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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he interested or is he manipulative.

30 replies

P1232025 · 30/10/2025 07:58

I'm a 40 year old female who has been dating a 46 year old man for 9 weeks who I met online.On the 4th date I told him that I wanted a relationship and he replied he wanted the same and he just wanted to take things slow. All in all he's giving me the impression that he wants a serious relationship. On dates overall he's lovely and I do enjoy his company and he seems to enjoy mine. He definitely listens to what I say as he'll remember things I've said several weeks before, he's affectionate, he's never in a hurry to get from our dates. We normally go out for food in the evening then go for a walk after. The walk is always suggested by him. But on the other side of things he has done or said things I feel isn't nice or right but a friend of mine told me just to take these things with a pinch of salt as it's not often that he's been like it. He always makes the kissing after every date passionate including sucking my lips, on the first date out of the blue he put his finger in my mouth then quickly pulled it back out. This was so random that he could tell by my expression on my face that I was surprised So he apologised, he asked to come back to my place on the 7th date.( By this time I will point out that we had already slept together on the 5th date) I told him he could come back but because I was having a period at that time we won't be having sex. With this he decided to go home so it was clear that it was sex he was after that particular evening. I did express my feelings about this telling him that he didn't exactly make me feel good as it seems that it was the sex he was after that evening. With this he said sorry and went home. The week after (on our 8th date) he brought that situation back up and he apologised and said "I didn't want you to think that I was in it just for the sex that evening as that wasn't the case". If it wasn't just sex he was after that evening then why didn't he just come back to my place anyway? Sounds a little contradicting. With this I forgave him. Later on that evening he brought it up yet again and said that in the future when we have sex he doesn't mind doing it while I am having a period. I told him while I'm having a period we won't be having sex as it would be a little messy. But on the plus side again the two occasions I have stayed over his place he's been so lovely and sweet towards me. The second time I stayed over I woke up at 4am. For an hour I was fidgeting in bed where I couldn't get back to sleep so not to disturb him I went to sit on the sofa in his lounge. He came in not long after to put a blanket over me then he went back to bed. He as done a few other things like this which I find really sweet. I will say that between dates he doesn't text a great deal (which I think might be just his style) and our dates is always once a week on a Friday as that is the day he says he's free due to work, having his children (18 and 13), going to church twice a week and the fact that he likes his down time to himself at the beginning of the week. We do always text each other on Thursday to arrange Fridays date. But the one thing I have noticed is he mostly initiates the conversation but within the conversation he never asks for another date. That's always me. I can understand in the first few weeks as he might not be sure if I'm still interested but after 8 weeks and this still happens. He cancelled what would of been our 9th date saying that it was his weekend to have his children. It definitely was his weekend to have his children so I do believe that but I've got a feeling that he may not of had them on that Friday. In previous weeks when he's had his kids he's always had them on the Saturday and Sunday but it's never effected our date on the Friday. He's a really handsome guy and considering we met online I find it hard to believe I'm the only woman he's dated in about 9 weeks, or at least that's how I'm starting to think. I'm thinking maybe he had another date on that Friday and that's why he cancelled. I'm not sure though if I'm just over thinking this or not. When he cancelled he didn't try to reschedule another date so I asked him about another date. He said the following Friday (tomorrow) he might be able to do but he will confirm closer to that date. Although I will say that he did message Monday just gone to see if I've had a good weekend. We did talk for a while and he said again about confirming about Friday's date. I haven't explained every detail as my message is long enough but I'm not sure if he's A. a man who wants a commited relationship (in the beginning that's the impression he gave me) but now 9 weeks down the line he may of changed his mind, B. he never has been interested (apart from sex) and all is positive sweet behaviour is manipulative tactics to get what he wants or C. he is interested but because he's a divorced man for a year is he just afraid of commitment? Some might say to ask him. But I'm afraid of asking him because IF he is a manipulative man he's hardly going to tell the truth. I will say he is a man that does appear a little on the introverted side.

OP posts:
Suednymph · 30/10/2025 08:04

I am sure you posted the other day and were told basically you were his once a week friend with benefits. I am also sure it was myself that said that and I stand by it. He is making no effort and clearly only wants sex. Dump.

P1232025 · 30/10/2025 08:11

Suednymph · 30/10/2025 08:04

I am sure you posted the other day and were told basically you were his once a week friend with benefits. I am also sure it was myself that said that and I stand by it. He is making no effort and clearly only wants sex. Dump.

I've not posted before

OP posts:
Splendidbouquet · 30/10/2025 08:21

I remember the thread @Suednymph mentioned and I must say the similarities to that situation are very striking. But I'm sure that's probably down to the pitfalls of online dating.
I'm afraid he probably has other strings to his bow and you are his Friday night option. And even then when an alternative came up he was happy enough to cancel you in favour of someone else.
Honestly OP I don't things will get any better with this guy. Much better to cut your loses now before he causes you more doubt and upset.

