested in going somewhere. So I guess I’m just wondering why OP doesn’t do the same?

If someone is wholly reliant on their partner to meet all their social needs then that’s unhealthy for both of them.

OP’s husband is clearly quite happy having quiet weekends at home - if OP isn’t happy with that the the answer isn’t to force him to try and change, it’s to either go out with friends etc. instead or to find a partner whose needs better match hers.

He sounds quite stuck in his ways, and you haven’t been together for very long. Do you want to always live your life like this? I can see what he’s getting out of this but you’re not getting your needs met.
My ex was similar at the end of the relationship. He didn’t actually want to go out in public with me at all. The gradual withdrawal was him checking out of the relationship. Then he behaved even worse so I left.
Decide whether you want to live your life like this forever. It’s not going to get any better.

You don't sound compatible or happy at all.
He is not going to change.

Such men do not change. This is who he is.

Why are you with him exactly?. What is still in this relationship for you?.

This doesn't sounds like a sociability issue because you're not asking him to socialise, it sounds like an 'I like my routine the way it is' issue. My XP was like this and his excuse used to be 'oh, we can't go anywhere new, the dog might not like it.' He wanted to stay in his groove, doing the same things every day. He was on the spectrum and it was his way of controlling the uncontrollable.

Your DP won't change, this is who he is. If you want to do other things, then you either have to have friends to do them with and leave him in his rut, or leave, I'm afraid. My XP is now ten years older and still doing the exact same things in the same routine as he did when we were together.

I doubt this will get better over time OP, as most people tend to get more stuck in their ways as they get older. So think very carefully whether this is what you want or whether you just aren't compatible.

He sounds dull as fuck and I would look move back to the more interesting and fun life you had before him? Can you imagine having to live like this forever??? Pushing to walk the dog somewhere else just to have a slightly more interesting day???

He sounds very boring (which would be fine if you also enjoyed an uneventful home-based life most of the time but you don't, so you don't seem very compatible either).

The worst of it is that he's so set in his ways and unwilling to compromise. You've made it clear that you aren't happy and start you would like but he just thinks "nah I can't be bothered".

I've observed several relationships like this including my parents where the man seems to think "well she's always here at home so why would I bother going out with her too". Taking her for granted like a domestic appliance or piece of furniture.

Does he go out without you to do hobbies or have a drink with friends? If so that's even worse. If not then, well, he's just boring! Either way I don't think I could stand it.

Have you said any of this to him?

He sounds boring as hell. Cut him loose, OP. I couldn't live my life with someone so dull they can't even handle a dog walk in a different place. Good God.

Big mistake moving away from family and friends for such a man.

Time to rethink this move and relationship.
You are unsuited and incompatible.

This is who he is, he will not change.
Don't make the huge mistake of thinking he will.
Perfectly fine to be a homebird, but if you are not one, it is unrealistic to think this will work.

It may work to invest in things you enjoy doing, together. Hobbies can be shared, they can be explored.

So he makes no effort to date you but I bet you're still expected to want sex with him.

He sounds like just another self-centred person who has no business being in a relationship. There's a lot of them about.