Concerned about the guy DD is seeing

[feelingalittleconcerned]

My DD (aged 18 and in her first year at uni) brought her first bf home to meet us last weekend. She had never date anyone before this man, let's call him Sam (not real name).
Sam is 10 years older than my DD and I get the impression that he's a bit of a "drifter". He's at the same uni (different course) but is talking of dropping out to pursue music.
Last weekend was the first time the family and I have met Sam, and my DD has only known him for a matter of weeks.
Already he seems to be engineering "memories" between them that don't even exist... I repeatedly heard him laughing with my DD "remember when we did this..", "remember when we went there...". You know, the kind of things you might say if you've been together ages, not a few weeks! It also transpired that Sam didn't really want him to bring him home to meet us so soon, he had insisted and basically imposed himself into her weekend travel plans. As soon as he heard she was coming to stay for the weekend, he booked a ticket and said he wants to join her.
Although Sam was polite to myself and my husband, as well as other family members, we found him really intense. He quickly began calling us by our first names and made himself right at home in our house. He was basically acting like he was a long-established part of the family.
Also, I overheard Sam asked my DD to lend him £20, which she did.
I can't help feeling Sam might just be "latching on" to my DD. Especially as he doesn't appear to have any family of his own (he told my DD he was brought up in a series of foster homes and temporary placements, natural parents weren't fit to look after him).
I feel my DD is taking on an awful lot for a "first bf".
Am I right to be concerned?

I think you are right to be cautious but you also need to be careful not to alienate your dd.

Does your DD like him?

He sounds awful but chances are it'll fizzle out without you getting involved

Doesn't sound great, but as PP have said be careful to not alienate your DD. Hopefully it'll fizzle out and she'll see through him.

Set some boundaries when he tries to make himself too comfortable.

"I'd prefer Mrs. X."

"I'm not comfortable with you doing x."

Things like that.

He invited himself to your home which was rude as fuck and you let him stay. You messed up there. He's already overriden your daughter's boundaries about coming home.

I personally don't allow overnight bfs.

He's trying to force a closeness and instant intimacy that isn't there. He will be all up in your business if you don't set some house rules and boundaries right now.

A 28 year old man borrowing money from his 18 year old GF is not a good look. There's a reason he's not with someone his own age.

There's a lot of red flags here and you need to talk to your daughter about red flags like age gaps, overstepping and ignoring boundaries, and money.

I was thinking this is all a bit weird until you mentioned him having been fostered - maybe he’s still trying to strike the right balance as he’s not grown up with a family? Wouldn’t make me any less wary, I think you need to have your daughter back for a weekend in a couple of weeks (if financially and practically possible) but on her own. Hopefully it’ll fizzle out but do make boundaries now especially with Christmas coming up!

I would also be concerned. Plenty of warning signs here and your examples of his behaviour indicate he is potentially bad news. But tread gently as your daughter may well be infatuated and you don't want to drive her away.
Have an honest talk with her about boundaries eg 'lending' him money and keeping herself safe from any kind of manipulation. Also be firm and assertive with him yourself, you don't even know him and he's over familiar with you already!

He’s got more red flags about him than are present at a communist party rally!.

There’s a reason why he’s latched on to your Dd : at 18 she’s barely out of childhood herself, has no life experience behind her and is thus easily manipulated. She was targeted and probably feels flattered because he is older. Many women of his age would have booted him off already so he’s gone for someone younger and more malleable to manipulate. and he’s given you all a sob story about foster care to boot. These types always have problems.

Indeed talk to her about boundaries and money lending In relationships. Lead by example because he’s more than familiar with you people already.

I think the real red flag is his insertion of himself into her travel plans so you need to support her to assert herself/boundaries. Perhaps invite her to come home again to do something specific with just you so she can legitimately say "oh mum and I are going to do X"

Oh Dear. I'd be worried too OP. The music course wouldn't sit well with and the age gap is too much 18 and 28. You have to wonder.

Does he live in student housing- and does your daughter? If the relationship lasts, I would be worried about them being in a shared house together next year ....your daughter needs some assertiveness skills and practice. There's no way she should have let him muscle in on her weekend plans.

I agree with this.

My DD has just started uni too. Damn right I'd be worried if that happened.

My 18 DD had a guy a bit like this a few months ago…I did have a chat with her a couple of times about him loaning money off her etc, he was very intense, almost stalkerish in the end. It took her a while but she did realise and get rid of him. Just make sure you keep communication open and kind.
good luck, this is the most stressful age of having children isn’t it 😫

Put your foot down and tell her he is not staying with you over Christmas if that's what he's thinking.

Its good to be concerned. Concern is good for relationships.