Phone guilt- on ‘daughter days’ spending evenings on my phone

[PutkneeP]

Hi.
I know ‘Google’ is a thing! but I’m looking for real life examples on how you manage to cut out evenings on the phone.

I have a 7 yr old daughter who spends most of the time with her mother so the time I have is limited but cherished. That said I have been struggling with extreme guilt recently about spending time on my phone in the evenings when I do have my daughter.

It’s not hours on end, but I do find myself checking messages, Instagram (for work), social media and often working during the time we’re together. She is generally happy on her device at the same time but when she’s gone I feel truly awful about allowing my face to be parked in front of a screen and not concentrating on her.

I’m not sure how to break the habit.

On top of that, I’ve had some personal issues around this. My ex-girlfriend actually cited my phone use as one of the reasons she left me, as she assumed I was messaging other women (I wasn’t). It was a blow because the reality is I was just getting caught up in the phone distractions and wasn’t fully present with her or my daughter.

Does anyone have tips on how to be more in the moment with your kids, especially when it feels like the phone is just too tempting?

Any thoughts, any strategies that have worked for you would be most appreciated.
I’m aware that posting this will possibly not help my situation in the short term!

If you use an iPhone there are options to kind of lock you out of certain apps between certain times.

Otherwise, put your phone in a box (shoe box, Tupperware.. anything!) and put it in the back of a cupboard for the day/evening. Make a conscious, actual effort to not go on it.. it’s hard at first but I’m a serial phone addict sometimes and I need to be really conscious of just putting it away and reminding myself whatever it is, it can wait for a few hours.

You need to put your phone physically away from you. It’s just habit and autoscroll a lot of the time. I’m working on breaking the same habit when with my kids and I leave the phone in my bedroom when I am downstairs with them (not always, but increasingly). It really helps.

Just put the phones in another room and get a board game or a pack of cards out.

Turn it off. Put it in a drawer. If you are not on call there is no need to be on your phone. Ask your daughter what she wants to do when she is with you and her immersed in that. Kudos to you for acknowledging that this is impinging on your time with her.

When you say she is " happy on her own device" at the same time as you are on your phone what device are you talking about?
She is only 7 and it paints a pretty disturbing picture the pair of you sat there with your heads buried in electronic devices.
It sounds to me that if you don't know how to break your habit then you actually have an addiction. Perhaps you should be seeking advice from someone qualified to help with your addiction.

Yes, it is a far from perfect scene and I’m well aware that we should be doing other things. It’s not an addiction as we certainly have plenty of time doing activities. It’s just too easy sometimes to let it happen and switch off, mainly in the later part of the evening. I should also stress she isn’t always on her device, far from it. When she is , she enjoys it.

Put the phone in a drawer switched off while you're with your daughter. It's a habit that can be broken but it requires some effort and application on your part. Plan some activities together when you have her, board games, crafting, lego etc. Don't get the phone out until she's in bed asleep.

I have had many discussions about this lately - not from a parenting angle as my DC are young adults now, but 10 years ago I could sit in the evening without subconsciously being unable to relax if my phone wasn’t next to me. Roll on that 10years and I realise I have an addictive habit of constantly researching things on it. I’m a serial ‘looker upper’ (not so much FB and Instagram), but it didn’t really matter what it is, I didn’t have the habit years ago and it is SO difficult to break. My concentration is at a working level and I blame this bastard device for most of it! I’d guess that 90% of all adults are addicted to their smartphones. I’d love to go back to my old Nokia but sadly I need it for my business to run smoothly.

She's 7, can you not wait until she's in bed? She can't be up that late. At that age I would up in my child's room reading stories for half an hour before bed, bath before that. She shouldn't be on screens in the run up to bedtime. You should be setting a good example. Just put your phone away, how often do you even have her stay over? You've already lost one relationship over your phone use, your DD will just think you're not interested in her.

I set aside time to focus 100% on my children and leave my phone in another room. So I will say from
5pm until 5.30pm we will do crafts together. Then take a break for half an hour for dinner etc. Then some screen time. I think screen time is ok as long as you are also carving out good amounts of time to focus on them without the screen

from what you and others (thanks) have said I should probably try and teach myself to hide it away in the evenings. I know I’ll just blitz it at bed time though!
She has a keen interest in my line of work so quite often, and I’m not saying this is a good thing, but I will show her what I’m working on and she will work with me on it.

Literally just don’t have you phone in the room with you.

Watch a movie together if you want some down time or read books, do puzzles together.

You are absolutely right, it can of course wait. I need to train my brain!

