Why do I feel like this? Is it jealousy?

[Boxedflowers]

This may seek like its a child/parenting thing, but it's more about not wanting it to affect my relationship.

My and my OH do not live together. We are 10 years in. Have children from previous relationships. 2 of which are both 16 yr old boys.

Mine struggles socially, and has mild learning difficulties, doing a level 1 course at college, wasn't something he really wanted to do but with low gcse results the options were limited. Doesn't have any friends to socialise with.

My OH's 16 yr old son has done well, got the results he needed to do the A Levels he needs to hopefully go on to do the university course he wants to do. Has a great group of friends, and regularly socialises and goes to parties. I am very close to him, and very pleased that all is going well for him.

However..it does leave me with a strange and uncomfortable feeling. One I haven't shared, and do not want to. And would never with him. But I would like to talk to my OH about but fear it would be damaging to our relationship.

I don't even know how to describe how I feel. Apart from that the comparison between where our 2 boys really upsets me, and hurts to see one doing so well, and the other far less so. It feels like 1 has the whole world ahead of him, full of choices and fun, which is amazing, but the other has a college course he didn't want to do but had nonchoice due to his low grades, and not many prospects after that, and no social life.

Its painful to even feel it. Nevermind not able to talk about it with my OH.

Surely that is something you can share with a partner 10 years in to the relationship. He will have seen the difference too. Is he particularly spiky or unreasonable that you feel you cannot even mention something so obvious? If so, you have a different difficulty. Sorry OP, it must be hard, but it is something that in a decent relationship can be talked about between the two of you. Why do you feel it would be damaging?

My youngest child has severe learning difficulties, brain damage and epilepsy. My dh child is 4 school years below but is already catching up with my daughter. When I see other children her age I realise how delayed she is and as sc grows up I know they will overtake my daughter by far.
Some days it’s hard to accept but I know how amazing my daughter has done to come as far as she has. We have to meet our children where they are at.
Your sc may have a future of more qualifications ahead but that doesn’t mean they are going to be more successful or even happier.

I completely understand how you feel. I think it’s grief. I have 2 sons with autism and I’m reminded of their limitations and differences at everyone of their peers milestones. It does get easier but it takes a long time.

much love

@GreenCandleWax
I think I'm currently thinking to myself, is this something I can live with?

As they've got older, the gap has got wider and wider. It really hurts. Iwant my son to do well and be happy and successful. And there is this constant comparison. One is doing great and has lots of opportunities. The other is going to have a lot less. It's the constant reminder that hurts

Thank you.
I hadn't considered it was a feeling like grief

Don't they ever hang out together?

I was about to post and say I think the feeling I imagine you feeling is closest to grief.

but hopefully if you can name the feeling you can maybe process it more effectively?

I’m not in your position but I do understand to a point. My son is autistic and has missed years of school. It was really hard to see his peers reaching milestones (starting secondary, beginning GCSE’s etc) when my son struggled to even leave the house at one point. He is now coming on leaps and bounds and I think that young people don’t always progress at the same time, some take longer than others and that’s ok. I totally understand that it must be hard not to compare but every child is different. And sounds like the other boy doesn’t have the same challenges. It’s probably made harder as they are both boys and the same age. I would speak to your partner about this. It’s understandable that you would feel this way and talking about it may help.

I’m sorry OP. It’s a horrible feeling.

FWIW I withdraw from a friendship because I was sick of my friend talking constantly about her high achieving DS (A* GCSES, county level sport, scouted as a model, etc etc whereas my same age DS was barely leaving his room at the time). My friend was rightly proud of her DS and she was probably better off without my jealous presence in her life.

My DS eventually found his way and is doing well and your DS will too. But it sucks.

It's understandable and don't feel ashamed, pp said once an emotion is named it's easier dealt with, very true. don't allow this to eat you up or ruin relationship. You could continue feeling this way until any bad life event happens to your ss you then will feel guilty for previous feelings. We can be very cruel to ourselves, especially when times are tough

OP listen:

”I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.”

[Ecclesiastes 9:11]

The advantages and potential of the academically gifted boy are on paper. Life is much bigger than being clever in school and having a so called social life. Love is everything and you absolutely have no idea what the future holds for those kids. Love them and rejoice exceedingly over both of them. Thank God over the privilege and responsibility of looking after a human being. Please stop worshipping academic achievement, or money or so called social life. Don’t even look to your OH for reassurance - again I say rejoice exceedingly - for I perceive you do not fully appreciate what you have.
OP, again I say rejoice and let your love continue radiate to all the children.

It’s not fair on anyone to compare them - although I understand that it’s very difficult not to.
Your son is so young and who knows what the future will bring? Try and stimulate his self respect, ambition, and curiosity. But - accept him too.

OP - I think you are worried about your son. And I also think you are not being fair to your bf/his son - as they are not responsible for your son’s situation, or your feelings.
And i think breaking up a relationship (which i think you are implying you feel like doing) - over the fact that your bf’s son is doing better at school than yours - would be irrational, and it won’t make you any happier.

Of course it’s hard to see our kids struggle. And it‘s really worrying when we know our kids will have a tough road ahead.
Comparing your son to anyone - his other siblings; your bf’s son; other 16yos at his college, or anywhere - serves no purpose but to make you feel bad about his situation.

And he doesn’t need you to feel bad - he needs to be loved and supported. And - possibly helped with guidance to find his own path in life - whichever it may turn out to be.

Jealousy is not a good feeing. His path will not be A-levels-uni-job. BUT - it doesn’t mean that he can’t find something he likes to do in life: And it doesn’t mean he won’t be happy:

"MMmomDD · Today 01:43

OP - I think you are worried about your son. And I also think you are not being fair to your bf/his son - as they are not responsible for your son’s situation, or your feelings."