Girlmom35 · 30/10/2025 08:29

The best advice I have is to start reading his behaviour as if he were speaking through it.
What are his actions telling you? Not his words, but his actions?
You want a relationship, and you want to be dating with the intention to grow towards a relationship. Is he behaving in a way that matches your expectations?

He will only meet you once a week and hardly text in between
He will arrange dates on friday only one day in advance
He will not make long-term plans
He cancels last minute
He won't spend the night without sex

Does this sound like a man who wants a relationship?

Endofyear · 30/10/2025 08:44

I think you have posted about this before!

MyWorthyDenimFinch · 30/10/2025 08:46

I think 8 weeks is too soon to "want a relationship". I'd just be enjoying dating for the first year or so.

RealEagle · 30/10/2025 08:50

I have read the same thread also .

Covacsy · 30/10/2025 09:49

OP has posted several times before, a few extra details are added each time.

Not sure why though.

wordledrivingmemad · 30/10/2025 09:55

I got bored of reading such a long post especially when it was clear early on he is just in it for the sex. Up to you if you carry on with this.
Also the finger in your mouth thing, really weird, but like he’s testing the boundary. Just because he apologises for stuff doesn’t mean he’s still not in it for the sex.

176509user · 30/10/2025 10:12

Sounds like a FWB situation and he’s getting you to do the chasing. You're also great for his ego.
Wouldn't be surprised if you’re one of many.

If he was genuinely into you, he’d be wanting to talk to you every day.

Always a red flag if you feel confused. It’s because you’re not being treated right. There should be no confusion in a good loving relationship.

Dump and move on.

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/10/2025 10:21

He is telling you what you want to hear, and you believe him because it's what you want to hear. He's in it for sex, and you've got the Friday slot. If the sex is good and you're fine with him being a placeholder while you look for an actual relationship, then crack on. If you don't want a casual relationship, end it and find someone who is on the same page. Start dating other people whether you continue to see him or not.

176509user · 30/10/2025 10:54

Just to add,OP.
It sounds like you’re not happy in that set-up, however you define it.

It obviously suits him, though.
If you don’t feel good about it, then just stop seeing him. It really is as simple as that.

Eightdayz · 30/10/2025 11:35

P1232025 · 30/10/2025 08:11

I've not posted before

Yes you have. The similarities are staggering.

Get a grip.

Covacsy · 30/10/2025 11:45

Are you ok OP? This is obviously troubling you a great deal.

There's no rule that says you can't post about the same thing several times, it's just that your thread then gets sidetracked. x

Bellvu · 30/10/2025 11:46

Covacsy · 30/10/2025 09:49

OP has posted several times before, a few extra details are added each time.

Not sure why though.

Yes! Third time I’ve read this story now, she throws a little more detail each time.

ohyesido · 30/10/2025 11:48

I stopped reading at the point where you said he went home upon discovering that you were on, therefore no sex for him. That is nasty and he might as well have said well I can’t be bothered with you if I’m not getting laid. Rude and disparaging.

SquaredCircled · 30/10/2025 11:54

P1232025 · 30/10/2025 08:11

I've not posted before

Well, then there's someone else on Mn with an absolutely identical situation, down to the ages of the guy's children, his twice-weekly churchgoing, his lack of communication in between weekly dates, and her own failure to take everyone's advice which is to stop ruminating endlessly on what he might be thinking, and think about what she wants herself.

Jellybunny56 · 30/10/2025 11:54

Agree with others, you’re friends with benefits. Seeing each other one day a week, limited contact outside of that, it’s not a serious relationship building this is just a bit of fun.

MrsPrendergast · 30/10/2025 11:57

I think you are best off getting rid of him. You've only seen him a few times and you've posted at least 3 times on MN asking for help. Any new relationship which causes THAT amount of angst isn't worth it

HappyToSmile · 30/10/2025 11:58

I'm guessing you would want to see him more than once a week and have more communication. He's not the one for you. To him, you are just a Friday night out/in/sex. What we call a FWB.

SquaredCircled · 30/10/2025 11:58

Covacsy · 30/10/2025 11:45

Are you ok OP? This is obviously troubling you a great deal.

There's no rule that says you can't post about the same thing several times, it's just that your thread then gets sidetracked. x

Well, it's also the fact that she's posted the same thing several times, and got good advice about the exact same situation on previous threads. Which she is clearly ignoring if she's namechanged and posting about the identical situation,

The situation is unchanged. The advice will be unchanged.

It's not clear why the OP imagines otherwise.

RealEagle · 30/10/2025 12:04

P1232025 · 30/10/2025 08:11

I've not posted before

Perhaps you should message the other poster and compare notes ,because you are in identical relationships.Just not on fridays.

ForTipsyFinch · 30/10/2025 12:04

As others have said, this seems to be very casual on his end, and isn’t aligning with what you want. The fact he went home when you said sex wouldn’t be happening says it all.

I can’t see this leading to a relationship from what you have said.

mummypigoink · 30/10/2025 12:14

Or alternatively ALL of his friends with benefits are getting the same story and all posting for advice

Swipe left for the next trending thread