What would you do?

[PockerMaus]

Just after some advice...

My partner and I have been together 5 years. For the first 3 years there was some infidelity on my partners part and he would message ex gfs inappropriate things. I'm not after advice on this bit as there was a lot going on during this three years (my brother died and his mum died) so lots of difficult emotions.

My partner went to therapy and did a lot of work on himself. He genuinely seemed to change as a person.

Fast forward to now, we have a 4m old son. We were sat on the sofa and he was showing me something on his phone. He quickly deleted something on his search history and thought I didn't see but I did. I asked him what it was and he finally admitted he'd looked up and ex's profile and he just wanted to get rid of it before I saw to not upset me. This ex in particular was one that he had previously messaged inappropriately. He said he'd just come across it and there had been no further action.

What would you do in this situation? I know people will just look at random people and it do no harm. I don't want to waste a lot of work we've put into the relationship but I also feel that him hiding things from me once again is an issue.

I should add that he was very apologetic and said that he would show me to prove there had been no messages or anything. The person had just made a new account and he'd come across it....

He then blocked the account (not that I asked him to).

It's normal to be curious about your exes.

The history of being inappropriate could be an issue though - albeit some people do react to deaths in a one-off extreme way

Yes that's what I think, as an isolated incident I wouldn't be arsed.

I guess it's the history behind it..

There was some infidelity for the first THREE YEARS and you stayed with him??! I can't get my head around that bit. How does that work?

I guess he knows now that whether he really changes or not, you'll stay with him.

You know exactly what sort of man you chose to have a child with.

There's no point in asking what anyone else would do really.

The crux of the issue is that there was infidelity and you stayed (I'm being matter of fact, not judging) and now when things like this happen it makes your antennae tingle. Which is a normal response. But of course it will happen when you accept infidelity - unless you have done a lot of work together - you said he has, but it doesn't seem to have stuck. The trust is still fractured. You don't click on other people's social media by accident.

Sorry it's a bit complicated to explain in writing but A LOT happened and he had a difficult upbringing etc. I'm not making excuses for him (I would also say the same if I hadn't lived this situation) but I do genuinely think that therapy changed him. He did it for a year and is a completely different person.

But yeah it has been hard lol

I think given his history, you're always going to find it difficult to trust him, with good reason. The fact that he is still curious enough about his ex to be searching for her profile would make me very uncomfortable.

He actively looked up the profile of an ex. A woman he had messaged inappropriately earlier in your relationship. And he has done this at a time when you have a 4 month old baby.

He should be focusing on his new child and partner instead of looking up old girl friends . It doesn't sound as though he has changed as much as you thought OP.