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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my relationship bad or am I bad???

12 replies

C0tt0nstar0 · 29/10/2025 02:26

I feel so confused and so tired. I've been with my fiance for 5.5 years and lately I'm always mad. I love my partner so much and I can hardly imagine my life without him, he's sensitive, kind, loving, and good hearted. When I'm mad at him I feel like the bad guy but if I reflect back on the last few months 9/10 times I've been mad are because he has forgotten something I told him. Here are some examples:

-Asked him to schedule our cat an appointment at "neighborhood next to ours" clinic because I heard it was good and we needed to change vets but he booked in at "our neighborhood" clinic because he thought I meant that one, presumably because it's a few blocks closer.

-Asked on Thursday before if we could go to the zoo on Sunday, he said sounds great and then on Friday told a friend we were free Sunday for DND(<- different versions of this one happen every week)

-Told him I had the day off because I'm taking a coworkers weekend shift twice the night before I was off and then he called me during the day that day and asked when I was done work

-asked him to come get me after work so we can go to the grocery store together, then he calls me from the grocery store asking questions about what to get

-Asked him to straight return 3 picture frames that were too small for the pictures we have and instead he exchanged them for a different colour in the same size

-Night before asked if it was okay to have chili for dinner the next day, he says that sounds great, I put all the ingredients for chili together in the fridge, then the next day I asked him to please start dinner while I was coming home and when I got home he was making chicken

We've had a few serious talks now about how when he forgets the things I tell him it makes me feel unimportant to him and that he needs to engage and listen so he can remember what I say but I haven't seen any change. All of these examples are from the last 2 weeks and there are more even I didn't mention. It is not an exaggeration to say these types of things happen 3 times a week every week. I'm so tired of feeling mad and frustrated and feeling resentment.

I'm seriously considering breaking off our engagement due to this... The thought makes me feel crazy! Like if there's love and he's a good kind person how can I be considering throwing away a whole life of love because of frustration?

Please I just need advice. I feel strongly against talking about negative things about my partner with my family or friends, so I really need someone to talk to because I'm at my wits end here!!! Tell me your story? what would you do? Is this a big deal? Why does he forget everything I say and do stuff half right all the time? Will I regret it if this ends my relationship?

OP posts:
C0tt0nstar0 · 29/10/2025 02:27

Ahh I meant to change the title before I posted to something like "help with partner who doesn't listen/forgets all the details" but I forgot to!! Sorry I'm not sure how to edit it?

OP posts:
DaisyDoodler · 29/10/2025 20:15

To be honest it sounds like he’s trying for you. He’s shopping, running errands and cooking. He’s just forgetful about details. I would suggest meeting halfway and you trying to be a bit more patient and him trying to find a way to remember things better - diary, phone reminders, post it’s etc. Doesn’t sound like a big deal to lose a relationship over to me.

Ellerby · 29/10/2025 20:18

Is he always this scatty? It could be ADHD. (I am not a doctor.)

Arlanymor · 29/10/2025 20:18

He’s trying - he’s not doing nothing - but he’s not retaining stuff from verbal conversations. You need to back this up in writing - post it notes on the fridge etc. A bit of extra faff but if you get the desired result then that’s what matters. But he needs to be in agreement with the system and I think you need a long overdue talk about why it is needed.

YodasHairyButt · 29/10/2025 20:21

Frustrating as it is, it doesn’t sound deliberate. I have someone in my life with whom I have to be very specific about what I ask them to do and I have to make sure they have definitely heard and understood. I can’t assume anything because their brain is just not wired that way. I won’t lie, it’s hard to live with and we still get it wrong sometimes.

DoAWheelie · 29/10/2025 20:22

Does he seem repentant or defensive when these things happen?

Is he trying his best and failing, or too apathetic to get it right?

If it's number one then things may be fixable. He needs to see a GP and work on coping strategies to help with his memory and comprehension issues. Maybe a hearing test too. If it's number 2 though, leave and never look back.

momtoboys · 29/10/2025 20:25

If my DH took things like you described so seriously, we would have been divorced long ago. However, it sounds like he is doing your head in. Maybe you aren't as compatible as you thought. Believe me, it won't get any better after your marry.

Jammington · 29/10/2025 20:25

If it's driving you made after 5.5y maybe it's time to cut & run.

He doesn't sound like a bad person at all, neither do you.

He maybe needs someone with infinite patience and you need someone who is more on the ball & reliable.

pimplebum · 29/10/2025 20:29

As others have said he IS shopping / cooking / making cat appointments

are these details very important? So you did not shop together ? So what ? You had chicken instead of chilli and cat got treatment ??? No harm done

break up if this is a deal breaker for you
or - stop being so ridged with daily routines , Why are you planning all meals and shopping routines ? Split jobs and chores and let him do it his way

he is not lazy or pathetic , personally I’d hate to be micro managed like this

what does he say when you discuss it ?

TacCat49 · 29/10/2025 20:46

It looks like you are driving all the activities in the relationship and he is trying and failing to follow instructions. Maybe if he had control of things he should do i.e. cook a meal and let him plan it from start to finish. He needs to make notes of what he needs to do to contribute to a continuing relationship.

LadyQuackBeth · 29/10/2025 20:58

Tbh I'd rather be in a relationship with him than with you. You want all the control but he has all the responsibility. He's putting a lot of effort in and it's completely thankless as you are finding fault everywhere.

It takes a lot more effort to make dinner than to say a sentence the night before about what to have, but still you get he moral high ground. He's the one who actually made a vet appointment (I can't see why you didn't just make it if a specific location mattered that much) but still gets the criticism.

Did you book the zoo or just mention it, I'm willing to bet (given you only tend to delegate in the other examples) it was just a casual sentence he was expected to run with and do all the leg work of booking tickets etc. How did he react when you mentioned the double booking.

I'm future I would either do a task myself completely or I would leave it to him completely. Just "the cat needs to go to the vet," if you want to be specific then you do it. "Are you doing dinner tonight?" If you want something specific you cook it.

Allthesnowallthetime · 29/10/2025 21:04

This sounds like my partner! We've been together for over 30 years.

It seems like you decide what is going to happen - where the cat goes to the vet, what's for dinner.

But if you are going to build a life together, it helps if you make decisions together. Maybe if you discussed things and made joint decisions, he would remember better

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