You need to replace it with a positive distraction - if there’s nothing there to fill the gap you’ll go back to it.

I’d try to create routines for the days you’re together. So eg Monday night is board game night. Wednesday is arts and crafts - you as well as her creating something (!). Friday is movie night and popcorn. She may thrive on the routine. There’s also a lot to be said for settling down to favourite weekly TV programmes. So get into Bake Off, Traitors, Sewing Bee - whatever she’s also into - and have an episode of that, and a shared experience, as the focus of your evening.

The other thing I did when my kids were that age (not every week!) to introduce a bit more spontaneity was to have “yes” days in which I’d let the kids pick whatever they wanted to do (within reason) and I’d just have to go along with it. Often their demands were really simple, play based and much more creative than my ideas.

You don't need to teach yourself - you just need to do it! And even if your daughter is interested in your work - she's seven - don't get her involved in working on your projects - do seven-year-old stuff with her.

You are kind of glib about the blitz issue - if someone broke up with me in part because of my phone usage and the fact that they thought it impinged on time with my kid I don't think I would be so glib. You sound like you think it's quite a light thing?

I have two goddaughters - whenever I spend time with them I take my phone out but it's turned off, it's there for emergencies. We play lots of board games, go to crazy golf, all sorts - in August I took them to an outlet place when they got their GCSE and A Level results as a treat - my phone came out of my pocket to pay for the parking and nothing else.

You miss so much when you are on your phone - you miss what they natter about, their observations about things. That can be true even if you are in your house just playing a game. We play Pictionary and it's insane (and I need a glass of wine to get through it! But not a phone). Wishing you the best as I think you made this post from a position of wanting to improve. Put it in a drawer.

Just switch the phone off and put it in another room.

I read to her every night I’m with her without fail. The routine, that is what it has become and I know I’m not alone on that, is shortly before bed she will want to watch her kids programmes and I look at my phone. Sometimes after my work has technically finished for the day I will continue on
my phone for longer than I would like.

Why don't you plan other things to do with her in the evenings. Baking, art, board games, crafts, put some music on and have a silly dance, go for a walk and look at the stars, make a den in a cupboard, watch a film together, make a dolls house from a cardboard box - anything.

One day she's going to be grown and gone and unless you get off your phone you'll have missed out on a lot of fun whilst you had the chance.

i wont go into details on my work but it really is very cool and she loves getting involved!
I don’t think it’s a light thing but I simply know I do have phone time late at night, there was more to it with my ex but I know it annoyed her if I was on it throughout the night. Infact that’s when it started - with ex in bed xx months/years ago. It would annoy me I’ve no doubt.
Thanks for the advice and I think about the nattering a lot when she’s gone so that hit home.

This makes me so sad! My husband is guilty of being stuck to his phone while kids around and I call him out on it but he gets annoyed with me doing so.

Yiu REALLY need to just put the goddamn thing in another room from say 6-9pm. You’re not going to miss anything important. You don’t even have her company every night! And as you say. You lost one relationship over your phone already, you need to be seriously looking at yourself.

You may well read her stories etc but it’s the unstructured time that she notices you watching her, that random conversations happen, that you spend 20 happy mins tossing her in the air and balancing her on your feet while you lie on the floor.

a phone in your hand is a barrier.

if she’s watching kid telly, watch it with her and just snuggle her and chat to her about it intermittently. The snuggles and ‘just being there’ are a hell of a lot more important than I think you think they are.

put the phone in another room. Switch it off. If you still aren’t managing you can get little prisons to put them in and set a timer. Lock it.

Keep a pen and paper with you. When you want to go in your phone, write down why. Then allocate yourself a 20 minute wi Dow every couple of hours to do the tasks written on the paper. Repeat, lengthen time in between.

Great advice, thanks. Sewing bee may bee a stretch though!

You are right. Thankyou.

Ok, but she's also a kid............. great that your work is cool, but it's work. I used to work for Disney - I did cool stuff too! But actually my godgoblins wanted time with me beyond that, where I was listening to them, engaging with them. If she's helping you with 'cool work stuff' then great, but she's fitting into your life rather than you leaning into her. Sometimes kids want basic stuff - just your time and attention without anything else in the way. I'm not trying to be unkind - you asked for advice and I think it's great that you did. I promise you'll have a greater connection with her away from screens. You'll get to know her so much better.

When I read posts like this, I remember a 6 year old child in my class coming up to me to ask me quietly “Please will you ask my mum to stop always being on her phone.”
They feel it when they see a parent giving their phone higher priority than them. Of course you can turn it off and put it away for a few hours.