Please help me see straight.

[Pixieblonde16]

Been with my partner for 5 years. We don't live together. We tried at the start but it didn't work. My teenage son has Aspergers and didn't feel comfortable with my partner living with us. I understood that because of my son's condition and told my partner he had to leave after a few months. It became so difficult to navigate it all. Long story short. I then moved to be nearer my partner whilst just living with my son and my dog and trying to maintain my relationship separately. My partner definitely has a drink problem. There have been many rows and break ups due to this. I find him boring and nasty on drink. Daily he can be helpful and kind. Taking me shopping, walking my dog etc and he can be very thoughtful and we get on well when he is not drinking. His downfall is alcohol. He is argumentative and casts things up when drinking. We split for a while and he then told me he was off alcohol for good. I agreed to give it another go. He started off with Guinness zero for two months and all seemed promising and then tonight we went out for a meal. He went on ordinary Guinness and I accepted that as it's just usually spirits that are like rocket fuel for him. The night was going well until we got back to his apartment and he started casting up that he had gave me £500 in the last two weeks and that I was ungrateful for this, that and the other etc etc. He said he was angry that he had gave me this money but I mentioned I had paid his internet! I am sick to death of him tbh. He is emotionally needy and wants me to be so grateful for help he gives me. At least that's the way I feel. He is doing things a normal bloke would do in a relationship but wouldn't want their ass kissed for. I have helped him in a lot of ways this last 5 years. I have forgave him for things he has said on alcohol. I think I've been conditioned now after 5 years to think all this is normal. Arguing on alcohol i mean. I enjoy a social drink but am usually a pleasant drinker. I have a drink twice a week. Honestly, I know this couldn't be healthy. I've ended it before. I wish I had have stuck to my guns then. You go out with your partner for a night and then go back to his place and he starts about all he has done for me. How I am ungrateful etc because I mentioned i paid his Internet. Who is wrong here? Am I with a toxic man? I just need clarity. Thanks for reading.

I bet you 100 percent your son can sense this guy is a total twat and his mother deserves better and that's a main reason he didn't get on with him. Because I have this and I can sense everything so finely. You already know what's wrong so do something definite about it and be on your own for a while, the right person will come along trust me

The line saying you are sick to death is telling. Only he can sort his alcohol issues out if he believes he has a problem. The impact on your son must be immense of seeing bad behaviour. I’d be looking to split imo

He sounds vile in drink. What was the £500 for?

You have a partner with a drink problem, he gets nasty, you’re sick to death of him and your son doesn’t like him. Why would you hold on grimly to this?

The money was in dribs and drabs to help me out.

You sound as bad as each other. Leave and focus on your son.

OP

You are in a codependent relationship with this man in addition to being his enabler and provoker because you never forget. Being all these in a relationship never works out either as you are all too clearly seeing.

What do you get out of this relationship?. What is in this for you?. You've already wasted 5 years on him and I suppose in that time you've always believed that your kindness/love for him will get him off the drink/see the error of his ways. Well it does not happen. Only HE can decide to stop drinking and he is showing no indications whatsoever of wanting to do so. And he will not do so whilst you are still around him.

And yes you are with a toxic man who will further bleed you dry emotionally. He should not be drinking alcohol ever again if he is an alcoholic. He just finds any excuse to drink, it does not matter if it is beer or spirits to him because it's all alcohol.

He doing things like buying the shopping and walking your dog are the barest of bare minimal requirements for a relationship. Why have you allowed this for yourself?. Did you see a heavily drinking parent as a child?.

This relationship is at an end anyway because his primary relationship is with drink, not you and in fact it's never been with you either. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

Put you and your son first now and find the strength within you to get this man out of your life for good. He will continue to drag you down with him otherwise.
No wonder your son could not stand him. He has been far more sensible here than you as his mother.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your boundaries in relationships are well off and have likely been off beam for some years.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. Be on your own with your son; its far better for you than to remain with a drunkard.

Do read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie and get some therapy for yourself. Men like this take an awful long time, years even, to recover from.

Ime those with drink or drug issues are best well avoided....
You won't regret getting rid of him.

End this relationship pdq. He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t seem a very nice person, and your DS knows this.

Sort your finances out so you don’t need help
Dump this alcoholic.
Move on and be happy.