Thank you.
This is exactly why I'm worried about talking to my partner about it. I can literally hear the words "You're not being fair to my son, we are not responsible for your sons situation "

I don't think I'm saying or implying they are responsible. And I also don't think I'm being unfair to his son. I'm not taking anything away from him, or saying or suggesting we shouldn't be anything other than proud and supportive of everything he's achieved, and is doing, and wants to do.

I'm not openly comparing anyone. Its all internal. And i try not to. But its hard when they are the exact same age.

I know nobody can change it.

I don't know what I'd expect from my OH, but I fear it would lead to an argument, either because I dont do a good job of explaining how I feel, or he reacts with how this makes him feel, rather than trying to understand and be supportive

Can't you talk to your OH about your feelings without even mentioning his son? Talk about how you're worried about whether the course is right for your son and you're sad that he doesn't seem to have many friends. It doesn't have to be a comparison thing - you would be finding this difficult even if your OH didn't have a son (although I can see the contrast makes you feel worse).

If your OH can't listen to you and support you then he may not be the man for you. We all need to be able to turn to our partner for emotional support if we're struggling with something.

I think I know how you’re feeling.
Both my DC have gone through difficulties due to health, dyslexia, bullying (other)….
One ran away for a while, One was expelled for being in the girls dorm. Fell off the rails due to cannabis…..
Both of them went through various training they didnt really choose.
My Dd, did secretarial school, then hotel school, then receptionist, then interior design, then worked for an architect & now has her own thriving business.
My son went to learn boat mechanics as an apprentice. ended up doing several engineering modules to become a yacht engineer, loves his job & has a great salary…(infinitely more than his successful piers from school)
I’m not boasting, Im just saying a painter & decorator/plumber etc can thrive & make a great living,
Everyone is different. You dont get to choose.
I remember crying in Ikea knowing my kids would never have a student flat !
It will be OK

Separation is not going to change the essential issue. You’ll just be lonely as well ?
What about saying
“Im so happy for you that your S is thriving. Bobby was born with his difficulties & shows me how randomly the cards fall. I love them both so much, but sometimes it hurts”

I’m not sure I’d go there with your partner, what would you hope to achieve. He can’t make it better, he can’t make it go away, all you leave him with is knowing your discomfort, and being reticent to talk to you about his son’s achievements. Think carefully about what you want to achieve by talking to him about it. Understanding? What does this give you? He stops talking about his sons achievements?

and his son isn’t the only 16 year old, I understand the only one you’re close to. But millions of others like his son and like yours.

i think this is about accepting your sons situation, it isn’t about his son. It is about your feelings about your own.

Yes that's exactly what its about. My own sons situation. Not his sons. This has nothing to do with his son. Apart from the stark contrast it gives me every day that my son is missing out on a life that I hoped he would have.

So yes, maybe this is about me accepting that.

But it would also be nice to be able to talk to my OH about it. About something that keeps me up at night.

I think don’t mention his son and your son in the same conversation.
I think you can say things like “that’s great x has done so well in his test”
Then on a separate day you could say I am worried about Y and him not enjoying his course. I’m not sure what the next steps could be for him.

I do agree that everyone has their own paths.

This may not be suitable/ a popular idea but my son joined the RAF at 16. There are lots of roles that don’t require high gcse grades and they can learn other skills. My son has always been academic but seemed very delayed in other areas and seemed to lack common sense to a worrying degree. The RAF has helped him a lot. Even things like he can now iron.

There are lots and lots of jobs that you don’t need lots of qualifications for. Even McDonald’s for example. If he could get a job there he could quickly progress to team leader etc.

Sounds like you are doing a great job trying to support him and there will be lots of options.

Trades people can earn so much money as well so that is worth looking into. Lots of people take a while to get to where they want to be.

Honestly OP this is completely normal in my opinion.
I have a DC with additional needs and younger sibling ‘achieves’ far more in many ways.
Me and DH often discuss it because like you say there is a constant stark contrast between what each of them are able to do despite one being years younger.
I think it gets more significant as they get older because you realise the potential impact on the rest of their lives and it’s hard.
Totally agree it’s also grief. You grieve the child they might have been and it’s important to talk about it. If you can’t talk to your partner who can you talk to? He’ll be aware of the differences and will want to comfort and support you.
Therapy has helped me massively. I held onto a lot of anger as well.
You sound like a wonderful mum and step-mum 💐

OP - I do think you need to work on acceptance of your son’s situation. And - even more - on not making it all about you and YOUR feelings.

You keep talking in these posts about how YOU feel about your son’s social life, friends, prospects (vs partner’s son). But you said nothing about how your son actually feels.

Does HE feel jealous of the other boy? Does he compare himself to him? What does he want in his life???

You say you wished you could talk to your OH about your feelings about your son. And of course - you can talk about your worries about YOUR son. Those are completely normal, and of course any normal partner will understand/support you on that.
Adding - ‘but i also feel jealous your son is not having same issues’ - this is the problematic bit. As it‘s not clear to me what you are really saying - if your partner’s kid also had issues - you’d feel better about YOUR son’s situation? Or if partner’a kid were a different age - you’d worry less about your son?

In reality - you probably want to went you are unhappy - and that it is unfair that your kid drew a short straw. Problem is that by bringing his son into this equation - it sounds like you are almost implying you wished yours and his son switched places in this unfair balance…. And that is something that will damage your relationship.

Personally - I’d take myself to some sort of counselling to learn acceptance. And really try to re-focus on how to help my child the best way I could.